sampson 198?-2008 our little buddy

I've probably put this to the back of my mind for many reasons. We speak of attachments to things and people but rarely our pets. We are attached because they are more than just a pet to us. We get mad at them, take them for granted but love them alot differently than humans. When you truly love a pet you don't think about how important, stupid, ugly, tired, meaningless, selfish you are. You just love. You don't get a car, you don't get an atta girl, you don't get money, you don't get anything except love back from an animal when you love them. When you loose them you loose that special love. As I try and be supportive to my husband who has loved Sampson twice as long as me, I can't help but appreciate this. I am sorry I waited so long to say goodbye to my friend of almost 10 years. Most of the 10 years I've known him he was blind due to cataracts but the most fascinating thing was that he could always find his way around, even upstairs especially to find his best friend Ronnie. I can't stand to look down and not see him being held by Ronnie or hearing his mows or even getting mad at him for peeing so much. Ronnie would get so mad at him, all he wanted was up down from his lap and then Sampson would just sit with his nose barely touching Ronnie's leg, just to let him know he was there. Ronnie would always give in. Sampson loved to be held and Ronnie loved to hold Sampson. They were there for eachother, Sampson couldn't see and Ronnie had his buddy. Any time Ronnie was sad about missing his mom, I would pick Sampson up and put him in his lap.

I can't remember how many times I fell asleep with that cat in my arms, no matter what kind of shitty day you had you could hold Sampson and feel better in minutes. Sometimes you didn't even know how he ended up in your lap and you would try and figure it out and never would. My mom is 83, has always hated cat's all of them, they would make her dog's run and cause her to fall down or make her dogs bark and kill birds. When my mom was staying with us while my dad was in the hospital, she was lonely. Sampson would find his way to her lap and comfort her and keep her company. He did this till my dad came home and my mom will still tell you that Sampson is the 1st cat she ever loved. Ronnies mom used to feed Sampson his dad's lunch meat and tell him not to tell.

Snoop was Sampson's buddy cat, I can remember when we first got her and he did his little initiation behind the bed. It was love after that, Sampson and Snoop would be in a ball in one of the chairs or his bed or our bed or daisy's bed. Snoop really misses Sampson and it's sad but at the same time you realize that pet's mourn too even Kimmy who we thought didn't give two hoots about Sampson. Now Kimmy is all the time wanting to sit in Ronnie's lap when she avoided this room completely before. Daisy always respected Sampson and on occasion would sniff butt or give him a kiss. Biggie's saving grace with the group was that he loved Sampson even though he would've knocked him out if he could see. This house misses Sampson our little king with a big mow and even bigger heart. I miss your purr's your mows, your pacing, your needing, and your love Sampson. Rest in peace my little friend.

holidays

There are times when we battle our differences and then there are the holidays. I am thankful for this because in doing so you are able to let things just be for a few days and enjoy the true meaning. Being related can help sometimes, marriage, neighbors or even people in the grocery store, all attempting to reach a common goal. Sometimes we let stress from this or that eat at us till we turn into raging loonies and then we get to our last nerve and decide to let everyone know it. I happen to love gift giving, to me it's like showing appreciation of my love. It probably sounds corny but I could have just watched people open gifts all day Christmas without opening a single one and still would have had the best time. So it's not entirely about the gifts but it's more about appreciating what you have or have had that I believe counts. I feel bad for some people who say they will be happy when or they can't wait for this. I believe it's ok to want but we have to realize one thing, that happiness is here it's right now, this minute and it's in front of your face. We don't need "it" we need "now" for all happiness and I wish this for everyone.

Now

A lot of my time is spent pulling my mind from everywhere else and bringing it back to earth. This is no easy task for me because I have lived most my young life thinking ahead and backwards. It's kinda funny when you say it like that because when you think about the past it is backwards thinking, if you think about it. Living with myself and liking me with some kind of acceptance a big part is because I'm with someone who allows me to be me which in turn helps me grow as a person. I wish someone would have told me along time ago (maybe they did, but I didn't listen) to slow down and appreciate all for what it is. We can live to our standards, someone elses, a big statue, whatever, but I think what's most important that we don't need to prove it really. I'm getting to that point that proving anything doesn't matter, and trying to get to the point that I don't need to say it either. This ego we seem to have doesn't serve us well at all if you really think about it. Really it's kinda like boasting that your the best at something, well your not the best at all things it's impossible right? The ego get's in the way of the good parts of life, the teaching and unconditional learning that is only achieved by giving up your ego. We can be %1000 percent right about something and if you persue this "fact" then you are %1000 percent wrong about living your life in a harmonious way.

being thankful

Opening my inbox yesterday I recieved a daily buddha message that went as follows:
Let us rise up and be thankful,
for if we didn’t learn a lot today,
at least we learned a little,
and if we didn’t learn a little,
at least we didn’t get sick,
and if we got sick,
at least we didn’t die;
so, let us be thankful.

-The Buddha

Most of the time I'm preoccupied and have a bit of trouble focusing on these things but today it kinda smacked me in the face. Ron and I took dad to get a flue shot, being that it was 3pm and he was tired getting him into the car he says, "Hey that guy had a bear cub in his car," I kinda went along with it because as I'm finding out sometimes you have to go with it others you have to derail sorta speak. Dad also said he doesn't know what he's gettin himself into with that cub, he's gonna be big someday, I told dad if the guy didn't get rid of him soon his mom will prob. come looking for him and eat the guy! I asked dad if maybe that flue shot was knocking him out, he said yeah and that he felt it! Earlier in the week not so lucky, dad woke up from a long nap before dinner and I could tell by what he said that he was really in a deep sleep. Mom was kinda concerned because dad asked her when they were gonna meet up with Marion and Chris. My aunt Marion passed close to 20yrs ago and the family assumes Chris either has or made someone elses family misereable. So I just said to dad, "Boy you mustve sleep really hard and been dreamin", it's just better with some things to use either method, because for as long as I can I don't want him to have doubts.

Sometimes we have to be thankful that our thoughts and others reactions are the same even if they come from different places.

Words

Words: are sounds put together in a language that have a meaning to that group of people that use that language. Well that's my definition, ask an english teacher and it may not be correct. Mom turned 82 on Monday, September 15th, 2008 this is a big milestone for some who actually make it to that age. My grand daughter, Angelina almost four has started to come up with some great word usage these days and going out to lunch with the family to celebrate this milestone was no exception. I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up, she answered, "Nana, I'm gonna be four and be a big girl!" Josh is having a great time teasing this poor child every chance he get's, telling her she has something on her nose and it's not there. Too funny. The day out was fun my daughter Amber had a blast in watching Angelina (her daughter) get all the attention. Dad said the "F" word when he got mad at me 3 x's about a food related issue and mind you it's always said with emphasis. Mom dropped the "F" bomb too shortly after when she was supposedly correcting my dad, all said quite loudly ofcourse. Last but not least, Angelina calls me the other night to tell me where babies come from, "where", I ask, "From the baby shop!" she tells me.

Looking back on the other day, thinking about how Angelina was twirling in the restuarant telling Ron, "wait, don't take my picture yet!" Being that age she is blessed to not have a recall of hurtful or shaping of what people say, unless most likely her mom. Our minds are not as advanced as we think, we get mad or happy and say things that we think should be either emphasized or lightly said. This doesn't matter at all or shouldn't they are just words, sounds put together. Myself, I prefer the twirling and the carefree look of a childs face that doesn't care just is showing her happiness from the inside out.

Before I forget (pic of Angelina too!)

Backing it up a few weeks, July 21st to be exact. Mom has a melanoma the size of a quarter which is around a centimeter, the plastic surgeon has to make sure he get's all of it by taking 3 centimeter's the size of a small orange cut in half. We get through surgery, Dad doesn't know because I want him to be ok and let mom sleep and he get some too. Bring mom home she's in a wheelchair, remember dad is in a wheelchair/walker a good percentage each. I had our caretaker Mary still come by on this Monday to help with dad, so that I can take care of mom. Thank God for my husband Ron he reminds me to be patient all the while in the next coming weeks, he helps more than he ever knows. Later that evening Dad comes in for dinner and says, "Hi Mama" and doesn't mention Mom in a wheel chair the entire evening even though they are sitting less than 3 feet away. Dad goes to bed his usual time 8pm says good night to mom and off he goes. Remember my dad has dementia/Alzheimer's. My son just happened to move out approx 1 week before mom's diagnosis, Ron, Josh and I clean out his room and get it ready for Mom. We order a hospital bed, wheel chair and get a new tv and the basics lamp, etc to make her comfortable. So mom is now situated for the night with pain killer, anti nausea and antibiotics it's 11:30 I'm sleepy so off to bed I go. Ron and I are in cuddle mode discussing the day, when the motion sensor goes off in dad's hallway. I go down the stairs and dad has a confused look on his face, so I ask him if he's ok? "Why is Mama in a wheel chair?" , he asks. I tell him about the surgery and why and so he starts to turn around, he walks a few feet towards his room and then turns around again and asks me with sad eyes and tears streaming down his face, "I was no good to her, it's my fault, I was no good to her". So I tell him let's go and see Mom and go and sit with her, he doesn't want to but I make him. So in her room he goes with a t shirt and depends and socks on into Moms temp/room and they watch Sex in the City and Reno 911 till 1 am. Dad cries when he see's her but she's all doped up but she consoles him anyway and tells him she is ok and asks dad, "Do you want me to kick the doctor in the balls?" The end of August, Mom get's released from the plastic surgeon and back (for the most part) she is back to her old wanna go everywhere self again. And each day I thank God that she is exactly that way.

The game of Life

Have you ever wondered what would life be if we knew then what we know now? Would we go to the beach, get in our cars, eat sushi, didn't sit and waste time playing a stupid game? Life is full of consiquences, sometimes you know, sometimes not. Mom get's to retire with dad in Florida, helps him get better goes to the beach, gets skin cancer? But what if she knew what would or could happen? Who knows? I think she loved the beach as much as I do now maybe more? She got to go through the Panama Canal and see that magnificient creation even though you could fry an egg on the deck of the ship and dad slept right through it. What if I had moved a long time ago and never been here to see my mom through this? My husband asks, what if they were still living alone?

My mom came through this with high flying colors, even though she a month after her removal of her melanoma had to have something taking off her face also.

What gives some people that strength to go on to make it while some others wait to give up or worse don't appreciate what they have.