grand daughters are the most beautiful things on earth, you have a strong feeling that they can do no wrong yet you want to teach them everything you know that is good in the world.  7 year olds are the most fun of all (ask me next year) I am still allowed to be seen with her and that feels just fine

grand daughters= love

enlightenment & suffering

When I started this journey of taking care of my dad I began with the knowledge that I thought (an illusion) that things could get easier and that I could fix my dads situation.  As time went on I began to get frustrated and began losing my patience daily.  I still live in a bubble illusion that I do what I can daily to make sure my dad gets what he needs and face obstacles that make me scared.  Fear is usually what we have either faced before or is unknown.  It is much easier to face each day with hopes of a new beginning that can be positive for ourselves or someone else.  In this case both.  Fighting with fear, frustration, anger and losing control doesn't work.  Accepting and willing to do what is right or here and now is bliss, it is the only way to be happy.  Being happy my dad doesn't have much speech left, or can hardly stand by himself?  How can this be?  Taking my happiness from wherever each moment leads me, finding it in words or expressions that he has little of.
Yesterday dad tried to help with his depends and I reminded him of when I was a baby he was getting ready for a meeting all dressed up with a suit and tie, he lifted me gave me a kiss..........and I asked him patiently what I did.  I waited and repeated the story and he replied a few moments later, "puked" and smiled.  I patted his leg and said that's great, you remembered! It makes me happy.  When he poops, I know his system is working-that makes me happy.  He picks up a cup by himself and takes a drink, that makes me happy.  Relief.  But there is still the illusion of control there, but I'll deal with that later.
Control is an illusion, we have none.  But if there is a day with no sores or falls and his system is functioning, I am happy.

I used to dread thinking about this time of my parents life, I used to dread thinking of having to care for them.  I believe most feel this way, but are too proud to say so.  Dreading, is an illusion of a fear of the unknown.  If you don't know what will be, why dread it so?  We fear we may not be able to handle something, we have no idea until we do it.  I used to dread my feelings of frustration, my unknown.  Live here, live now that is all you have.  Tomorrow is never promised.  Inconveniences are constant, interruptions are everywhere and they can test your patience.  Let go of that illusion and accept this time you have and if it were your last day.  If I could go back in time I would have loved to been able to experience it like I am now.  Appreciate, appreciate, appreciate that you have come so far as to give up illusions of control.  I used to dread my feelings of sorrow for losing my mom, but it is a small reminder of what life gives you-the moment.  I can feel my sorrow, I can feel my dads loss daily, I can have these feelings and not fight them and just be with them and that is enough.  Imagine for a second you have a cold, we all hate colds this is true.  Fighting the cold, you can't win-it doesn't make the cold go away does it? But eventually the cold goes away and it had nothing with you NOT wanting it or fighting it, did it? It went away on it's own, all by itself.  Feelings are like that, they eventually pass and you either notice them before they hit or you don't and don't understand at first that some you can control others are the product of years of imbedding into your makeup and they take a while to adjust and or accept.  Kind of like a wave, I've heard sayings like-something about what happens to you and more of how you adapt to it.  Thank you God, thank you universe, I am human, I make mistakes, I am not perfect.....my world is.