all that changes & is

ok so the stepson has been taking some steps into adulthood, not the changes that we usually associate with being in the later part of 16. So In May of this year he decides to get an eyebrow piercing, big deal. He then gets his hair cut and dyed in this new fashion style emo or scene as the kids put it these days (Old I am sounding!) So he goes from listening to rap and wearing football jersey's in February to this emo skinny jeans attempting to skateboard falls off and decides to not go near it again to hanging out with the dreaded idiots at the palm coast library. These kids all smoke, all like to "DEFY" the man by hanging out at the public library-oh mom can I go to the library it sounds so innocent? right? wrong. I am mad on one hand because we have talked and talked about everything from smoking to drugs etc. I am mad because I couldn't fix it for my own kids and can't fix it now either. I have spent most of this weekend thinking about this and have made conclusions based on the past of what worked and what didn't .
Kids change anyway
you can talk all you want they still change
kids need to feel accepted
kids need to make their own decisions and if you don't let them they will find some other way and it will appear DEFIANT!
Defiant is change to a teen
teens are adults just sticking their toes in the fountain of old age
they are not usually happy just being teens they want to grow up and be rebellious and make decisions even if you don't want them to
they do it anyway
you have a long talk with them after doing something dumb you punish THEY LIE they do "whatever" anyway
you don't do anything they DO IT ANYWAY
HERE IS THE AHA MOMENT FOR ME!
When a teen is rediscovering them self or recreating them self this is good and bad-bad if they do it to fit in with the bad crowd etc and do bad things- but they have to be able to get it out- meaning if you perhaps punish and negatively effect this change you cause them to rebel or do whatever out of either frustration or anger or just doing the opposite of what ever your wish is. This being themselves and recreating their self is a SURVIVAL TOOL- look at people who are really successful, they change just like a chameleon to whatever their surroundings are and they don't get killed by the part of society that is fighting for that job because they can't conform
THIS IS SOMETHING WE LOSE OR HOLD ONTO AS ADULTS
when we are young we change yearly UNTIL WE FIGURE OUT WHAT IS THE EASIEST WAY OR MOST COMFORTABLE WAY TO GO THROUGH LIFE
we see pain we don't like it but instead of ADAPTING TO THE SITUATION we run from it we cover it up we ignore it we take drugs or drink to escape it
teens adapt we do not unless we attempt to see things a little different
my son Josh went from this surfer image at school to fit in- then to the dark side all black clothing (mall zombies they called them) hell one of his friends had a trench coat (weirdo) then he went to straight edge -
my daughter has gone through it all too and finally found her nitch too-
I think the more shocked you react to these changes depends on how whomever will change moreso in either direction good or bad.
So getting back to the adult thing- you have these kids acting like an adult doing adult things but not so much effective like adult things like jobs and positive things- I think were did I go wrong? What did I do or not do to make or break this kid or kids? Well I don't think it was us, I think it's each and every kid had a desire or some kind of idea they want out of life and oh they will tell you I don't know this , I don't know what I want to do- they still want to BE ACCEPTED for what they are or aren't and IF YOU DON"T ACCEPT THEM THEIR IS A GROUP OF KIDS AT THE LIBRARY THAT WILL! So I think acceptance is first and all the while guidance helps too, acceptance and love and understanding even when you don't want to.

LYING-denial-ok so so n so lies for the umpteenth time and you call them on it they so no it's the truth- RULE IS TO LET THEM LIE EVENTUALLY SOMEDAY THEY WILL REALIZE THEY ARE LYING TO THEM SELVES OR actually even if they believe the lie that they know is a lie it didn't happen -once again adapting to the situation being chameleon like changing for what ever is to come

THEY WILL EVENTUALLY BECOME ADULT ENOUGH TO TELL THE TRUTH SOMEDAY AND IF THEY DON"T THEN THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE GONNA DO ANYWAY SO JUST ACCEPT IT OR DON"T

I would like to explain the meaning of compassion which is often misunderstood. Genuine compassion is based not on our own projections and expectations, but rather on the rights of the other: irrespective of whether another person is a close friend or an enemy, as long as that person wishes for peace and happiness and wishes to overcome suffering, then on that basis we develop a genuine concern for his or her problems – His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama