I am the luckiest girl

I am the luckiest girl in the world. Well yesterday both my parents woke up, both of them in their 80's dad turned 84 yesterday to be exact. Mom got to say happy birthday and fight with him over the newspaper and tell him he was acting like a true --------- and said even on his birthday. They got to fight, they got to wake up another day, what a blessing this must be for them each day. I had this thought as I walked up the stairs and laughed after my mom told on my dad. So we are meeting my daughter Amber, her boyfriend AJ and my grand daughter Angelina at Olive Garden whenever mom is ready. Josh is practicing with his band in S. Florida and Ron is taking Blake to tutoring. Walking past the stairs to the living room dad says as he moves his walker down the step, " Cara, I don't know about this, I got a feeling somethings gonna happen today!" I told him to not jinx us and it's his birthday and we are gonna have a good time and I danced or at least did something that resembled it. Drove to Olive Garden, got dad out of the car in his wheelchair, had mom wait till Amber and crew got there to all walk in together. Mom got out and fell flat on her face, upset bystanders 2 women, my daughter, everyone who was out either stopped and tried to help. AJ and Amber got mom into the car-after having fire department look her over, I drove her to the hospital due to the golf sized knot on her forehead that we were trying to control with ice and swollen knee- all ok just lot's of arthritis on the knee. In the meantime Amber and AJ take dad inside Olive Garden and eat while I take mom to the ER to get checked out. I made sure to explain to Amber she did the right thing by having dad eat on his birthday even though she wanted to be with us. She really showed her heart and future high BP, but she called 911 and gave her all and handled it well for a 25 year old. I am proud. So my husband gets the run down leaving PC and heads to the hospital always assuring me it's no big deal. He has this ability to make me think this and it works very well. Just as I'm bringing mom out he is speaking with AJ and Angelina and my mind is more at ease. I can't figure out how to get everyone home he takes charge and he takes dad, I take mom. We get home he gets dad in bed makes his bed empties his bucket and cleans the kitchen and does the dishes after we eat. Aside from my husband being the most helpful person on earth, he makes me feel like the most beautiful, want to be better and I am because of him. Not many wives can say that. Hopefully I can give him back what he has given me and if not I hope that God sees what a good person he truly is. I don't know many husbands who would give up their sanity to live with their wives elderly parents and put up with it as well as he does. I am truly the luckiest girl in the world.

Now if he could be enticed to stick around for a can of tuna that would be easy.................................................................jk.

motivation and truth

Sometimes I waste hours of my days "looking" or "avoiding" for things to do. Ha, this searching is kind of like trying to find you or maybe avoiding the real you? Too deep, I go sometimes I wonder. So down pat sorta speak I have managed to alter my moods with my fathers laugh or smile. It's funny I like mornings when I wake up early and I veg quietly in front of the laptop and drink my coffee (even though I am not admitting to not feeling well because of it) and listening to my own thoughts or quiet. I used to hate it when my dad would wake up before me and "interrupt" this period of time and so I would allow this thing to overcome me. I read a long time ago in some Buddhist meditation book , pretty sure it was by HH that there is a moment of time a few seconds before we get mad or agitated (one of those emotions) that we have the power to change the reaction to our emotions. Now the first thing that the book explains is that you have to be able to notice the reaction to the emotion first in order to be able to change it and this happens very quickly. So months or maybe a year goes by and I'm still frustrated but hey I'm noticing it right? Wrong, it sucks really because you aren't feeling any better your just seeing the truth of how stupid and selfish you are and that stinks bad! So you notice the moments before the reaction and you allow yourself still to get worked up and mad and still you wonder why people make "you" so miserable, what did you do to them you ask? I am sitting here laughing because once again I wish I had realized this stupidity earlier! So you fight with yourself and say "ugh why am I mad?" But going back further it looks like this:
1- getting frustrated for no reason or maybe there is you just allow Your- self to feel like how dare someone or thing bother me!
2- you start watching your reactions to your emotions or Your-self and still REACT like a idiot- stomping and kicking like a child!
3- you stop and say ok what am I gonna do about this? mostly because your sick and tired of feeling sick and tired
4- you start trying different things- my suggestions of what worked for me-Exercise calms you, finding me time ok here is the thing, people things "interruptions" happen- this me time is NOT being frustrated and putting your headphones on and peddling or meditating outside waiting to calm down and not be frustrated THE ME TIME IS those seconds before you get mad or frustrated and decide to be happy. Ok so I have realized that therapists have it half right, they tell you to go exercise do this do that try this try that do something for yourself. I used to feel annoyed when my I'd be trying to exercise and get interrupted at home or when I was doing something I thought was trying to help, but it doesn't. I am so serious about this it's like I never believed the book but kept reading anyway. Incense works not sure why though, explained to Kim that it's funny when you burn incense to calm down and then when you burn it you automatically feel calm it's kind of like a switch. I highly recommend that!
5- you realize that the book is right and notice your switch happened one day and you notice because I read somewhere that you can choose to be happy-you can choose your reaction- you have choices- it's not everyone else, it's been you all along! I noticed this when I was either sick or moody or in a plain run of the mill stupid assed shitty mood and I most likely hadn't slept either, one morning when waking up and I have my best pissed off face with my best pissed off mood and my stomping or dragging butt must've been a sight of pure idiotness when my dad takes one look at me and laughs and smiles at me! How dare he laugh, how dare he not succumb to my idiotness-stupid assed shitty mood-sleep deprived-moody SELF! Then something happened, I couldn't be mad? Why? Because he took it away! He made the choice not to let me! Argh...................and I decided I felt better. It actually felt better to not feel that way and I felt better making that choice. So now every day I get up grumpy or sleepy and I allow my SELF to be sleepy and my dad laughs and smiles at me and I walk passed him with a groan and a smile and know that it DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THAT WAY anymore.
6- you realize that you read a book and that at sometime everything clicked and your not sure why it did. Maybe it's because you wanted to badly to un-become what didn't work in the past and you were just sick of it. But when it does come you realize what happiness is and where it comes from. Within.
Never realized that when you want something really bad and when you keep working on it you can get to where you want to be eventually.

The choice and what is

Yes I'm on my mission again today about choices. This subject has worn on me a lot lately, but mostly yesterday on information or should I say taking in information. My dad as you know has dementia or what ever his doctor has written down on paper. Since this disease is so complex and confusing it is worth it to sometimes look at books, online resources and come up with answers for some behaviours. My father seems to be more pre-occupied with sex these days than usual and sometimes the moments he chooses and where are not the most appropriate. But what about dementia is appropriate, I mean if you read books on the subject it is called brain damage or changes in the brain as some doctors like to put it. Regardless, the book tells me his behaviours are normal albeit inappropriate to say the least. The light bulb comes on and through reading I discover the best way to help this situation for all is to do the opposite of what I did. I tried to scold him like a child, I apologized for the changes he's had to endure living together, apologized for the fact his wife is not interested in sex, but due to my sanity he had to keep it together. I suck sometimes. Hoping that he's forgotten my assholeidness and not prove catastrophic like the book explains could happen resulting in my actions. My new way is to pretend the behaviour does not exist and as long as he is safe I can just remove myself from his presence or possibly attempt to give him something else to do, (yeah right). So in thinking that I could get additional information based on the fact Alzheimer's is in the name of the website, I travel to the message board in hopes of new and more up to date knowledge. What I find is a bunch of depressed people who only made me depressed and I then choose to not visit that area of the website in the future. I think sometimes it's cathartic to bitch and moan but at the same time you have people who blah, blah, blah I feel so sorry and bad for you, I hope things will get better, maybe you need to change your living situation, blah, blah, blah. Choices, too many negative ones. Put him in a nursing home, how much can you tolerate, you should hear the negativity it's like being on a sinking ship. I feel sorry for the girl who's post got like 30 replies, it's nice people care and all but laugh a little, this is life people. I read a quote that went something like this, "happiness is the dirt beneath your feet". To me that means be happy NOW not later, there is no later, have fun now not tomorrow, be your best now, live for today, my favourite other quote, "Love a person like you could lose them tomorrow. Choices, we have so many. Why not choose to be happy, when I'm sad I feel like I have a hundred pound sack on my back and my legs have 50 lbs weights attached to each. Some days it takes me a little talking to, to get me there but it gets easier the more you make that choice. Believe me, if I can be here and for the 90% part be happy any one can.

truth

Sick to my stomach, I deal with truth, what it is, where does it come from. Sometimes truth or clouds of truth or perceptions of truth are not at all. People saying things that are feelings but not truth and hurtful things that make you think and wonder where truth really lies. " Where truth really lies?" that's funny the way that looks. Looking deep within is very strange and painful at times and calming, beautiful others. Feelings of words that are said to another in opinions of another are painful indeed of clouded truths but what we seek as correct or "right" in your minds eye. The word "I" and "eye" are funny to me as well, "i" have been journaling about since earlier this week. Makes me see things differently- hear me out.

I am talking with a friend discussing food and I explain how somethings are gross that people eat like comparing the show "Bizarre foods" to "Mark and Olly" the people who eat those types of food probably think the same as we do about ours. So I am doing deep research about perception, this by the way is very beneficial to my current situation which requires lot's of POSITIVE PERCEPTION. I capitalize because of the importance and this is the reason for my current happiness, without it could prove disaster. I have to agree with the buddists teachings that it takes meditation and time to reach most truths and that concept in the waiting, watching and pondering all angles of the truth. "the truth, the whole truth and nuttin but the truth" Ha.

Why we ask, when we know, the truth is painful after a while it is not. It just is

"Their", world

Observing. To watch, to learn, to see and try and understand is what observation is to me. Sometimes you observe how you wish to see or hear things other times depending on correct mind state you can observe things the way they are. The truth. Observing the truth cannot be done easily most times you need to be de-tached to the feelings or situation in order to do so. This challenging your thoughts, challenge what you think the mind sees, challenge what you are hearing and seeing that all is good and not deliberate. This to me is what meditation is.

every day and every day and never again this moment.......

Some days you look at a picture and a feeling gets frozen in that shot and it really touches your heart. Yes I'm sure it's attachment which we seem to be driven for the most part in our daily lives, but it's the innocence that is so striking that gets to me most. Children have it, sometimes adults get it when you catch them off guard. Everything is new to a child, their eyes are wide open to everything and everything. Adults have a tendency to look at things more one sided and a bit bias. I think one of the things I cherish most about meditation is that when you do it for a little while you notice that you are more able to see a little more and from different angles. Can we grasp that innocence have we lived to much or thought too much to be able to do so? Can we forgive ourselves enough to do so? In meditation or menditation I like to call it, you have to learn to forgive yourself first, end your own suffering first, a bunch of firsts and new beginnings. I am blessed to have stumbled upon Buddhism for these reasons a lot in part because I am learning how to deal with lots of things differently and most of all the happiness that is everywhere.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama on differences..................

"I come from the East, most of you [here] are Westerners. If I look at you superficially, we are different, and if I put my emphasis on that level, we grow more distant. If I look on you as my own kind, as human beings like myself, with one nose, two eyes, and so forth, then automatically that distance is gone. We are the same human flesh. I want happiness; you also want happiness. From that mutual recognition, we can build respect and real trust of each other. From that can come cooperation and harmony."

-His Holiness the Dalai Lama