motivation and truth

Sometimes I waste hours of my days "looking" or "avoiding" for things to do. Ha, this searching is kind of like trying to find you or maybe avoiding the real you? Too deep, I go sometimes I wonder. So down pat sorta speak I have managed to alter my moods with my fathers laugh or smile. It's funny I like mornings when I wake up early and I veg quietly in front of the laptop and drink my coffee (even though I am not admitting to not feeling well because of it) and listening to my own thoughts or quiet. I used to hate it when my dad would wake up before me and "interrupt" this period of time and so I would allow this thing to overcome me. I read a long time ago in some Buddhist meditation book , pretty sure it was by HH that there is a moment of time a few seconds before we get mad or agitated (one of those emotions) that we have the power to change the reaction to our emotions. Now the first thing that the book explains is that you have to be able to notice the reaction to the emotion first in order to be able to change it and this happens very quickly. So months or maybe a year goes by and I'm still frustrated but hey I'm noticing it right? Wrong, it sucks really because you aren't feeling any better your just seeing the truth of how stupid and selfish you are and that stinks bad! So you notice the moments before the reaction and you allow yourself still to get worked up and mad and still you wonder why people make "you" so miserable, what did you do to them you ask? I am sitting here laughing because once again I wish I had realized this stupidity earlier! So you fight with yourself and say "ugh why am I mad?" But going back further it looks like this:
1- getting frustrated for no reason or maybe there is you just allow Your- self to feel like how dare someone or thing bother me!
2- you start watching your reactions to your emotions or Your-self and still REACT like a idiot- stomping and kicking like a child!
3- you stop and say ok what am I gonna do about this? mostly because your sick and tired of feeling sick and tired
4- you start trying different things- my suggestions of what worked for me-Exercise calms you, finding me time ok here is the thing, people things "interruptions" happen- this me time is NOT being frustrated and putting your headphones on and peddling or meditating outside waiting to calm down and not be frustrated THE ME TIME IS those seconds before you get mad or frustrated and decide to be happy. Ok so I have realized that therapists have it half right, they tell you to go exercise do this do that try this try that do something for yourself. I used to feel annoyed when my I'd be trying to exercise and get interrupted at home or when I was doing something I thought was trying to help, but it doesn't. I am so serious about this it's like I never believed the book but kept reading anyway. Incense works not sure why though, explained to Kim that it's funny when you burn incense to calm down and then when you burn it you automatically feel calm it's kind of like a switch. I highly recommend that!
5- you realize that the book is right and notice your switch happened one day and you notice because I read somewhere that you can choose to be happy-you can choose your reaction- you have choices- it's not everyone else, it's been you all along! I noticed this when I was either sick or moody or in a plain run of the mill stupid assed shitty mood and I most likely hadn't slept either, one morning when waking up and I have my best pissed off face with my best pissed off mood and my stomping or dragging butt must've been a sight of pure idiotness when my dad takes one look at me and laughs and smiles at me! How dare he laugh, how dare he not succumb to my idiotness-stupid assed shitty mood-sleep deprived-moody SELF! Then something happened, I couldn't be mad? Why? Because he took it away! He made the choice not to let me! Argh...................and I decided I felt better. It actually felt better to not feel that way and I felt better making that choice. So now every day I get up grumpy or sleepy and I allow my SELF to be sleepy and my dad laughs and smiles at me and I walk passed him with a groan and a smile and know that it DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THAT WAY anymore.
6- you realize that you read a book and that at sometime everything clicked and your not sure why it did. Maybe it's because you wanted to badly to un-become what didn't work in the past and you were just sick of it. But when it does come you realize what happiness is and where it comes from. Within.
Never realized that when you want something really bad and when you keep working on it you can get to where you want to be eventually.