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Couldn't resist =)

sleepy Daisy

enjoying the sun (and my lap)

Sundowning and zombie land

I added the above picture because I sometimes need to remind myself there is happiness out there. When my dad doesn't sleep he's awake most of the day and doesn't sleep at night until maybe 6-7 am till he eats breakfast. I can only imagine not having any sleep and when the time comes I suspect that I might have to make a few adjustments with my regular daytime life. I am trying to explain what it's like for a person with Alzheimer's to help understand what they feel. So last night he wakes up at 9:30 pm after going to bed at like 8 ish. He wakes up because he heard Ron, Blake and I saying goodbye to Jan and the dogs barking their little heads off. So he starts to come out of his room, slightly dazed but happy to see me. I ask him, "dad are you checking to make sure I got home ok?" He nods his head yes and I ask him if he wants to go back to bed and I'll see him in the morning. Well due to the night before we needed to have the heat on because it was low 40's over night, Ron was up 4 different times to his nose and throat hurting because the heat was too high. Dad has a bad habit it the ac is on he puts it up to 80 well he does the same thing with the heat. Ron was afraid that dad would burn out the heater coil or cause a fire, so to the store we went and me making phone calls and not getting anywhere we finally found a lock box for the ac thermostat with a key. Dad at 10 is now awake again because Ron is installing this lock box so he can get some sleep tonite, so again I thank dad for checking on us and tell him it's ok to go back to bed. Midnight rolls around and we are watching a movie with Blake, he attempts to climb up the stairs without his walker and has the zombie look on his face. I tell him get off the stairs and he doesn't listen so I have to grab his hands and guide him to his walker. The only way I can describe it as his expression looks like he's sleep walking and dazed. This morning he's sleepy so he gets up quite late and dazed after he eats there is a glimpse of dad as once again you can see it in his eyes. Very funny thing is that after you see the glimpse of "him" you instantly feel better. I only wonder what I'll feel when it's not there any more at all.

Not to be read by the squiemish types or grandchildren

Ok so old people with dementia masturbate when ever they want, where ever. When they are frustrated and don't or can't express themselves which most can't they masturbate. Noticing in the past weeks, when I get my dad out of the house he does a lot better with his frustration. Miss a few days and don't take him out and your in for a few surprises. Going to discuss this with his doctor to see if my assumptions are correct, knowing that most likely he will differ in opinion.

I am sad, out of control mad and want to yell at everyone. These episodes I like to call them are coming more frequent, I can't wait to see what the holidays bring! It's obvious that when I don't take care of myself all that well that the end result is what you give. Shit. Taking a walk helps, yelling at your husband helps, blogging helps, you can't yell at the person your caregiving for tho. Burnt out today. Funny thing is that 99% of the time I'm good and I have lots of excellent days and things are fine for atleast a month.

Eating better tho, back to smoothies and more veggies less meat.

People 4 Earth Webinar: Revolution of sustainable products | Exchange | Ode Magazine

People 4 Earth Webinar: Revolution of sustainable products | Exchange | Ode Magazine

all that changes & is

ok so the stepson has been taking some steps into adulthood, not the changes that we usually associate with being in the later part of 16. So In May of this year he decides to get an eyebrow piercing, big deal. He then gets his hair cut and dyed in this new fashion style emo or scene as the kids put it these days (Old I am sounding!) So he goes from listening to rap and wearing football jersey's in February to this emo skinny jeans attempting to skateboard falls off and decides to not go near it again to hanging out with the dreaded idiots at the palm coast library. These kids all smoke, all like to "DEFY" the man by hanging out at the public library-oh mom can I go to the library it sounds so innocent? right? wrong. I am mad on one hand because we have talked and talked about everything from smoking to drugs etc. I am mad because I couldn't fix it for my own kids and can't fix it now either. I have spent most of this weekend thinking about this and have made conclusions based on the past of what worked and what didn't .
Kids change anyway
you can talk all you want they still change
kids need to feel accepted
kids need to make their own decisions and if you don't let them they will find some other way and it will appear DEFIANT!
Defiant is change to a teen
teens are adults just sticking their toes in the fountain of old age
they are not usually happy just being teens they want to grow up and be rebellious and make decisions even if you don't want them to
they do it anyway
you have a long talk with them after doing something dumb you punish THEY LIE they do "whatever" anyway
you don't do anything they DO IT ANYWAY
HERE IS THE AHA MOMENT FOR ME!
When a teen is rediscovering them self or recreating them self this is good and bad-bad if they do it to fit in with the bad crowd etc and do bad things- but they have to be able to get it out- meaning if you perhaps punish and negatively effect this change you cause them to rebel or do whatever out of either frustration or anger or just doing the opposite of what ever your wish is. This being themselves and recreating their self is a SURVIVAL TOOL- look at people who are really successful, they change just like a chameleon to whatever their surroundings are and they don't get killed by the part of society that is fighting for that job because they can't conform
THIS IS SOMETHING WE LOSE OR HOLD ONTO AS ADULTS
when we are young we change yearly UNTIL WE FIGURE OUT WHAT IS THE EASIEST WAY OR MOST COMFORTABLE WAY TO GO THROUGH LIFE
we see pain we don't like it but instead of ADAPTING TO THE SITUATION we run from it we cover it up we ignore it we take drugs or drink to escape it
teens adapt we do not unless we attempt to see things a little different
my son Josh went from this surfer image at school to fit in- then to the dark side all black clothing (mall zombies they called them) hell one of his friends had a trench coat (weirdo) then he went to straight edge -
my daughter has gone through it all too and finally found her nitch too-
I think the more shocked you react to these changes depends on how whomever will change moreso in either direction good or bad.
So getting back to the adult thing- you have these kids acting like an adult doing adult things but not so much effective like adult things like jobs and positive things- I think were did I go wrong? What did I do or not do to make or break this kid or kids? Well I don't think it was us, I think it's each and every kid had a desire or some kind of idea they want out of life and oh they will tell you I don't know this , I don't know what I want to do- they still want to BE ACCEPTED for what they are or aren't and IF YOU DON"T ACCEPT THEM THEIR IS A GROUP OF KIDS AT THE LIBRARY THAT WILL! So I think acceptance is first and all the while guidance helps too, acceptance and love and understanding even when you don't want to.

LYING-denial-ok so so n so lies for the umpteenth time and you call them on it they so no it's the truth- RULE IS TO LET THEM LIE EVENTUALLY SOMEDAY THEY WILL REALIZE THEY ARE LYING TO THEM SELVES OR actually even if they believe the lie that they know is a lie it didn't happen -once again adapting to the situation being chameleon like changing for what ever is to come

THEY WILL EVENTUALLY BECOME ADULT ENOUGH TO TELL THE TRUTH SOMEDAY AND IF THEY DON"T THEN THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE GONNA DO ANYWAY SO JUST ACCEPT IT OR DON"T

I would like to explain the meaning of compassion which is often misunderstood. Genuine compassion is based not on our own projections and expectations, but rather on the rights of the other: irrespective of whether another person is a close friend or an enemy, as long as that person wishes for peace and happiness and wishes to overcome suffering, then on that basis we develop a genuine concern for his or her problems – His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama

freedom is where it's at (limited)

Here we are almost 2 weeks later, I'm back on a normal sleeping schedule and so is Ron-almost. So we did away with attempting to keep dad in his room/area-he only had a 4x2 piece of wood with a latch key holding him in at the end of his hallway, blocking him from going into mom's room. So we moved the latch key project over to mom's side of the hallway and added another latch key project to the living room/stairs area by the front door. All doors remain double keyed dead bolt (meaning both sides) as well as kitchen closet door with latch key. Dad gets his snack in the middle of the night and a drink, figures out it's dark or something and goes back to bed. The earliest he has attempted to wake us is 7:45 I'll take that any day of the week over him falling under the last latch key project by his room 2x's ! Along with the banging, yelling and kicking the bathroom door that connects to mom's bathroom. So we are back to allowing him to go from his room to the dinning room, sit in his wheel-chair have a snack and drink look at a magazine and then go back to his room and either watch tv or sleep. He just can't go anywhere else in the house, which for now is ok with him at least in the middle of the night.

So all in all I am blessed for the extra sleep, I'm starting my 15 minute a day decluttering routine and am off to a good start (even though all the animals are watching. Oh, I forgot to introduce "Cole" our newest Siamese 2yr. old we got from the Halifax Humane Society this last Wednesday. Very interesting kitty, energetic, playful and sweet he even slept under mom's bed the first 2 nights and on the 3rd (last) he slept on her bed and pooped in her room too. Snoop and Kimmy are having the worst time of adjusting, Daisy and Biggie are just keeping their eyes away from paws. Mom gave Cole his last name "Porter" after my grandfather going to school with Cole Porter at Yale. My grandfather said that he never had much of a social life, he was always busy writing songs and music.

Busy but good week, after all.

you must be willing to try anything

ok-so Ron hasn't slept in a week-we worked out one day last week I think Thursday- Dad up all hours of the night-I vowed yesterday to keep him awake and boy did I he was mad as hell and I got it both barrel's and Ron got triple or more- the name calling was horrid- anyway in thinking about what we need to do is all get some sleep mainly Ron and dad has also started to bang, knock and try and get in mom's room-so yesterday and today not so good, I called the doctor to get a script for him to sleep. Test subject dad we will see how this works out. to be continued..........also going to give him the sleeping pill at 10-12 pm after his snack

up at night~ again & every night

so he goes to bed at 8pm ish and falls asleep quickly- some nights he's up in 2-3 hours others around 4-5. he takes namenda, tandem & lorazepam at 8pm, i really believe by him waking up at those times he's in some kind of sleep walking mode. you can just tell by the way he looks at you and usually you just get an agreeing mmhmmm of some sort as he continues on his way. last night at 12ish Ron found him trying to open the front door moving the handle back n forth, i came down the stairs and asked him if he was making sure the front door is locked and he agreed, i told him thanks for keeping us safe that was very nice of him. then he told me it was christmas, i told him to go back to bed but he just continued to go to his wheelchair and sit, all you can do is let him be- 2 more trips in an hour back n forth- those hours from 10-3 are hard on his brain challenged mind. found another screwdriver in his room-amazing where he finds them and still has that process of what they are for, mainly opening the kitchen and getting snacks-

funny thing yesterday-amber came by and helped with dad for a few hours did an excellent job, very compassionate young lady she is, talking to dad for like an hour -dad asked her how she was and said she was fine he didnt believe her so he let her talk her troubles out to him. he woke up from his nap and said that, "i should tell you that amber is still upset over that guy" so we talked a little bit about that-then when he was going to bed i asked him if he had something on his mind, he said, "amber" i said eh that guys no good anyway-if it works out it works out- you know your alive when you have problems.

resting with my thoughts

Its sunday and Im sitting outside on our dilapidated deck/porch on 5 buck plastic chairs made in china. The plastic towards my back bends because Im propping my feet on another chair. My head is tilted sideways as i think about my just sitting with myself at this second on Sunday and my breath is slow. my dad is up for his second time this morning not sure why, i guess he just wants to read the paper and sit with mom as she takes forever in the bathroom and eventually makes it to the kitchen. He just told me to shut up because he's frustrated and so am i. so i do the next best thing and i sit outside with myself and let my thoughts flutter away like little butterflies. some days or mornings like today you wake up and have a certain patience or awareness and realize all the little things that we flutter around about in our brains are really worthless and just as they are thoughts they are not true facts. it most likely sounds crazy, but if you look at some of your thoughts and give them too much credibility you can sure waste a lot of good energy. one of my favorite things is the feeling i get blogging about family and there is so much for me to learn in accepting the real for what it is. sitting out here in the shade just listening and looking around me and just being in this one place at this one time. very calming indeed my friends.

sorry about my punctuation but im really not in that mood today, im just appreciating all that i can right now.

i look at my toenails and think i should trim them-fact yes :0) very funny.

if you try for a minute or two when your not enjoying yourself to just tell "your-self" what your doing. It really works and it's very calming too. for example, we spend too much time just thinking about other things we need to do, don't want to do, hate to do, don't want to think about, really care about, really feel bad about, don't like, like, want, need, don't need, can't have and the list could go on forever. but if you think about it~ALL OF IT IS EITHER PAST-PRESENT-FUTURE and you can't do anything about any of them! i mean yes you can save your money, yes you can eat well & exercise, you can keep things simple BUT YOU CAN KEEP THINGS SIMPLE wow! what a statement, it's almost like multi tasking this multi thinking, don't you agree? I could think about any number of things while i type or fold clothes or wash dishes, right? but what does that do for me, really? does it make it easier to get done or to the next thing i'm doing? no, NOT ONCE HAVE I BEEN DOING ONE THING AND BEEN THINKING ABOUT ANOTHER HAS IT MADE THE THING IM DOING PLEASURABLE OR FUN OR ANY EASIER OR ENJOYABLE. so why do it, the other thing will get done after you get the first thing done & IT FEELS LESS STRESSFUL! OMLord what a AH HA MOMENT, it is to be doing and thinking about this any one thing at a time. for the record i have wanted to write about things and gotten all excited about what it is i want to write and then once i start writing, i start thinking about the next thing im gonna-have to-want to do and suddenly my writing feels un easy, rushed , not fun and boring and lamo.

Lucky for those who have an under active brain, what beautiful awareness they possess.

Happy awareness to all of us.

When life throws you lemons & additional wisdom

So I sit here thank full that my computer is working now, I spilled evoo on the keyboard and in realizing my laptop is not a salad it was very frustrating to type on. Well enough of that because I've got so much to tell I almost bursting from waiting so long! Ok so this last month has been quite exciting we had Ron's, Mike's & their dad's birthday all on the weekend of the 8th which was loads of fun. The preparing and over stressing was not I regress to that fact even though I loved every minute of all the to do's and lists and getting with Kim and planning strategy of secrecy's. I loved it a bunch! We had the agency and Josh from Thursday night till Monday evening at 5pm. Wow I look back and we had a blast, a very interesting family I married into, no attitudes, no one acting like they are better, no one being snobby, everyone getting along beautifully! The party was a blast that was Saturday, we got an ice cream cake and Mike and Ronnie both wore tshirts that said 4 then 0 ha, ha get it twins- Just amazing this getting along thing really! So we ate & drank & ate & drank and so on all weekend long, I think by Monday my body had about had it! We stayed at the Best Western with a few of the family and the others stayed at the Makai which is kinda old and run down a bit, it's too bad because the view from the rooms is great and access to the beach is like right there! We had the party there with a cookout and lot's of surfing, rafting and fun!

Getting back to the beginning:
Poor Josh stayed with them Thursday night, I spoke with him Friday morning and once again dad gave him a bomber present all over the floor. I was beginning to think that dad was doing this on purpose because Josh had stayed with them Wednesday sometime and he did it then also? So anyway, I took a drive in the morning to the house and cleaned up a hefty mess that took me about an hour to clean and disinfect. Josh left that day at 5pm relieved by Jan (to say the least) I made my 2nd trip to the house to pay Josh for the day before after lunchtime. So Mike went and picked up Blake and met us at the hotel, we met up with Ronnies dad and Kim and all of us ate dinner at Bonefish grille , very good by the way. Took another trip to the house (3rd that day) to pickup surfboards etc. Blake had fun till we went to the beach the following day, but he kept a good game face on still for his dad's birthday. Ronnie took him home that afternoon, the rest of the weekend was nice and mellow.

So things that have happened in the last month.................hmmmmm, ok we can start with this morning I found my purse on my dad's tray in the dining room so I asked him when he came out, "Hey dad, did you find what you were looking for in my purse?" He says, nope! So then I asked him, "what were you looking for in there? he said, "keys"-I asked him did you find the one you were looking for? Well I know the answer was no because the kitchen was still locked, but it was so funny that he thought to get my purse to try and find the key to open up the kitchen, amazing! So I end the story by telling him that you can't sneak the sneak it doesn't work like that, I told him you taught me and the student tricked the teacher!

Much more to come- I can only hope.

It's never too late to say I'm sorry

Those are the most important words you will ever need to know. I don't say that you actively need to ever apologize because sometimes people will look at you and go "Heh?" I am talking about the day in your life when you realize it's not about you, it never was, or when you over react or think that people have "bad" or the "wrong" intentions or ones that you think you understand. Intentions-very complex meaning for that word, can be taken in-numerous ways. People often think when they aren't really thinking that so and so's intentions were this or that and often times we get mad and scurry our little ways and burrough ourselves in little holes that we call our lives. And then there is the ah, ha moments where we trust in something bigger than ourselves or "the self" or "the ego" and say ok I'm gonna give this a shot. So you open up and get real and say to the ego self, "just gonna wear my heart on the outside and see what happens". I'm not talking about being nice or stupid to everyone, doing it when and where it counts and trusting. See that's the biggest problem with the ego self, you don't trust, you keep hidden your not open. Your closed off to the world and in the end when all is said and done and your alone and you think to yourself, "I couldv'e, should've and didn't"-

We are human, humans are stupid, smart, intellectuals, snappy, moody, happy, sad, depressed, angry, a thousand different things or more. But once you realize you are no better, no less you are not closed off anymore and you have the ah, ha moment. You realize that below the stupid, smart, snappy, moody, happy, sad whatever- we all are the same, we all want love, we all have needs, we all care, we are better than we ever expected, everyone else is better than you expected and that is when things of the greatest beauty begin. Maybe it was there already and you just had your eyes closed. Maybe that's what happend to rip van winkle?

So today, something magical happend. My daughter came by for a stop over after taking care of a client and it just so happend dad was getting up (really I think he got up cause he heard her) and I saw a twinkle in his eye. Amber was being nice to him and he asked her if she was patronizing him (big word) and he got on the New York subject that he wants to leave, and Amber said he would go with him. After she left dad went back to lay down, because it wasn't time for him to sleep and when I came back from getting Subway he ate and was heading back to his room, he said, "Amber made we want to cry.", so I asked him why, he said " she said she'd go to New York with me!" People with dementia all need to feel they are not crazy. They sometimes see things that we don't see and sometimes they see something but draw to their own conclusions that it's something else. This is a scary thing for them, they know things aren't right, but they don't need to be treated like it isn't either.

I also learned through my "younger eyes" that we are always changing, we are always different from before, sometimes good and sometimes not. Sometimes it just takes longer to see it too and when you do it's like a little gift from God.

New Angelina'isms

"Nana, your not supposed to talk when other people are talking!"

"Nana what are you doing? I say, nothing, talking to you? Angelina asks again, Nana I'm serious I know your talking to me, I just want to know what else your doing?"

Angelina I ask, when did you learn how to whisle- we are in the car with uncle Josh and trying to talk- , "Nana I just wanted to learn how to whisle, and it took a really long time" So we had to have the whistling is only for outside rule=

to be continued..............................................
Last year sometime Angelina again, asked me what I was doing, whats Dee Da (my dad) doing, Pop pop, Josh the dogs etc. I told her Dee Da was watching TV, what's he watching, she asks? I said I 'm not sure, she then asks, "Is he watching Spongebob again?"
July 17, 2011
Angelina was cooking with me age 6 and learning how to chop with a knife and open a can, etc. I had her put something in the microwave and she looks in it and says " Nana, wow that's a clean microwave, how did you get a clean microwave?" Too funny.

For Amber

The outlook wasn't brilliant for the Mudville nine that day;
The score stood four to two with but one inning left to play;
And then, when Cooney died at first, and Barrows did the same,
A sickly silence fell upon the patrons of the game.
A straggling few got up to go, in deep despair. The rest
Clung to that hope which "springs eternal in the human breast;"
They thought, If only Casey could but get a whack at that,
We'd put up even money now, with Casey at the bat.

But Flynn procede Casey, as did also Jimmy Blake,
And the former was a no-good and the latter was a fake;
So, upon that stricken multitude grim meloncholy sat,
For there seemed but little chance of Casey's getting to the bat.

But Flynn let drive a single, to the wonderment of all,
And Blake, the much despised, tore the cover off the ball,
And when the dust had lifted and men saw what had occurred,
There was Jimmy safe at second, and Flynn a-huggin' third.

Then from five thousand throats and more threr rose a lusty yell,
It rumbled through the valley, it rattled in the dell,
It knocked upon the mountain and recoiled upon the flat,
For Casey, mighty Casey, was advancing to the bat.

There was ease in Casey's manner as he stepped into his place;
There was pride in Casey's bearing and a smile on Casey's face,
And when, responding to the cheers, he lightly doffed his hat,
No stranger in the croud could doubt `twas Casey at the bat.

Ten thousand eyes were on him as he rubbed his hands with dirt;
Five thousand tounges applauded as he wiped them on his shirt.
Then, while the writhing pitcher ground the ball into his hip,
Defiance gleamed in Casey's eye, a sneer curled Casey's lip.

And now the leather-covered sphere came hurtling through the air,
And Casey stood a-watching it in haughty grandeur there,
Close by the sturdy batsman the ball unheeded sped --
"That ain't my style," said Casey. "Strike one," the umpire said.

From the benches, black with people, there went up a muffled roar,
Like the beating of the storm waves on a stern and distant shore.
"Kill him; kill the umpire!" shouted someone from the stand;--
And it's likely they'd have killed him had not Casey raised his hand.

With a smile of Christian charity great Casey's visage shone;
He stilled the rising tumult; he bade the game go on;
He signaled to the pitcher, and once more the spheroid flew;
But Casey still ignored it, and the umpire said, "Strike two."

"Fraud," cried the maddened thousands, and the echo answered "Fraud,"
But one scornful look from Casey, and the multitude was awed.
The saw his face grow stern and cold; they saw his muscles strain,
And they knew that Casey wouldn't let that ball go by again.

The sneer is gone from Casey's lip; his teeth are clenched in hate;
He pounds with cruel violence his bat upon the plate.
And now the pitcher holds the ball, and now he lets it go,
And now the air is shattered by the force of Casey's blow.

Oh! somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light.
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
But there is no joy in Mudville -- mighty Casey has Struck Out.

Written By Ernest Lawrence Thayer, circa 1888

Now that I've finally calmed down~~~~~~

Ok so my son goes to the doctor this morning at 11am finds out he has brochitus, yey! So going back almost 6 hrs to 6:30 am I am woke up by the dogs growling at something outside my door. So to give you an idea of this, my husband and I (dogs included) sleep upstairs probably 20 stairs up to the second floor. On the way up the stairs we only have one railing because my husband moved the right side to the wall downstairs so that my mom and dad would be safer along the wall that has a tile floor and one step to get to both the living room and dining room as well as the front door. My husband about 1 wk ago put a padlock on a closet door that he installed to the kitchen so he can't help himself to snacks he's not allowed to eat. We have a motion sensor in the hallway in front of his bedroom door so when he passes through an alarm type ring is heard upstairs in our bedroom. We have an alarm system on all the door and sliding glass ones as well that chimes when every opening is opened. Lastly in our jail like environment we have installed (Ron again) double sided deadbolts so that when we leave we have to use a key to go out the door and then you lock it again to lock whomever inside. All this so that my dad is safe and has somewhat of a roaming capability. So this morning at 6:30 am I hear my name being called and it sounds like my dad is really close by, how close you ask? Right outside our bedroom door, I screamed or yelled, I forget and I know I cussed like a sailor but it was out of fear of what could've happened. Ron helped (did most of it) from the front walking in front of dad as we step by step got him safely down the stairs. Almost 10 hours later and probably a Mikes cold lemonade or two and I might be ok this evening. Scared and rattled all day long, wasting my energy and feeling like crap because I worried myself sick actually. The reason for him coming upstairs, you ask? All because he wanted the keys to the kitchen so that he could get in there once again. Oh and by the way the reason he most likely had so much energy was because he stole 2 doughnuts, one granola bar and a bunch of potatoe chips from the kitchen yesterday afternoon. I was so mad about that I wouldn't give him any jello last night, and today his blood sugar is 171 when it's usually under 100- So the latest additon in home dad security is a swinging 1 x 4 piece of wood that latches to a padlock and is about hip level that blocks the way to the stairs or the living room. My husband has been in my face several times today explaining that I this is minimal and it could've been way worse if he had fallen, which as usual he is right about that. Thanks God I'm sure it wasn't in your plans today and I am quite thankful for that.

What's new?

Yey my daughter got a job! Yey! Ok so I really didn't want her to go into "this" field and I was like do you really wanna wipe butts for a living? So I did everything possible to discourage her and as usual she is stubborn, sometimes in a good way. Ok so I'm a little rough on her, but I feel she needs me for that and I don't want to let her down either way. I have my beliefs that if life sucks it's your own fault and you make your own happiness too. So she took a course and got her certification for her CNA and I'm proud of her and she is proud too! Anyhoo-that was the big news this week-
Angelina says my mom is a certified nurs is -is sis tint! too funny she is 4 1/2 years old already time is moving too fast- I see her grow and feel so bad and miss her it hurts my soul. But she loves me and this family and she is loved back even more than she will ever know.
Mike my husbands brother is in Thailand 23 hour flight, "Mr. International Traveler" forgot till this morning his flight was this long till I actually thought a while about it.

Been so appreciative of my family lately, it's funny when you change your perspective you can change your heart. It's so true about those 8 words. There is always time to make things better.

Told my dad I was changing my name because he's always, "Cara, Cara" a thousand times a day. So he asked my what I was going to change it too, I said I'm not telling you, then I said Bartholomule so now he calls me that when I don't answer right away. He's too much, mom now is much too much- She told dad not to feed Biggie from his plate every night and every night she reminds him, so this one night she tells dad if you feed him again I'm going to throw something at you! And so she picks up this statue globe thing made out of metal and wood it weighs about 3 lbs and it lands at dads feet! Ah! The girl who stays with them a few nights a week freaked out! Funny stuff- Took them to the podiatrist together luckily Ron came too for backup help, mom had the doctor in hysterics laughing, dad was quiet just smiled. He loves his wife, I feel bad for him cuz he get's frusterated he can't do a few things at the same time and still wants to be "with" her.

Mom has been repeating herself a little more than usual, sleeping a little more too.

Oh yeah, so I was driving down this road I frequent on the way back from getting my iced coffee around noon (then I sometimes pick up lunch too) and I noticed a guy wheeling his chair across this busy street that cars go 50 mph- so I thought that's weird so I remembered a nursing home being across from the direction he was just at. So after being shocked I turn around and pull into the parking lot and a girl is talking to him, So I asked him if he was from across the street the name of the home, and this lady is with him, he doesn't talk clearly she tells me he had a stroke and usually is escorted across the street with someone (liar) she claimed to be his wife (didn't look like it) poor soul had one shoe on, he looked scraggley and I came so close to call the cops which now I know I should have. But I did call the agency I use and told as many office people I could because they have clients there as well. Next time I will call the police and the news people, believe it. One other reason I don't like nursing homes.

You know your awareness is something like mini wake up calls that gifts to treasure each an every moment a little more than the last.

So the game plan is to make more time for this less time for that make the best of all of it.

cara & dad

dad & angelina

The other day- around noonish dad came out to have lunch looking kinda slim in the drawyers you could say. So i checked his padding and he didnt have his depends on. So I asked him politely, "Before I start making lunch, would you go and put your depends on, i think youll feel better!" Close to 5 minutes later he comes out with his depends on the outside of his pants, can't get mad at that he did exactly what I said to!

I love days like that.

Last weekend Angelina came over and was watching cartoons with my dad, I guess this stuck with her all week because a few days later she asked me, "Whats deedaw doing?" I told her he was watching tv, she asked "is he watching cartoons?"

About a couple of weeks before that, we had her over and she told Ron and I that she wanted us to buy her a baby dolphin so that she could swim with it at her new house. At her new house she was excited because she was watching her favorite cartoon, I was talking on the phone with her and Amber over her shoulder, "tell nana that we have cable now!" so she tells me, then I ask her Angelina do you know what cable is? She said no. Then she calls me later to tell me all her shows she can watch but she called it Dora cable, sponge bob cable, etc.

a random reflection

Well ok, it's funny when you have a blog or whatever it's called you take a minute to look back and see what's happened the last year and you go. "wow was I depressed or what?" So today I sit here and realize how important it is I really do take care of me. Facts
I pulled out most of my hair before February or it fell out- (now it's coming back yey)
I gained weight (come on people do you really expect me to tell you how much?)
Loss of sleep I have come to terms with is extremely important to my health
When I am stressed it starts to take it's toll way before I realize it and usually by then I am in big trouble

that was the ugly the good is I know I'm not superhuman and I'm setting some limits with myself- yeah maybe in the illusion sense of the word- ha whatever I am really sick of this ok so now since we took a breather over the weekend we had a great time eating shopping repeat etc.............my head is a little clearer and I find that I need breaks like that every couple 3 months or so just to look at myself and be a little me. I realize I am a caregiver all the time, I live breathe and eat it every day. You don't just go to your job and switch it off or on like that I am on all the time, there is not a second of the day that I am not aware of my responsabilities.

But it's really ok and I'm ok with it even though I don't get to do anything or much of what is important to me and the focus is always elsewhere I am happy I am given this chance. It is a struggle but I have been given a gift to see my entire family grow because of it- we share we laugh we fight but we love most of all and we love together.

Ubuntu-you are therefore I am

We are all the same we may not be on the outside but we are.

me

that's all I am, is me
anyway just kinda happy, kinda sad, this week- happy cuz I jogged-ran non-stop 2.01 miles- without dying or grasping badly and still able to breath. Happy cuz everyone in my immediate circle woke up and is doing better than most, we could all be griping about our jobs etc. but for the most part things are strolling along. Today I farted around the house got a few things done, had to do some stuff for kids- took a shower and I get like 5 calls on my cell in 2 minutes. I love my kids don't get me wrong but I am not super human anymore. The only way I can do any amount of good is to take really goo care of myself first then everyone else gets leftovers. Usually including my husband- he's funny cuz he knows I like my quiet time in the morning and I just thought we had different sleeping patterns? We work so well together like this, I'm the early riser and he is like the night shift around here. Ying and yang we are. I did a big kid thing today and actually planned a long weekend for me and my hubby, was supposed to do a week but 4 days isn't all that bad, I should be able to not have too bad anxiety about that. Today in making my protein shake with 1-1/2 scoops protein, 4 strawberries, 3 piece pineapple chunks, plain yogurt, 1/2 cup organic milk 2%, 1 banana, 4 ice cubes and one f---'n spoon left in the blender! So the blender lid shoots off the top and I figure it's just not on tight and so I put the lid back on and hold down the lid not checking inside the blender or realizing the spoon's still in there until I think it's done. What an idiot. So then I go and clean up my mess and have 3 weeks worth of dad's med's that are in daily/week containers so I don't have to do them weekly and they have crap/shake all on the top- me thinks they are water proof and run water on top of containers- guess what, not waterproof. So here's to a good rest of the day with that one, had to call Walgreen's and have'em get me rescript on almost everything.
I cried the other night cuz my dad has had a few "duh" days where he's just not all there, he knows who I am but I guess I should be happy about that. I don't know we have been doing this for 4 years now and I am trying to not burn out for every one's sake, but I swear some times I need my kids to be adult and take care of themselves. I love my family more than anything, but I am getting tired. So now we need to come up with a different plan for me cuz this ain't working!

I am the luckiest girl

I am the luckiest girl in the world. Well yesterday both my parents woke up, both of them in their 80's dad turned 84 yesterday to be exact. Mom got to say happy birthday and fight with him over the newspaper and tell him he was acting like a true --------- and said even on his birthday. They got to fight, they got to wake up another day, what a blessing this must be for them each day. I had this thought as I walked up the stairs and laughed after my mom told on my dad. So we are meeting my daughter Amber, her boyfriend AJ and my grand daughter Angelina at Olive Garden whenever mom is ready. Josh is practicing with his band in S. Florida and Ron is taking Blake to tutoring. Walking past the stairs to the living room dad says as he moves his walker down the step, " Cara, I don't know about this, I got a feeling somethings gonna happen today!" I told him to not jinx us and it's his birthday and we are gonna have a good time and I danced or at least did something that resembled it. Drove to Olive Garden, got dad out of the car in his wheelchair, had mom wait till Amber and crew got there to all walk in together. Mom got out and fell flat on her face, upset bystanders 2 women, my daughter, everyone who was out either stopped and tried to help. AJ and Amber got mom into the car-after having fire department look her over, I drove her to the hospital due to the golf sized knot on her forehead that we were trying to control with ice and swollen knee- all ok just lot's of arthritis on the knee. In the meantime Amber and AJ take dad inside Olive Garden and eat while I take mom to the ER to get checked out. I made sure to explain to Amber she did the right thing by having dad eat on his birthday even though she wanted to be with us. She really showed her heart and future high BP, but she called 911 and gave her all and handled it well for a 25 year old. I am proud. So my husband gets the run down leaving PC and heads to the hospital always assuring me it's no big deal. He has this ability to make me think this and it works very well. Just as I'm bringing mom out he is speaking with AJ and Angelina and my mind is more at ease. I can't figure out how to get everyone home he takes charge and he takes dad, I take mom. We get home he gets dad in bed makes his bed empties his bucket and cleans the kitchen and does the dishes after we eat. Aside from my husband being the most helpful person on earth, he makes me feel like the most beautiful, want to be better and I am because of him. Not many wives can say that. Hopefully I can give him back what he has given me and if not I hope that God sees what a good person he truly is. I don't know many husbands who would give up their sanity to live with their wives elderly parents and put up with it as well as he does. I am truly the luckiest girl in the world.

Now if he could be enticed to stick around for a can of tuna that would be easy.................................................................jk.

motivation and truth

Sometimes I waste hours of my days "looking" or "avoiding" for things to do. Ha, this searching is kind of like trying to find you or maybe avoiding the real you? Too deep, I go sometimes I wonder. So down pat sorta speak I have managed to alter my moods with my fathers laugh or smile. It's funny I like mornings when I wake up early and I veg quietly in front of the laptop and drink my coffee (even though I am not admitting to not feeling well because of it) and listening to my own thoughts or quiet. I used to hate it when my dad would wake up before me and "interrupt" this period of time and so I would allow this thing to overcome me. I read a long time ago in some Buddhist meditation book , pretty sure it was by HH that there is a moment of time a few seconds before we get mad or agitated (one of those emotions) that we have the power to change the reaction to our emotions. Now the first thing that the book explains is that you have to be able to notice the reaction to the emotion first in order to be able to change it and this happens very quickly. So months or maybe a year goes by and I'm still frustrated but hey I'm noticing it right? Wrong, it sucks really because you aren't feeling any better your just seeing the truth of how stupid and selfish you are and that stinks bad! So you notice the moments before the reaction and you allow yourself still to get worked up and mad and still you wonder why people make "you" so miserable, what did you do to them you ask? I am sitting here laughing because once again I wish I had realized this stupidity earlier! So you fight with yourself and say "ugh why am I mad?" But going back further it looks like this:
1- getting frustrated for no reason or maybe there is you just allow Your- self to feel like how dare someone or thing bother me!
2- you start watching your reactions to your emotions or Your-self and still REACT like a idiot- stomping and kicking like a child!
3- you stop and say ok what am I gonna do about this? mostly because your sick and tired of feeling sick and tired
4- you start trying different things- my suggestions of what worked for me-Exercise calms you, finding me time ok here is the thing, people things "interruptions" happen- this me time is NOT being frustrated and putting your headphones on and peddling or meditating outside waiting to calm down and not be frustrated THE ME TIME IS those seconds before you get mad or frustrated and decide to be happy. Ok so I have realized that therapists have it half right, they tell you to go exercise do this do that try this try that do something for yourself. I used to feel annoyed when my I'd be trying to exercise and get interrupted at home or when I was doing something I thought was trying to help, but it doesn't. I am so serious about this it's like I never believed the book but kept reading anyway. Incense works not sure why though, explained to Kim that it's funny when you burn incense to calm down and then when you burn it you automatically feel calm it's kind of like a switch. I highly recommend that!
5- you realize that the book is right and notice your switch happened one day and you notice because I read somewhere that you can choose to be happy-you can choose your reaction- you have choices- it's not everyone else, it's been you all along! I noticed this when I was either sick or moody or in a plain run of the mill stupid assed shitty mood and I most likely hadn't slept either, one morning when waking up and I have my best pissed off face with my best pissed off mood and my stomping or dragging butt must've been a sight of pure idiotness when my dad takes one look at me and laughs and smiles at me! How dare he laugh, how dare he not succumb to my idiotness-stupid assed shitty mood-sleep deprived-moody SELF! Then something happened, I couldn't be mad? Why? Because he took it away! He made the choice not to let me! Argh...................and I decided I felt better. It actually felt better to not feel that way and I felt better making that choice. So now every day I get up grumpy or sleepy and I allow my SELF to be sleepy and my dad laughs and smiles at me and I walk passed him with a groan and a smile and know that it DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THAT WAY anymore.
6- you realize that you read a book and that at sometime everything clicked and your not sure why it did. Maybe it's because you wanted to badly to un-become what didn't work in the past and you were just sick of it. But when it does come you realize what happiness is and where it comes from. Within.
Never realized that when you want something really bad and when you keep working on it you can get to where you want to be eventually.

The choice and what is

Yes I'm on my mission again today about choices. This subject has worn on me a lot lately, but mostly yesterday on information or should I say taking in information. My dad as you know has dementia or what ever his doctor has written down on paper. Since this disease is so complex and confusing it is worth it to sometimes look at books, online resources and come up with answers for some behaviours. My father seems to be more pre-occupied with sex these days than usual and sometimes the moments he chooses and where are not the most appropriate. But what about dementia is appropriate, I mean if you read books on the subject it is called brain damage or changes in the brain as some doctors like to put it. Regardless, the book tells me his behaviours are normal albeit inappropriate to say the least. The light bulb comes on and through reading I discover the best way to help this situation for all is to do the opposite of what I did. I tried to scold him like a child, I apologized for the changes he's had to endure living together, apologized for the fact his wife is not interested in sex, but due to my sanity he had to keep it together. I suck sometimes. Hoping that he's forgotten my assholeidness and not prove catastrophic like the book explains could happen resulting in my actions. My new way is to pretend the behaviour does not exist and as long as he is safe I can just remove myself from his presence or possibly attempt to give him something else to do, (yeah right). So in thinking that I could get additional information based on the fact Alzheimer's is in the name of the website, I travel to the message board in hopes of new and more up to date knowledge. What I find is a bunch of depressed people who only made me depressed and I then choose to not visit that area of the website in the future. I think sometimes it's cathartic to bitch and moan but at the same time you have people who blah, blah, blah I feel so sorry and bad for you, I hope things will get better, maybe you need to change your living situation, blah, blah, blah. Choices, too many negative ones. Put him in a nursing home, how much can you tolerate, you should hear the negativity it's like being on a sinking ship. I feel sorry for the girl who's post got like 30 replies, it's nice people care and all but laugh a little, this is life people. I read a quote that went something like this, "happiness is the dirt beneath your feet". To me that means be happy NOW not later, there is no later, have fun now not tomorrow, be your best now, live for today, my favourite other quote, "Love a person like you could lose them tomorrow. Choices, we have so many. Why not choose to be happy, when I'm sad I feel like I have a hundred pound sack on my back and my legs have 50 lbs weights attached to each. Some days it takes me a little talking to, to get me there but it gets easier the more you make that choice. Believe me, if I can be here and for the 90% part be happy any one can.

truth

Sick to my stomach, I deal with truth, what it is, where does it come from. Sometimes truth or clouds of truth or perceptions of truth are not at all. People saying things that are feelings but not truth and hurtful things that make you think and wonder where truth really lies. " Where truth really lies?" that's funny the way that looks. Looking deep within is very strange and painful at times and calming, beautiful others. Feelings of words that are said to another in opinions of another are painful indeed of clouded truths but what we seek as correct or "right" in your minds eye. The word "I" and "eye" are funny to me as well, "i" have been journaling about since earlier this week. Makes me see things differently- hear me out.

I am talking with a friend discussing food and I explain how somethings are gross that people eat like comparing the show "Bizarre foods" to "Mark and Olly" the people who eat those types of food probably think the same as we do about ours. So I am doing deep research about perception, this by the way is very beneficial to my current situation which requires lot's of POSITIVE PERCEPTION. I capitalize because of the importance and this is the reason for my current happiness, without it could prove disaster. I have to agree with the buddists teachings that it takes meditation and time to reach most truths and that concept in the waiting, watching and pondering all angles of the truth. "the truth, the whole truth and nuttin but the truth" Ha.

Why we ask, when we know, the truth is painful after a while it is not. It just is

"Their", world

Observing. To watch, to learn, to see and try and understand is what observation is to me. Sometimes you observe how you wish to see or hear things other times depending on correct mind state you can observe things the way they are. The truth. Observing the truth cannot be done easily most times you need to be de-tached to the feelings or situation in order to do so. This challenging your thoughts, challenge what you think the mind sees, challenge what you are hearing and seeing that all is good and not deliberate. This to me is what meditation is.

every day and every day and never again this moment.......

Some days you look at a picture and a feeling gets frozen in that shot and it really touches your heart. Yes I'm sure it's attachment which we seem to be driven for the most part in our daily lives, but it's the innocence that is so striking that gets to me most. Children have it, sometimes adults get it when you catch them off guard. Everything is new to a child, their eyes are wide open to everything and everything. Adults have a tendency to look at things more one sided and a bit bias. I think one of the things I cherish most about meditation is that when you do it for a little while you notice that you are more able to see a little more and from different angles. Can we grasp that innocence have we lived to much or thought too much to be able to do so? Can we forgive ourselves enough to do so? In meditation or menditation I like to call it, you have to learn to forgive yourself first, end your own suffering first, a bunch of firsts and new beginnings. I am blessed to have stumbled upon Buddhism for these reasons a lot in part because I am learning how to deal with lots of things differently and most of all the happiness that is everywhere.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama on differences..................

"I come from the East, most of you [here] are Westerners. If I look at you superficially, we are different, and if I put my emphasis on that level, we grow more distant. If I look on you as my own kind, as human beings like myself, with one nose, two eyes, and so forth, then automatically that distance is gone. We are the same human flesh. I want happiness; you also want happiness. From that mutual recognition, we can build respect and real trust of each other. From that can come cooperation and harmony."

-His Holiness the Dalai Lama