Friday, October 8, 2010
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Sunday, October 3, 2010
Clinging & Attachment
Ok so in Buddhism you strive to be free from attachment and clinging to. I've taken care of my father for a few years ago and changes happen so subtle that I don't even notice them. I mean he is slowly deteriorating before my eyes and when I look at him often it saddens me. I suffer the loss each and every day, it's like living in reverse sometimes. Imagine knowing your loved one is getting worse each and every day, there is no cure only death. I used to hate myself for getting frustrated with him, I realize now that it was stress. I wish for longer days, I wish my daughter love and hope for her future. I wish the same for my son to go as far as the sky's limit. I am thankful I have a husband with such a huge heart, who when my dad attempts to get out of the shower with poop all over him (head to toe sometimes) he will let my dad hit him while I clean him. If you know anyone like that, keep 'em they are a keeper! I miss my mom everyday, I miss her smell. I knew when I saw this stupid turkey vulcher on top of the house I knew it was happening. I am not as sad this week as the last few, I have been practicing and reading/studying more. I'm clinging more, I'm loosing. The more I cling it doesn't help, it causes suffering for me, how do I not cling to someone I love. Someone who I loved as a dad, now I love as I care. It just doesn't make sense sometimes. I am blessed to have been given this special treasure.......my parents.
Saw some family for the first time in a year, took a look at Ron & I and said we looked really good. Funny how stress and no sleep can really where you down and your health. Been sleeping since dad's been at the senior center. In May we decided that we try and help dad reverse his day's and nights issue, he sleeps all day and up all night. This was ok when he was walking better before he broke his hip in January and lost mom in February and hasn't talked that much since then either. We used to be able to let him "wander" in the middle of the night to get a snack, look at a magazine drink water. He would even change his depends, now he just tosses them alongside of his bed and lets it rip. With going to the senior center all day Monday-Friday we take him at about 11 and pick up at like 5 latest he sleeps all night, as of now. I honestly don't know how I will physically handle sleep changes again. In the last year illness's have been: broken hip in January, like a urinary tract infection in April, falling and going to the er for xrays etc, bed sores from sitting on his tailbone, hemroids now (having to call the doctor in the am) a huge one at the rectum. Not to mention the everlasting foot fungus on the toe nails. Oh and last the diahreha several times a month.
I want my mom to tell me I'm doing a good job and that she prays for Ron & I every night that we have strength to continue doing what we do and that she wouldn't know what to do with out us. I miss her words, even the nasty curt ones too.
Saw some family for the first time in a year, took a look at Ron & I and said we looked really good. Funny how stress and no sleep can really where you down and your health. Been sleeping since dad's been at the senior center. In May we decided that we try and help dad reverse his day's and nights issue, he sleeps all day and up all night. This was ok when he was walking better before he broke his hip in January and lost mom in February and hasn't talked that much since then either. We used to be able to let him "wander" in the middle of the night to get a snack, look at a magazine drink water. He would even change his depends, now he just tosses them alongside of his bed and lets it rip. With going to the senior center all day Monday-Friday we take him at about 11 and pick up at like 5 latest he sleeps all night, as of now. I honestly don't know how I will physically handle sleep changes again. In the last year illness's have been: broken hip in January, like a urinary tract infection in April, falling and going to the er for xrays etc, bed sores from sitting on his tailbone, hemroids now (having to call the doctor in the am) a huge one at the rectum. Not to mention the everlasting foot fungus on the toe nails. Oh and last the diahreha several times a month.
I want my mom to tell me I'm doing a good job and that she prays for Ron & I every night that we have strength to continue doing what we do and that she wouldn't know what to do with out us. I miss her words, even the nasty curt ones too.
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