The choice and what is

Yes I'm on my mission again today about choices. This subject has worn on me a lot lately, but mostly yesterday on information or should I say taking in information. My dad as you know has dementia or what ever his doctor has written down on paper. Since this disease is so complex and confusing it is worth it to sometimes look at books, online resources and come up with answers for some behaviours. My father seems to be more pre-occupied with sex these days than usual and sometimes the moments he chooses and where are not the most appropriate. But what about dementia is appropriate, I mean if you read books on the subject it is called brain damage or changes in the brain as some doctors like to put it. Regardless, the book tells me his behaviours are normal albeit inappropriate to say the least. The light bulb comes on and through reading I discover the best way to help this situation for all is to do the opposite of what I did. I tried to scold him like a child, I apologized for the changes he's had to endure living together, apologized for the fact his wife is not interested in sex, but due to my sanity he had to keep it together. I suck sometimes. Hoping that he's forgotten my assholeidness and not prove catastrophic like the book explains could happen resulting in my actions. My new way is to pretend the behaviour does not exist and as long as he is safe I can just remove myself from his presence or possibly attempt to give him something else to do, (yeah right). So in thinking that I could get additional information based on the fact Alzheimer's is in the name of the website, I travel to the message board in hopes of new and more up to date knowledge. What I find is a bunch of depressed people who only made me depressed and I then choose to not visit that area of the website in the future. I think sometimes it's cathartic to bitch and moan but at the same time you have people who blah, blah, blah I feel so sorry and bad for you, I hope things will get better, maybe you need to change your living situation, blah, blah, blah. Choices, too many negative ones. Put him in a nursing home, how much can you tolerate, you should hear the negativity it's like being on a sinking ship. I feel sorry for the girl who's post got like 30 replies, it's nice people care and all but laugh a little, this is life people. I read a quote that went something like this, "happiness is the dirt beneath your feet". To me that means be happy NOW not later, there is no later, have fun now not tomorrow, be your best now, live for today, my favourite other quote, "Love a person like you could lose them tomorrow. Choices, we have so many. Why not choose to be happy, when I'm sad I feel like I have a hundred pound sack on my back and my legs have 50 lbs weights attached to each. Some days it takes me a little talking to, to get me there but it gets easier the more you make that choice. Believe me, if I can be here and for the 90% part be happy any one can.

truth

Sick to my stomach, I deal with truth, what it is, where does it come from. Sometimes truth or clouds of truth or perceptions of truth are not at all. People saying things that are feelings but not truth and hurtful things that make you think and wonder where truth really lies. " Where truth really lies?" that's funny the way that looks. Looking deep within is very strange and painful at times and calming, beautiful others. Feelings of words that are said to another in opinions of another are painful indeed of clouded truths but what we seek as correct or "right" in your minds eye. The word "I" and "eye" are funny to me as well, "i" have been journaling about since earlier this week. Makes me see things differently- hear me out.

I am talking with a friend discussing food and I explain how somethings are gross that people eat like comparing the show "Bizarre foods" to "Mark and Olly" the people who eat those types of food probably think the same as we do about ours. So I am doing deep research about perception, this by the way is very beneficial to my current situation which requires lot's of POSITIVE PERCEPTION. I capitalize because of the importance and this is the reason for my current happiness, without it could prove disaster. I have to agree with the buddists teachings that it takes meditation and time to reach most truths and that concept in the waiting, watching and pondering all angles of the truth. "the truth, the whole truth and nuttin but the truth" Ha.

Why we ask, when we know, the truth is painful after a while it is not. It just is

"Their", world

Observing. To watch, to learn, to see and try and understand is what observation is to me. Sometimes you observe how you wish to see or hear things other times depending on correct mind state you can observe things the way they are. The truth. Observing the truth cannot be done easily most times you need to be de-tached to the feelings or situation in order to do so. This challenging your thoughts, challenge what you think the mind sees, challenge what you are hearing and seeing that all is good and not deliberate. This to me is what meditation is.

every day and every day and never again this moment.......

Some days you look at a picture and a feeling gets frozen in that shot and it really touches your heart. Yes I'm sure it's attachment which we seem to be driven for the most part in our daily lives, but it's the innocence that is so striking that gets to me most. Children have it, sometimes adults get it when you catch them off guard. Everything is new to a child, their eyes are wide open to everything and everything. Adults have a tendency to look at things more one sided and a bit bias. I think one of the things I cherish most about meditation is that when you do it for a little while you notice that you are more able to see a little more and from different angles. Can we grasp that innocence have we lived to much or thought too much to be able to do so? Can we forgive ourselves enough to do so? In meditation or menditation I like to call it, you have to learn to forgive yourself first, end your own suffering first, a bunch of firsts and new beginnings. I am blessed to have stumbled upon Buddhism for these reasons a lot in part because I am learning how to deal with lots of things differently and most of all the happiness that is everywhere.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama on differences..................

"I come from the East, most of you [here] are Westerners. If I look at you superficially, we are different, and if I put my emphasis on that level, we grow more distant. If I look on you as my own kind, as human beings like myself, with one nose, two eyes, and so forth, then automatically that distance is gone. We are the same human flesh. I want happiness; you also want happiness. From that mutual recognition, we can build respect and real trust of each other. From that can come cooperation and harmony."

-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

sampson 198?-2008 our little buddy

I've probably put this to the back of my mind for many reasons. We speak of attachments to things and people but rarely our pets. We are attached because they are more than just a pet to us. We get mad at them, take them for granted but love them alot differently than humans. When you truly love a pet you don't think about how important, stupid, ugly, tired, meaningless, selfish you are. You just love. You don't get a car, you don't get an atta girl, you don't get money, you don't get anything except love back from an animal when you love them. When you loose them you loose that special love. As I try and be supportive to my husband who has loved Sampson twice as long as me, I can't help but appreciate this. I am sorry I waited so long to say goodbye to my friend of almost 10 years. Most of the 10 years I've known him he was blind due to cataracts but the most fascinating thing was that he could always find his way around, even upstairs especially to find his best friend Ronnie. I can't stand to look down and not see him being held by Ronnie or hearing his mows or even getting mad at him for peeing so much. Ronnie would get so mad at him, all he wanted was up down from his lap and then Sampson would just sit with his nose barely touching Ronnie's leg, just to let him know he was there. Ronnie would always give in. Sampson loved to be held and Ronnie loved to hold Sampson. They were there for eachother, Sampson couldn't see and Ronnie had his buddy. Any time Ronnie was sad about missing his mom, I would pick Sampson up and put him in his lap.

I can't remember how many times I fell asleep with that cat in my arms, no matter what kind of shitty day you had you could hold Sampson and feel better in minutes. Sometimes you didn't even know how he ended up in your lap and you would try and figure it out and never would. My mom is 83, has always hated cat's all of them, they would make her dog's run and cause her to fall down or make her dogs bark and kill birds. When my mom was staying with us while my dad was in the hospital, she was lonely. Sampson would find his way to her lap and comfort her and keep her company. He did this till my dad came home and my mom will still tell you that Sampson is the 1st cat she ever loved. Ronnies mom used to feed Sampson his dad's lunch meat and tell him not to tell.

Snoop was Sampson's buddy cat, I can remember when we first got her and he did his little initiation behind the bed. It was love after that, Sampson and Snoop would be in a ball in one of the chairs or his bed or our bed or daisy's bed. Snoop really misses Sampson and it's sad but at the same time you realize that pet's mourn too even Kimmy who we thought didn't give two hoots about Sampson. Now Kimmy is all the time wanting to sit in Ronnie's lap when she avoided this room completely before. Daisy always respected Sampson and on occasion would sniff butt or give him a kiss. Biggie's saving grace with the group was that he loved Sampson even though he would've knocked him out if he could see. This house misses Sampson our little king with a big mow and even bigger heart. I miss your purr's your mows, your pacing, your needing, and your love Sampson. Rest in peace my little friend.

holidays

There are times when we battle our differences and then there are the holidays. I am thankful for this because in doing so you are able to let things just be for a few days and enjoy the true meaning. Being related can help sometimes, marriage, neighbors or even people in the grocery store, all attempting to reach a common goal. Sometimes we let stress from this or that eat at us till we turn into raging loonies and then we get to our last nerve and decide to let everyone know it. I happen to love gift giving, to me it's like showing appreciation of my love. It probably sounds corny but I could have just watched people open gifts all day Christmas without opening a single one and still would have had the best time. So it's not entirely about the gifts but it's more about appreciating what you have or have had that I believe counts. I feel bad for some people who say they will be happy when or they can't wait for this. I believe it's ok to want but we have to realize one thing, that happiness is here it's right now, this minute and it's in front of your face. We don't need "it" we need "now" for all happiness and I wish this for everyone.