being non verbal most of the time

I hate the fact my father doesn't talk anymore, this has been the hardest for me to accept.  At times it's nice because he doesn't cuss out loud anymore but being able to answer questions would be nice.  This morning my husband got up to use the bathroom at 6ish and heard him banging on the wall, I went in after he told me and I found him on the floor.  Asking him if he's ok is a challenge because he can't really tell you what hurts, he will only shake his head.  So watching him, the way he moves and acts is the best way.  So say goodbye to the yelling or calling out, it is no more.

This guy~

Unpredictable this disease is, one moment your here the next your not.  One moment your daughter is joking with you asking what kind of chinese food he wants and his reply, "up your ass" - the next minute he's trying to put his feet on the back of the bench seats in the van with his seatbelt connected and almost completely on the van floor!

Note to those with family members, 

I constantly assure my dad he's alright and ok, sometimes they (with the disease) get upset and very frusterated with everything and I mean everything from talking to walking and God forbid you ask them while they are trying to consentrate on something because this makes them mad.  When my dad tries to speak and can't get the words out, I always tell him it's ok and wait till he gets a word or hits or pats me on the back and assure them everything is ok.  Even tho it's not, even tho they might be walking around with a depends full of you know what and are attempting to leave the house naked, ALWAYS gently remind them it's ok.  Just because they can't or don't communicate well doesn't mean they don't feel YOUR frusteration, anger, whatever with the disease.  Remember they are suffering, struggling with everything around them every time they open their eyes.  They are asking who is this person? Remind them.  Why am I walking around the house at 3am with no clothes on? Tell them thank you for checking on me that I came home and ask them, "do you want me to go to bed, now?" GIVE THEM A REASON FOR DOING WHAT THEY ARE DOING, BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE A CLUE WHY THEY ARE DOING IT! This reasures and comforts them.  It's like you know when you walk in a room and you forget why your there, come on we've all done that.  Now imagine that you do that with everything, "Why am I looking at the tv, why is that person helping me? what is that food or thing in front of me? what am I supposed to do with that? Then there is the imaginary things that at times during this disease that pop up: Seeing my dad in the kitchen with a butcher knife going to protect my mom from the Afganies? Seeing kittens jump out of boots, seeing people that are'nt there- to be continued.....

every day and there are 365 a year....etc. etc.......

Appreciate all the moments you are given, there is a no refund policy in effect..... Me

Ok so I'm a person with a lot of interests, I'm interested in art, music, other countries, our own economy the many wars we get ourselves into, awareness of things that I like to expose others to, the outdoors, animals, I also am attentionally deficit at times and feel lost with all things that pop into my head.  Like why don't I blog more, too busy living.  I like to watch others and say nothing and then sometimes I do and it's all wrong. I'm human and I have a lot of work to do.  I care about a lot and do nothing about it, makes you feel "help-less" sometimes~ I want to be a better me before I look back and say OOPS! That would be bad, but for the most part I don't see that.  God grant me the serenity to change what I can and accept that which I can not change and the wisdom to know the difference.

Feeling great lately not physically (but I'm working on that one, started exercising again) mentally I feel paings at my heart missing my mom and missing my dad who is here but not the same.  I am sad he misses my mom at the same time I look at that all together differently because it is an honor to do so.  Grieving for another is our God given right as humans, elephants do it do (look it up, if you don't believe me) I am not in pain I am in acceptance.  I regret not having enough of me to have been around more for my grand daughter Angelina.  This brings great pain in my heart.  When I do have her to myself I treasure her presence deeply.  I have my limits, I have to.

My advice for the day~look into the future who do you not see?
Take it how ever you wish..................

just thinking.....................

Ok so this past week, I've had this swine pig flu~Ronnie had it first it is not any fun. But the interesting part is that when your sick you have the opportunity to look at life, relax, reflect and it's not something we usually allow ourselves to do daily.  What's cool also is that you get so bored that you force yourself to plan things and get motivated about doing stuff and when your feeling better you get this burst of energy and get a lot accomplished.  The part that sucks about being sick is that it is very hard to take care of family member that depends 100% on you for everything.  But you can do it or figure out someone to help, in our case the agency we use.  Lately, I am more selfish in taking care of myself & needs.  I have no choice.  Dad is tough as shit, he's the one with the broken collar bone and I'm this whimpy ass!
Start organizing, sorting 15 minutes a day again
Start gardening, cleaning outside 15 minutes a day again
Let's see what happens.
Love to all

sometimes..................

Sometimes ya just gotta roll wit the punches............and then sometimes you gotta fight back~I'm doing neither.  This past week has been interesting and thought provoking at best, you see dad fell Saturday almost a week ago broke his collar bone, Ron & I both got swine flu and dad's kicking our assess! I swear to you the mind has it, if your state of mind is to keep going you'll keep going this guy is almost 86 in like less that 3 weeks and he is as tough as nails!  I mean a broken collar bone is painful and he just keeps going and does his thing.  Makes me think sometimes, do we dwell on our pain too much? Is there an area of the brain that is affected by dementia that doesn't feel it as much? I mean I know that when he has a sore on his foot he can't feel it too bad, but does the dementia help them tolerate better?  Who knows, not me for sure but what I do know is that I'm not worked up about all this because it never helps anyway and sometimes you just get sick or whatever and like my dad used to say you need to slow down.  So we slow down and make some changes and decisions and it's all good.
Been thinking about this mole that has to be excavated or whatever they call it, it was removed then pathology doesn't quite know what it is, April 19 the dermatologist does his thing and wait till I get a call about it.

breathe~

I've had almost a week to do that, resting and healing as well.  I've put a few feelings on the surface, not bad or good just there.  I've learned not to give those too much energy as that doesn't help at all.
It’s me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence.
~Paula Cole
I'm quiet in my head and that is fine. Taking time out to be human in all it's elements is a must in what I deal with daily.  People say turn off work and go to rest mode, well I can't because I only have 5 hours during the week and none on Sundays.  What I can do tho, is simplify my days a little and be a bit nicer to myself.  I am grateful for what I have/not and that I can feel pretty confident that I'm doing the right thing.  I used to feel guilty about taking time out for myself, now I know it's ok.  Will anyone stop me when I'm running? Why should they, on the surface it looks like I can handle it.  Should I blame them, never.