our last 2 weeks together

The end of March, the night before you ate and drank ok. This morning I went to check on you and found you had thrown up some mysterious color, hematemesis they call it.  It looked like blood with coffee grounds in it.  I call the nurse, thankfully dad's cna is here early the one who bathes him through hospice.  As I call the nurse he projectile vomits again, this time it comes out his nose as well.  The nurse comes and she can not identify or say positively what the vomit is.  I tell her, he did it a few months ago projectile again same color.  The after hours nurse comes to admit him to the floor, she anticipates he has 10 days and he looks very different from the last time she saw him. All day I cut off fluids and food and we have him go to the hospice floor at the hospital to monitor him and keep his nausea down.  Over the weekend he doesn't throw up again.  That Sunday we visit on the hospice floor with the kids, we attempted to get him to eat only small amounts wondering if he'll rebound again this time.  In reminiscing with the kids (Amber, Josh & Angelina) I glance and see something out of the corner of my eye. Its a blue ish shadow over my father.  To me it appears as if an angel is over him, I shake my head and tell my daughter I saw something.  I decide to take him home Monday either way, if this is his end I want him at home not in some cold dreary place with no one.  That Monday he comes home, my CNA Ericka is upset with me because I didn't call her. It was her birthday weekend.  We get him home he eats yogurt and some smoothie and drinks well.  His regular nurse comes Tuesday and really doesn't see too much difference in him. I called the funeral home trying to figure out whats needed for him to get his honorable veterans send off, they say I need a dd214, I looked everywhere. Nothing.  I finally look in moms old desk and find what I need, I also find two little bibles the size of my hand from 1932.  One was my uncle Hugh's and the other was my mom's after she was baptized.  Wednesday comes and he's too weak to drink from a straw, yet swallow.  Friday is a week no fluids or food, his CNA comes to bathe him. Ericka our CNA has stayed 24 hours shifts since Monday night.  We've spent the last week reminiscing our lives together, yesterday April 2 I turned 49.  I ask him not to leave me just yet. Saturday we reminisce, I have the kids say their good byes.  Josh my son says he looks scared as he was of dying.  We read scriptures from the bible online, when I remember the hand sized bibles in the desk.  
My father never believed in being extremely harsh with me, when it came time to discipline me. I was around 12-13 years old and my dad took me to a softball field and an older gentleman came and started talking to him.  My dad explained I wasn't the best behaved young lady etc etc, the older gentleman looks at me and says, "remember to always, honor you mother and your father".  I'm 12 or 13, I don't want to hear anything but my dad takes that and reminds me at least yearly, "remember what that older gentleman said to you" Yes dad.  
So I open the bible and at this point in someones passing a lot of spiritual things happen and I look for maybe something is marked off somewhere giving me guidance or telling me something.  The exact page is marked off with a very old newspaper corner stuck in to mark the page.  A picture of an indian man with the title "the water carrier" St. Mathew 13. I keep reading till I start to get all choked up to St. Mathew 15 "Then came to Jesus Scribes and Pharisees, which were of Jerusalem saying.  Why do thy desciples transgress the tradition of the elders?  I froze in disbelief.  The following was read to my father by me.

4For God commanded, saying, Honour thy father and mother, and, He that curses father or mother, let him die without recourse.5But ye say, Whosoever shall say to his father or his mother, Whatever I might have helped thee with is already my offering unto God,6and now has no need to honour his father or his mother with succour. Thus ye have made the commandment of God of no effect by your tradition.7Ye hypocrites, well did Isaiah prophesy of you, saying,8This people draws nigh unto me with their mouth and honours me with their lips, but their heart is far from me.9But in vain do they worship me, teaching doctrines and commandments of men.

10And calling the multitude unto him, he said unto them, Hear and understand:11not that which goes into the mouth defiles the man; but that which comes out of the mouth, this defiles the man.12Then his disciples came and said unto him, Knowest thou that the Pharisees were offended when they heard this word?13But he answered and said, Every plant which my heavenly Father has not planted shall be rooted up.14Let them alone; they are blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into a pit.15Then Peter answered and said unto him, Declare unto us this parable.16And Jesus said, Are ye also yet without understanding?17Do not ye yet understand that whatever enters in at the mouth goes into the belly and is cast out into the draught?18But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart, and they defile the man.19For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies:20these are the things which defile the man, but to eat with unwashed hands does not defile the man.

21Then Jesus left there and departed into the parts of Tyre and Sidon.22And, behold, a woman of Canaan having come out of the same borders cried unto him, saying, Lord, Son of David, have mercy on me; my daughter is sick, possessed by a demon.23But he answered her not a word. And his disciples came and besought him, saying, Send her away, for she cries out after us.24But he answered and said, I am not sent but unto the lost sheep of the house of Israel.25Then she came and worshipped him, saying, Lord, help me.26But he answered and said, It is not good to take the children’s bread and to cast it to the little dogs.27And she said, Yes, Lord, yet the little dogs eat of the crumbs which fall from their masters’ table.28Then Jesus answered and said unto her, O woman, great is thy faith; be it unto thee even as thou desire. And her daughter was made whole from that very hour.

29And Jesus left there and came nigh unto the sea of Galilee and went up into the mountain and sat down there.30And many people came unto him, having with them those that were lame, blind, dumb, maimed, and many other sick and cast them down at Jesus’ feet; and he healed them,31insomuch that the multitude wondered when they saw the dumb to speak, the maimed to be whole, the lame to walk, and the blind to see, and they glorified the God of Israel.32Then Jesus called his disciples unto him and said, I have mercy on the multitude because they persevere with me now three days and have nothing to eat, and I desire not to send them away fasting lest they faint in the way.33Then his disciples say unto him, From where do we have so much bread in the wilderness as to satisfy so great a multitude?34And Jesus said unto them, How many loaves have ye? And they said, Seven and a few little fishes.35And he commanded the multitude to sit down on the ground.36And he took the seven loaves and the fishes and gave thanks and broke them and gave to his disciples, and the disciples to the multitude.37And they all ate and were filled, and they took up of the broken food that was left seven baskets full.38And those that ate were four thousand men besides women and children.39And he sent away the multitude and took ship and came into the borders of Magdala.

I don't go to church, I am spiritual in most ways and can feel things. My father was happy to hear these prayers, we also sang.  Saturday that night I fell asleep lying in bed next to him, Ericka trying not to stare said he watched me sleep. It has been 8 days without proper nourishment.  Sunday we don't celebrate Easter, this past week I never left the house, ordered more fast food and take out than ever in the last 10 years.  We are all exhausted, I don't sleep in bed with my husband .  Amber shows up all different hours.  We reminisce until we just start talking about God knows what, Ericka and I.  I have a lot of heart to heart talks with Ericka and Amber my daughter.  This is a picture of Snoop, she's on my dads bed in this photo. 

Snoop is weird kitty, or typical kitty. She doesn't like to be coddled, unless she chooses to. She curls up in my dads chair down by his legs or up by his head. She has comforted him for the last 3-4 years, she loves Kathy and Ericka and has been sick a few days.  It just so happens a few days before my dad gets sick, I notice how much weight she's lost so I take her into the vet the day before this all happens.  So they call me Friday the day of my dads "event" as hospice likes to call it and tell me they want Snoop to come and get some fluids a couple of shots. B12 & a two week antibiotic as her mouth is ulcered and we think its her teeth possibly.  As dad worsens she has a mission to comfort dad, day and night.  She wants to lay by his head but is ok with laying down by his feet.  Over the weekend she eats periodically for strength , its obvious now she had a mission.