It's never too late to say I'm sorry

Those are the most important words you will ever need to know. I don't say that you actively need to ever apologize because sometimes people will look at you and go "Heh?" I am talking about the day in your life when you realize it's not about you, it never was, or when you over react or think that people have "bad" or the "wrong" intentions or ones that you think you understand. Intentions-very complex meaning for that word, can be taken in-numerous ways. People often think when they aren't really thinking that so and so's intentions were this or that and often times we get mad and scurry our little ways and burrough ourselves in little holes that we call our lives. And then there is the ah, ha moments where we trust in something bigger than ourselves or "the self" or "the ego" and say ok I'm gonna give this a shot. So you open up and get real and say to the ego self, "just gonna wear my heart on the outside and see what happens". I'm not talking about being nice or stupid to everyone, doing it when and where it counts and trusting. See that's the biggest problem with the ego self, you don't trust, you keep hidden your not open. Your closed off to the world and in the end when all is said and done and your alone and you think to yourself, "I couldv'e, should've and didn't"-

We are human, humans are stupid, smart, intellectuals, snappy, moody, happy, sad, depressed, angry, a thousand different things or more. But once you realize you are no better, no less you are not closed off anymore and you have the ah, ha moment. You realize that below the stupid, smart, snappy, moody, happy, sad whatever- we all are the same, we all want love, we all have needs, we all care, we are better than we ever expected, everyone else is better than you expected and that is when things of the greatest beauty begin. Maybe it was there already and you just had your eyes closed. Maybe that's what happend to rip van winkle?

So today, something magical happend. My daughter came by for a stop over after taking care of a client and it just so happend dad was getting up (really I think he got up cause he heard her) and I saw a twinkle in his eye. Amber was being nice to him and he asked her if she was patronizing him (big word) and he got on the New York subject that he wants to leave, and Amber said he would go with him. After she left dad went back to lay down, because it wasn't time for him to sleep and when I came back from getting Subway he ate and was heading back to his room, he said, "Amber made we want to cry.", so I asked him why, he said " she said she'd go to New York with me!" People with dementia all need to feel they are not crazy. They sometimes see things that we don't see and sometimes they see something but draw to their own conclusions that it's something else. This is a scary thing for them, they know things aren't right, but they don't need to be treated like it isn't either.

I also learned through my "younger eyes" that we are always changing, we are always different from before, sometimes good and sometimes not. Sometimes it just takes longer to see it too and when you do it's like a little gift from God.

New Angelina'isms

"Nana, your not supposed to talk when other people are talking!"

"Nana what are you doing? I say, nothing, talking to you? Angelina asks again, Nana I'm serious I know your talking to me, I just want to know what else your doing?"

Angelina I ask, when did you learn how to whisle- we are in the car with uncle Josh and trying to talk- , "Nana I just wanted to learn how to whisle, and it took a really long time" So we had to have the whistling is only for outside rule=

to be continued..............................................
Last year sometime Angelina again, asked me what I was doing, whats Dee Da (my dad) doing, Pop pop, Josh the dogs etc. I told her Dee Da was watching TV, what's he watching, she asks? I said I 'm not sure, she then asks, "Is he watching Spongebob again?"
July 17, 2011
Angelina was cooking with me age 6 and learning how to chop with a knife and open a can, etc. I had her put something in the microwave and she looks in it and says " Nana, wow that's a clean microwave, how did you get a clean microwave?" Too funny.

For Amber

The outlook wasn't brilliant for the Mudville nine that day;
The score stood four to two with but one inning left to play;
And then, when Cooney died at first, and Barrows did the same,
A sickly silence fell upon the patrons of the game.
A straggling few got up to go, in deep despair. The rest
Clung to that hope which "springs eternal in the human breast;"
They thought, If only Casey could but get a whack at that,
We'd put up even money now, with Casey at the bat.

But Flynn procede Casey, as did also Jimmy Blake,
And the former was a no-good and the latter was a fake;
So, upon that stricken multitude grim meloncholy sat,
For there seemed but little chance of Casey's getting to the bat.

But Flynn let drive a single, to the wonderment of all,
And Blake, the much despised, tore the cover off the ball,
And when the dust had lifted and men saw what had occurred,
There was Jimmy safe at second, and Flynn a-huggin' third.

Then from five thousand throats and more threr rose a lusty yell,
It rumbled through the valley, it rattled in the dell,
It knocked upon the mountain and recoiled upon the flat,
For Casey, mighty Casey, was advancing to the bat.

There was ease in Casey's manner as he stepped into his place;
There was pride in Casey's bearing and a smile on Casey's face,
And when, responding to the cheers, he lightly doffed his hat,
No stranger in the croud could doubt `twas Casey at the bat.

Ten thousand eyes were on him as he rubbed his hands with dirt;
Five thousand tounges applauded as he wiped them on his shirt.
Then, while the writhing pitcher ground the ball into his hip,
Defiance gleamed in Casey's eye, a sneer curled Casey's lip.

And now the leather-covered sphere came hurtling through the air,
And Casey stood a-watching it in haughty grandeur there,
Close by the sturdy batsman the ball unheeded sped --
"That ain't my style," said Casey. "Strike one," the umpire said.

From the benches, black with people, there went up a muffled roar,
Like the beating of the storm waves on a stern and distant shore.
"Kill him; kill the umpire!" shouted someone from the stand;--
And it's likely they'd have killed him had not Casey raised his hand.

With a smile of Christian charity great Casey's visage shone;
He stilled the rising tumult; he bade the game go on;
He signaled to the pitcher, and once more the spheroid flew;
But Casey still ignored it, and the umpire said, "Strike two."

"Fraud," cried the maddened thousands, and the echo answered "Fraud,"
But one scornful look from Casey, and the multitude was awed.
The saw his face grow stern and cold; they saw his muscles strain,
And they knew that Casey wouldn't let that ball go by again.

The sneer is gone from Casey's lip; his teeth are clenched in hate;
He pounds with cruel violence his bat upon the plate.
And now the pitcher holds the ball, and now he lets it go,
And now the air is shattered by the force of Casey's blow.

Oh! somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light.
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
But there is no joy in Mudville -- mighty Casey has Struck Out.

Written By Ernest Lawrence Thayer, circa 1888

Now that I've finally calmed down~~~~~~

Ok so my son goes to the doctor this morning at 11am finds out he has brochitus, yey! So going back almost 6 hrs to 6:30 am I am woke up by the dogs growling at something outside my door. So to give you an idea of this, my husband and I (dogs included) sleep upstairs probably 20 stairs up to the second floor. On the way up the stairs we only have one railing because my husband moved the right side to the wall downstairs so that my mom and dad would be safer along the wall that has a tile floor and one step to get to both the living room and dining room as well as the front door. My husband about 1 wk ago put a padlock on a closet door that he installed to the kitchen so he can't help himself to snacks he's not allowed to eat. We have a motion sensor in the hallway in front of his bedroom door so when he passes through an alarm type ring is heard upstairs in our bedroom. We have an alarm system on all the door and sliding glass ones as well that chimes when every opening is opened. Lastly in our jail like environment we have installed (Ron again) double sided deadbolts so that when we leave we have to use a key to go out the door and then you lock it again to lock whomever inside. All this so that my dad is safe and has somewhat of a roaming capability. So this morning at 6:30 am I hear my name being called and it sounds like my dad is really close by, how close you ask? Right outside our bedroom door, I screamed or yelled, I forget and I know I cussed like a sailor but it was out of fear of what could've happened. Ron helped (did most of it) from the front walking in front of dad as we step by step got him safely down the stairs. Almost 10 hours later and probably a Mikes cold lemonade or two and I might be ok this evening. Scared and rattled all day long, wasting my energy and feeling like crap because I worried myself sick actually. The reason for him coming upstairs, you ask? All because he wanted the keys to the kitchen so that he could get in there once again. Oh and by the way the reason he most likely had so much energy was because he stole 2 doughnuts, one granola bar and a bunch of potatoe chips from the kitchen yesterday afternoon. I was so mad about that I wouldn't give him any jello last night, and today his blood sugar is 171 when it's usually under 100- So the latest additon in home dad security is a swinging 1 x 4 piece of wood that latches to a padlock and is about hip level that blocks the way to the stairs or the living room. My husband has been in my face several times today explaining that I this is minimal and it could've been way worse if he had fallen, which as usual he is right about that. Thanks God I'm sure it wasn't in your plans today and I am quite thankful for that.

What's new?

Yey my daughter got a job! Yey! Ok so I really didn't want her to go into "this" field and I was like do you really wanna wipe butts for a living? So I did everything possible to discourage her and as usual she is stubborn, sometimes in a good way. Ok so I'm a little rough on her, but I feel she needs me for that and I don't want to let her down either way. I have my beliefs that if life sucks it's your own fault and you make your own happiness too. So she took a course and got her certification for her CNA and I'm proud of her and she is proud too! Anyhoo-that was the big news this week-
Angelina says my mom is a certified nurs is -is sis tint! too funny she is 4 1/2 years old already time is moving too fast- I see her grow and feel so bad and miss her it hurts my soul. But she loves me and this family and she is loved back even more than she will ever know.
Mike my husbands brother is in Thailand 23 hour flight, "Mr. International Traveler" forgot till this morning his flight was this long till I actually thought a while about it.

Been so appreciative of my family lately, it's funny when you change your perspective you can change your heart. It's so true about those 8 words. There is always time to make things better.

Told my dad I was changing my name because he's always, "Cara, Cara" a thousand times a day. So he asked my what I was going to change it too, I said I'm not telling you, then I said Bartholomule so now he calls me that when I don't answer right away. He's too much, mom now is much too much- She told dad not to feed Biggie from his plate every night and every night she reminds him, so this one night she tells dad if you feed him again I'm going to throw something at you! And so she picks up this statue globe thing made out of metal and wood it weighs about 3 lbs and it lands at dads feet! Ah! The girl who stays with them a few nights a week freaked out! Funny stuff- Took them to the podiatrist together luckily Ron came too for backup help, mom had the doctor in hysterics laughing, dad was quiet just smiled. He loves his wife, I feel bad for him cuz he get's frusterated he can't do a few things at the same time and still wants to be "with" her.

Mom has been repeating herself a little more than usual, sleeping a little more too.

Oh yeah, so I was driving down this road I frequent on the way back from getting my iced coffee around noon (then I sometimes pick up lunch too) and I noticed a guy wheeling his chair across this busy street that cars go 50 mph- so I thought that's weird so I remembered a nursing home being across from the direction he was just at. So after being shocked I turn around and pull into the parking lot and a girl is talking to him, So I asked him if he was from across the street the name of the home, and this lady is with him, he doesn't talk clearly she tells me he had a stroke and usually is escorted across the street with someone (liar) she claimed to be his wife (didn't look like it) poor soul had one shoe on, he looked scraggley and I came so close to call the cops which now I know I should have. But I did call the agency I use and told as many office people I could because they have clients there as well. Next time I will call the police and the news people, believe it. One other reason I don't like nursing homes.

You know your awareness is something like mini wake up calls that gifts to treasure each an every moment a little more than the last.

So the game plan is to make more time for this less time for that make the best of all of it.