every day and there are 365 a year....etc. etc.......

Appreciate all the moments you are given, there is a no refund policy in effect..... Me

Ok so I'm a person with a lot of interests, I'm interested in art, music, other countries, our own economy the many wars we get ourselves into, awareness of things that I like to expose others to, the outdoors, animals, I also am attentionally deficit at times and feel lost with all things that pop into my head.  Like why don't I blog more, too busy living.  I like to watch others and say nothing and then sometimes I do and it's all wrong. I'm human and I have a lot of work to do.  I care about a lot and do nothing about it, makes you feel "help-less" sometimes~ I want to be a better me before I look back and say OOPS! That would be bad, but for the most part I don't see that.  God grant me the serenity to change what I can and accept that which I can not change and the wisdom to know the difference.

Feeling great lately not physically (but I'm working on that one, started exercising again) mentally I feel paings at my heart missing my mom and missing my dad who is here but not the same.  I am sad he misses my mom at the same time I look at that all together differently because it is an honor to do so.  Grieving for another is our God given right as humans, elephants do it do (look it up, if you don't believe me) I am not in pain I am in acceptance.  I regret not having enough of me to have been around more for my grand daughter Angelina.  This brings great pain in my heart.  When I do have her to myself I treasure her presence deeply.  I have my limits, I have to.

My advice for the day~look into the future who do you not see?
Take it how ever you wish..................

just thinking.....................

Ok so this past week, I've had this swine pig flu~Ronnie had it first it is not any fun. But the interesting part is that when your sick you have the opportunity to look at life, relax, reflect and it's not something we usually allow ourselves to do daily.  What's cool also is that you get so bored that you force yourself to plan things and get motivated about doing stuff and when your feeling better you get this burst of energy and get a lot accomplished.  The part that sucks about being sick is that it is very hard to take care of family member that depends 100% on you for everything.  But you can do it or figure out someone to help, in our case the agency we use.  Lately, I am more selfish in taking care of myself & needs.  I have no choice.  Dad is tough as shit, he's the one with the broken collar bone and I'm this whimpy ass!
Start organizing, sorting 15 minutes a day again
Start gardening, cleaning outside 15 minutes a day again
Let's see what happens.
Love to all

sometimes..................

Sometimes ya just gotta roll wit the punches............and then sometimes you gotta fight back~I'm doing neither.  This past week has been interesting and thought provoking at best, you see dad fell Saturday almost a week ago broke his collar bone, Ron & I both got swine flu and dad's kicking our assess! I swear to you the mind has it, if your state of mind is to keep going you'll keep going this guy is almost 86 in like less that 3 weeks and he is as tough as nails!  I mean a broken collar bone is painful and he just keeps going and does his thing.  Makes me think sometimes, do we dwell on our pain too much? Is there an area of the brain that is affected by dementia that doesn't feel it as much? I mean I know that when he has a sore on his foot he can't feel it too bad, but does the dementia help them tolerate better?  Who knows, not me for sure but what I do know is that I'm not worked up about all this because it never helps anyway and sometimes you just get sick or whatever and like my dad used to say you need to slow down.  So we slow down and make some changes and decisions and it's all good.
Been thinking about this mole that has to be excavated or whatever they call it, it was removed then pathology doesn't quite know what it is, April 19 the dermatologist does his thing and wait till I get a call about it.

breathe~

I've had almost a week to do that, resting and healing as well.  I've put a few feelings on the surface, not bad or good just there.  I've learned not to give those too much energy as that doesn't help at all.
It’s me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence.
~Paula Cole
I'm quiet in my head and that is fine. Taking time out to be human in all it's elements is a must in what I deal with daily.  People say turn off work and go to rest mode, well I can't because I only have 5 hours during the week and none on Sundays.  What I can do tho, is simplify my days a little and be a bit nicer to myself.  I am grateful for what I have/not and that I can feel pretty confident that I'm doing the right thing.  I used to feel guilty about taking time out for myself, now I know it's ok.  Will anyone stop me when I'm running? Why should they, on the surface it looks like I can handle it.  Should I blame them, never.  

WWF | Wildlife Desktop Wallpaper, Wildlife Wallpapers, Panda Desktop Wallpaper | World Wildlife Fund

WWF | Wildlife Desktop Wallpaper, Wildlife Wallpapers, Panda Desktop Wallpaper | World Wildlife Fund

Clinging & Attachment

Ok so in Buddhism you strive to be free from attachment and clinging to.  I've taken care of my father for a few years ago and changes happen so subtle that I don't even notice them.  I mean he is slowly deteriorating before my eyes and when I look at him often it saddens me.  I suffer the loss each and every day, it's like living in reverse sometimes.  Imagine knowing your loved one is getting worse each and every day, there is no cure only death.  I used to hate myself for getting frustrated with him, I realize now that it was stress.  I wish for longer days, I wish my daughter love and hope for her future.  I wish the same for my son to go as far as the sky's limit.  I am thankful I have a husband with such a huge heart, who when my dad attempts to get out of the shower with poop all over him (head to toe sometimes) he will let my dad hit him while I clean him.  If you know anyone like that, keep 'em they are a keeper! I miss my mom everyday, I miss her smell.  I knew when I saw this stupid turkey vulcher on top of the house I knew it was happening.  I am not as sad this week as the last few, I have been practicing and reading/studying more.  I'm clinging more, I'm loosing. The more I cling it doesn't help, it causes suffering for me, how do I not cling to someone I love.  Someone who I loved as a dad, now I love as I care.  It just doesn't make sense sometimes.  I am blessed to have been given this special treasure.......my parents.
Saw some family for the first time in a year, took a look at Ron & I and said we looked really good.  Funny how stress and no sleep can really where you down and your health.  Been sleeping since dad's been at the senior center. In May we decided that we try and help dad reverse his day's and nights issue, he sleeps all day and up all night.  This was ok when he was walking better before he broke his hip in January and lost mom in February and hasn't talked that much since then either.  We used to be able to let him "wander" in the middle of the night to get a snack, look at a magazine drink water.  He would even change his depends, now he just tosses them alongside of his bed and lets it rip.  With going to the senior center all day Monday-Friday we take him at about 11 and pick up at like 5 latest he sleeps all night, as of now.  I honestly don't know how I will physically handle sleep changes again.  In the last year illness's have been: broken hip in January, like a urinary tract infection in April, falling and going to the er for xrays etc, bed sores from sitting on his tailbone, hemroids now (having to call the doctor in the am) a huge one at the rectum.  Not to mention the everlasting foot fungus on the toe nails. Oh and last the diahreha several times a month.
 I want my mom to tell me I'm doing a good job and that she prays for Ron & I every night that we have strength to continue doing what we do and that she wouldn't know what to do with out us.  I miss her words, even the nasty curt ones too.