Spoke my mind and then some

ok so doctors and offices are potentially overkill on a lot of things. Dad falls and everyone is like take him to the er~ummmm no maybe order xrays and send him to do that? Why cause him stress and upset, his life has plenty of that. Ridiculous I say, you take him to the er it's very scary for someone with dementia. If you don't, "oh you should...." they say~ whatever. Use your brain whenever possible, there are sometimes alternate routes that can be taken. If he was bleeding that would be another thing, bones sticking out, fever, lots of weakness~
I hate this fucking disease, it kills a lot more than just the person with it.

Ok so Tuesday, 5 days ago we got referrels for xrays and Friday we finally hear back from the doctors office. 4 days later~ hmmmm.........calling the ortho doctor on Monday

alzheimers will crush your soul and your familys

ok so we don't know at this point if his collar bone is broken, if it is again then the er will only send him home with a sling and or pain meds with a follow up with a orthopedic surgeon.  It is killing me inside each blow of this disease.  worse, worse, till peace.  If he breaks something every other time he falls, then what? That I don't know if I can take.  I can't be up all night, how do I do this? Do I hire someone to come by every night? What about my time with family? The only time I spend time with them is either when he's home or not and he's not a burden at all it's just tough.  It's just tough.  Last night getting him up from the wheelchair was tough, he walks ok.  I feel like a failure sometimes, especially here.  Ron hugged him last night and wanted to get cussed at by him like he used to.  I wispered in dad's ear, "call him a mother fucker" and he did.  It made my husband cry.  I was shredding paper, when I cam across a card from mom, it read "Dear Ron, thank you for picking us up when we fall~remember what goes around comes around, love Charlotte" ~ this made us cry too.  This disease FUCKING SUCKS ROYALLY!

So the cure for soul crushing you ask? A grand daughter or stepson or anything younger than your parent or loved one. Instant feel betters, I promise. I have the tendency to over react and take my dad to the hospital for everything, I've even called hospice on a Sunday to look at my dads foot in fear it would turn gang green. Kids put you back in perspective of things even if your being silly, or cooking or whatever. Thank God for balance and family.

being non verbal most of the time

I hate the fact my father doesn't talk anymore, this has been the hardest for me to accept.  At times it's nice because he doesn't cuss out loud anymore but being able to answer questions would be nice.  This morning my husband got up to use the bathroom at 6ish and heard him banging on the wall, I went in after he told me and I found him on the floor.  Asking him if he's ok is a challenge because he can't really tell you what hurts, he will only shake his head.  So watching him, the way he moves and acts is the best way.  So say goodbye to the yelling or calling out, it is no more.

This guy~

Unpredictable this disease is, one moment your here the next your not.  One moment your daughter is joking with you asking what kind of chinese food he wants and his reply, "up your ass" - the next minute he's trying to put his feet on the back of the bench seats in the van with his seatbelt connected and almost completely on the van floor!

Note to those with family members, 

I constantly assure my dad he's alright and ok, sometimes they (with the disease) get upset and very frusterated with everything and I mean everything from talking to walking and God forbid you ask them while they are trying to consentrate on something because this makes them mad.  When my dad tries to speak and can't get the words out, I always tell him it's ok and wait till he gets a word or hits or pats me on the back and assure them everything is ok.  Even tho it's not, even tho they might be walking around with a depends full of you know what and are attempting to leave the house naked, ALWAYS gently remind them it's ok.  Just because they can't or don't communicate well doesn't mean they don't feel YOUR frusteration, anger, whatever with the disease.  Remember they are suffering, struggling with everything around them every time they open their eyes.  They are asking who is this person? Remind them.  Why am I walking around the house at 3am with no clothes on? Tell them thank you for checking on me that I came home and ask them, "do you want me to go to bed, now?" GIVE THEM A REASON FOR DOING WHAT THEY ARE DOING, BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE A CLUE WHY THEY ARE DOING IT! This reasures and comforts them.  It's like you know when you walk in a room and you forget why your there, come on we've all done that.  Now imagine that you do that with everything, "Why am I looking at the tv, why is that person helping me? what is that food or thing in front of me? what am I supposed to do with that? Then there is the imaginary things that at times during this disease that pop up: Seeing my dad in the kitchen with a butcher knife going to protect my mom from the Afganies? Seeing kittens jump out of boots, seeing people that are'nt there- to be continued.....

every day and there are 365 a year....etc. etc.......

Appreciate all the moments you are given, there is a no refund policy in effect..... Me

Ok so I'm a person with a lot of interests, I'm interested in art, music, other countries, our own economy the many wars we get ourselves into, awareness of things that I like to expose others to, the outdoors, animals, I also am attentionally deficit at times and feel lost with all things that pop into my head.  Like why don't I blog more, too busy living.  I like to watch others and say nothing and then sometimes I do and it's all wrong. I'm human and I have a lot of work to do.  I care about a lot and do nothing about it, makes you feel "help-less" sometimes~ I want to be a better me before I look back and say OOPS! That would be bad, but for the most part I don't see that.  God grant me the serenity to change what I can and accept that which I can not change and the wisdom to know the difference.

Feeling great lately not physically (but I'm working on that one, started exercising again) mentally I feel paings at my heart missing my mom and missing my dad who is here but not the same.  I am sad he misses my mom at the same time I look at that all together differently because it is an honor to do so.  Grieving for another is our God given right as humans, elephants do it do (look it up, if you don't believe me) I am not in pain I am in acceptance.  I regret not having enough of me to have been around more for my grand daughter Angelina.  This brings great pain in my heart.  When I do have her to myself I treasure her presence deeply.  I have my limits, I have to.

My advice for the day~look into the future who do you not see?
Take it how ever you wish..................