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Clinging & Attachment

Ok so in Buddhism you strive to be free from attachment and clinging to.  I've taken care of my father for a few years ago and changes happen so subtle that I don't even notice them.  I mean he is slowly deteriorating before my eyes and when I look at him often it saddens me.  I suffer the loss each and every day, it's like living in reverse sometimes.  Imagine knowing your loved one is getting worse each and every day, there is no cure only death.  I used to hate myself for getting frustrated with him, I realize now that it was stress.  I wish for longer days, I wish my daughter love and hope for her future.  I wish the same for my son to go as far as the sky's limit.  I am thankful I have a husband with such a huge heart, who when my dad attempts to get out of the shower with poop all over him (head to toe sometimes) he will let my dad hit him while I clean him.  If you know anyone like that, keep 'em they are a keeper! I miss my mom everyday, I miss her smell.  I knew when I saw this stupid turkey vulcher on top of the house I knew it was happening.  I am not as sad this week as the last few, I have been practicing and reading/studying more.  I'm clinging more, I'm loosing. The more I cling it doesn't help, it causes suffering for me, how do I not cling to someone I love.  Someone who I loved as a dad, now I love as I care.  It just doesn't make sense sometimes.  I am blessed to have been given this special treasure.......my parents.
Saw some family for the first time in a year, took a look at Ron & I and said we looked really good.  Funny how stress and no sleep can really where you down and your health.  Been sleeping since dad's been at the senior center. In May we decided that we try and help dad reverse his day's and nights issue, he sleeps all day and up all night.  This was ok when he was walking better before he broke his hip in January and lost mom in February and hasn't talked that much since then either.  We used to be able to let him "wander" in the middle of the night to get a snack, look at a magazine drink water.  He would even change his depends, now he just tosses them alongside of his bed and lets it rip.  With going to the senior center all day Monday-Friday we take him at about 11 and pick up at like 5 latest he sleeps all night, as of now.  I honestly don't know how I will physically handle sleep changes again.  In the last year illness's have been: broken hip in January, like a urinary tract infection in April, falling and going to the er for xrays etc, bed sores from sitting on his tailbone, hemroids now (having to call the doctor in the am) a huge one at the rectum.  Not to mention the everlasting foot fungus on the toe nails. Oh and last the diahreha several times a month.
 I want my mom to tell me I'm doing a good job and that she prays for Ron & I every night that we have strength to continue doing what we do and that she wouldn't know what to do with out us.  I miss her words, even the nasty curt ones too.

"mom" September 15 1926- February 6 2010

I can remember as far back as being in a walker frustrated and wanting to knock some books on the floor to get some attention from my mom who was busy making dinner in the other room.  Her eyes were always on me, I was determined to get those books on the floor and then she would come.  I know thats what I was wanting to do, even though my mom thought I just liked to knock them on the floor for any reason.  I see pictures of me when I was a baby younger than the walker stage that I don't remember when my grandmother on my dads side would call on pretty days and ask my mother, "Charlotte where is Cara, why aren't you both outside?" Playpens in the back yard and a dog named Cuddles biting bees to keep them away from me, my own private body guard.  I had the very best childhood with the fondest of memories from "fruit time" as my mom would call it to friday nights ice skating followed by fries at friendlys.  My mother would yell this fruit time stuff that killed me with embrassment my block mates who would tease me to no end.  That wouldn't last long when mom would invite the who entire block for a watermelon party on hot afternoons kids would like up at the back porch.  At night time, I was a terrible child.  Dad would offer a few sips of wine just to get me sleepy enough to not fight bedtime, or the ultimate was a spider and bugs kept in jars.  The dreaded bugs, torturing a child of 3 with bugs until I believed I was in boarding school at teenage.  And if the bugs didn't do it, out came the dreadful spider jar, "AHHHH".

So back to the present, the loss of mom has been truly heavy on my dad to say the least the rest of the family but hardest on him.  This young girl from Orlando she had autism and was lost in a swampy area found waste deep in water and mud was found after five days.  I explained to my dad what happened and I asked, "wow how did she do that, no food or water?,,he replied, "she had the will to live."  The other day Ron asked him how he was today, "Shitty fitty!" was his answer.

This is who she was........my mom

another broken hip for dad =(

Ok so life will often throw you a loop and we either have a choice to accept what is happening fully or we can attempt to block this flow of energy and let it knock us down anyway. I am telling you it is better to go with the flow as the saying says. Acceptance can be in the form of choosing not to fight, looking at all sides of a story and not neccasarily agreeing with all sides but accepting that just because you have ingrained this into your memory to respond to this situation the same all the time. You see 4 years ago the last time dad broke his hip, I was standing over his bed attempting to get him to eat or whatever. Then I did not have an abundance of patience to put someone elses needs before my own nor did I ever think of it? I mean I was a giving person I thought and basically nice too, but I didn't have this thing I was lacking. Maybe compassion to not look at things through burdensom eyes or instead of thinking when is this going to be done and when am I going to not have to do this. Not sure what the word is for what I'm feeling but I will try and discribe it to you. As long as I have my mind and I can sit a little with it I am fine. I don't want to say happy or at peace or calm or anything else I say fine because it is just that and nothing more. See if your way up happy this way and then your just happy then you just maybe a little happy. Or you could even be a little mad or even grumpy too but your still grumpy. See being fine to me is being ok, I can breathe calmly, I can complet a thought, I can just be or just be me. Maybe that's the reason I like the library or maybe that's why people usually like too because you can just be with your book and not have to worry about checking the laundry or dinner etc.

So today I am sitting in the hospital as my father sleeps and I'm just being me and I'm really fine with that. My dad fell while Ron and I went out to dinner, we came home gave him some tylenol, tried to get him to bear weight on the side was painful and then decided to take him to the hospital to have him checked out. Funny thing is that he told us that it was his hip all along. The girl who was at the house from the agency said he can't have a broken hip, he's moving his feet? I even explained how when last time he did the same thing in a wheelchair in the waiting room at this hospital for 8 hours and then 6 hours before was spent going to the doctor's office and then the hopital not once did he act like I surely would if I had broken my hip! I listen to his breathing and cherish it as odd as this may sound. The anestheseologist stated that there is a 50% mortality rate amongst his age bracket for recovery. He even told us he lost his grandmother the same way. I cherish the thought of feeding him, whiping his face, and planning his next step of care. For a fleeting second I think about how lost I will be without him. I miss his stupid dirty laundry, his calling me all day long for anything, reminding him to stop feeding the dogs, dad telling him to use a napkin when he picks his nose. I think the dogs miss him the most.

This is how it works for you newbees out there, 1st the hospital emergency or however you get there be it sickness or family choice. A hospital stay, two days later a visit from the hospital social worker who gives you a list of area rehab/nursing homes. If your like me, you rush around crazy looking at these places (to put it nice) and you a decision based usually on your gut reaction. Insurance I believe pays for 28 days, they get rehab while your there. You need to go and be a presence at these places this is important because this shows the staff your not going to let stuff not be done or that they will get away with anything. After rehab or just before you need to find out what your family member will need in order to come home and function as best as they can without assistance. The reason for this is because the less you do the more strength and thought process they keep. This is the truth. Insurance makes it mandatory to have a PT person come to your house for 30 minutes and try and exercise with them. And all this time from the very beginning you will be learning patience and you won't even know it until one day you stop yourself and say wow that stupid inpatient feeling isn't there anymore. I am fine with being, and patient.
Have patience with yourself and you'll be fine.