to grieve or not to grieve that is the question

ha ha, I kid you have no choice in the matter. You are suddenly relieved of your duties of caregiving your father whom you loved dearly and now you are released and set free.  Set free from this every day fight and struggle and pain and sadness and miracle and suffering. Released and relieved.  Just done, over finished , all over. The pain is gone. The pain is gone for my father and began with me in April when he passed, I love to take care of give support and do things I hope are right and fight for those who are wronged.  I love that, I love putting my soul into something making people feel they matter and help them be strong.  I dislike not having routine, I've found out. I get antsy when theres no plan. Ronnies been helping me and discusses the days before, "So whats next weeks plans?" He always tries to help, he's made me a better human being. To think of all the guilt I'd have if I didn't spend all my last 10 years taking care of my dad.  I am blessed, I am happy but I am out of routine and I guess thats what I need to work on a little.  Today Tiffany our stepdaughter turns 19, she lost her mom almost a year ago.  Happy Birthday Tiffany!
Ok so you're grieving or not and plug along at your life and start noticing a few changes. Some mornings I'm more depressed or less motivated than others~ seeing my kids all of them grand daughter too, all make me happy. I am recognizing my triggers hopefully.

our last 2 weeks together

The end of March, the night before you ate and drank ok. This morning I went to check on you and found you had thrown up some mysterious color, hematemesis they call it.  It looked like blood with coffee grounds in it.  I call the nurse, thankfully dad's cna is here early the one who bathes him through hospice.  As I call the nurse he projectile vomits again, this time it comes out his nose as well.  The nurse comes and she can not identify or say positively what the vomit is.  I tell her, he did it a few months ago projectile again same color.  The after hours nurse comes to admit him to the floor, she anticipates he has 10 days and he looks very different from the last time she saw him. All day I cut off fluids and food and we have him go to the hospice floor at the hospital to monitor him and keep his nausea down.  Over the weekend he doesn't throw up again.  That Sunday we visit on the hospice floor with the kids, we attempted to get him to eat only small amounts wondering if he'll rebound again this time.  In reminiscing with the kids (Amber, Josh & Angelina) I glance and see something out of the corner of my eye. Its a blue ish shadow over my father.  To me it appears as if an angel is over him, I shake my head and tell my daughter I saw something.  I decide to take him home Monday either way, if this is his end I want him at home not in some cold dreary place with no one.  That Monday he comes home, my CNA Ericka is upset with me because I didn't call her. It was her birthday weekend.  We get him home he eats yogurt and some smoothie and drinks well.  His regular nurse comes Tuesday and really doesn't see too much difference in him. I called the funeral home trying to figure out whats needed for him to get his honorable veterans send off, they say I need a dd214, I looked everywhere. Nothing.  I finally look in moms old desk and find what I need, I also find two little bibles the size of my hand from 1932.  One was my uncle Hugh's and the other was my mom's after she was baptized.  Wednesday comes and he's too weak to drink from a straw, yet swallow.  Friday is a week no fluids or food, his CNA comes to bathe him. Ericka our CNA has stayed 24 hours shifts since Monday night.  We've spent the last week reminiscing our lives together, yesterday April 2 I turned 49.  I ask him not to leave me just yet. Saturday we reminisce, I have the kids say their good byes.  Josh my son says he looks scared as he was of dying.  We read scriptures from the bible online, when I remember the hand sized bibles in the desk.  
My father never believed in being extremely harsh with me, when it came time to discipline me. I was around 12-13 years old and my dad took me to a softball field and an older gentleman came and started talking to him.  My dad explained I wasn't the best behaved young lady etc etc, the older gentleman looks at me and says, "remember to always, honor you mother and your father".  I'm 12 or 13, I don't want to hear anything but my dad takes that and reminds me at least yearly, "remember what that older gentleman said to you" Yes dad.  
So I open the bible and at this point in someones passing a lot of spiritual things happen and I look for maybe something is marked off somewhere giving me guidance or telling me something.  The exact page is marked off with a very old newspaper corner stuck in to mark the page.  A picture of an indian man with the title "the water carrier" St. Mathew 13. I keep reading till I start to get all choked up to St. Mathew 15 "Then came to Jesus Scribes and Pharisees, which were of Jerusalem saying.  Why do thy desciples transgress the tradition of the elders?  I froze in disbelief.  The following was read to my father by me.

4For God commanded, saying, Honour thy father and mother, and, He that curses father or mother, let him die without recourse.5But ye say, Whosoever shall say to his father or his mother, Whatever I might have helped thee with is already my offering unto God,6and now has no need to honour his father or his mother with succour. Thus ye have made the commandment of God of no effect by your tradition.7Ye hypocrites, well did Isaiah prophesy of you, saying,8This people draws nigh unto me with their mouth and honours me with their lips, but their heart is far from me.9But in vain do they worship me, teaching doctrines and commandments of men.

10And calling the multitude unto him, he said unto them, Hear and understand:11not that which goes into the mouth defiles the man; but that which comes out of the mouth, this defiles the man.12Then his disciples came and said unto him, Knowest thou that the Pharisees were offended when they heard this word?13But he answered and said, Every plant which my heavenly Father has not planted shall be rooted up.14Let them alone; they are blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into a pit.15Then Peter answered and said unto him, Declare unto us this parable.16And Jesus said, Are ye also yet without understanding?17Do not ye yet understand that whatever enters in at the mouth goes into the belly and is cast out into the draught?18But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart, and they defile the man.19For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies:20these are the things which defile the man, but to eat with unwashed hands does not defile the man.

21Then Jesus left there and departed into the parts of Tyre and Sidon.22And, behold, a woman of Canaan having come out of the same borders cried unto him, saying, Lord, Son of David, have mercy on me; my daughter is sick, possessed by a demon.23But he answered her not a word. And his disciples came and besought him, saying, Send her away, for she cries out after us.24But he answered and said, I am not sent but unto the lost sheep of the house of Israel.25Then she came and worshipped him, saying, Lord, help me.26But he answered and said, It is not good to take the children’s bread and to cast it to the little dogs.27And she said, Yes, Lord, yet the little dogs eat of the crumbs which fall from their masters’ table.28Then Jesus answered and said unto her, O woman, great is thy faith; be it unto thee even as thou desire. And her daughter was made whole from that very hour.

29And Jesus left there and came nigh unto the sea of Galilee and went up into the mountain and sat down there.30And many people came unto him, having with them those that were lame, blind, dumb, maimed, and many other sick and cast them down at Jesus’ feet; and he healed them,31insomuch that the multitude wondered when they saw the dumb to speak, the maimed to be whole, the lame to walk, and the blind to see, and they glorified the God of Israel.32Then Jesus called his disciples unto him and said, I have mercy on the multitude because they persevere with me now three days and have nothing to eat, and I desire not to send them away fasting lest they faint in the way.33Then his disciples say unto him, From where do we have so much bread in the wilderness as to satisfy so great a multitude?34And Jesus said unto them, How many loaves have ye? And they said, Seven and a few little fishes.35And he commanded the multitude to sit down on the ground.36And he took the seven loaves and the fishes and gave thanks and broke them and gave to his disciples, and the disciples to the multitude.37And they all ate and were filled, and they took up of the broken food that was left seven baskets full.38And those that ate were four thousand men besides women and children.39And he sent away the multitude and took ship and came into the borders of Magdala.

I don't go to church, I am spiritual in most ways and can feel things. My father was happy to hear these prayers, we also sang.  Saturday that night I fell asleep lying in bed next to him, Ericka trying not to stare said he watched me sleep. It has been 8 days without proper nourishment.  Sunday we don't celebrate Easter, this past week I never left the house, ordered more fast food and take out than ever in the last 10 years.  We are all exhausted, I don't sleep in bed with my husband .  Amber shows up all different hours.  We reminisce until we just start talking about God knows what, Ericka and I.  I have a lot of heart to heart talks with Ericka and Amber my daughter.  This is a picture of Snoop, she's on my dads bed in this photo. 

Snoop is weird kitty, or typical kitty. She doesn't like to be coddled, unless she chooses to. She curls up in my dads chair down by his legs or up by his head. She has comforted him for the last 3-4 years, she loves Kathy and Ericka and has been sick a few days.  It just so happens a few days before my dad gets sick, I notice how much weight she's lost so I take her into the vet the day before this all happens.  So they call me Friday the day of my dads "event" as hospice likes to call it and tell me they want Snoop to come and get some fluids a couple of shots. B12 & a two week antibiotic as her mouth is ulcered and we think its her teeth possibly.  As dad worsens she has a mission to comfort dad, day and night.  She wants to lay by his head but is ok with laying down by his feet.  Over the weekend she eats periodically for strength , its obvious now she had a mission.

The pain in my stomach from sadness caused nauseousness till I almost threw up.  I remember a picture of you coming home from the senior center a few days before mothers day and you had a flower potted with pretty pink flowers.  You were so proud of them, you could not speak but I saw it in your eyes.

Kathy his caregiver of three years bringing him home from the senior center.

advocate & keeping eyes wide open

Ok so Becky has been transferred to a physical rehab /nursing home facility to get stronger so she doesn't hurt herself at home.  She spent a week in a half in the hospital and will do 20 days in rehab, what a coinsidence it is that medicaid pays for like 30 days a period for nursing/hospital visits.  NOT! They say at the facility that maybe she can go home in 1-2 weeks, I would bet a thousand bucks she stays the full 20 days.  All about money.  Anyway upon her arrival she's carted around like a piece of crap and gets a room, we hang out, the remote doesn't work, they finally bring her dinner and she looks at it with an ugh.  Most likely won't eat it, thank God her dad was there to see this so he can be prepared  for other meals.  Yesterday, her dad brought her breakfast and dinner.  I asked the nurse if she had any falls and ofcourse with such convincing tone "NO FALLS!" bahahaha, I later ask Becky about it and yes she fell and hurt her knee~later I'll take a picture.  Later today after bringing dad to the senior center and me with an appointment, we will bring a wheelchair and request a bed alarm and fall matt because  we didn't see anything on Saturday.  FACILITIES ALL SUCK, cna's I'm sorry have it the worst.  Bringing breakfast in yesterday the cna put it on her tray,  she looked at it and said ,"I'm not eating that." and the cna just looked at her.  Becky sounded less drugged or loopy yesterday, knew who I was.

Paperwork and Advocacy

I've been away for awhile, determined like never before.  My husbands exwife has been battling stage 4 colon cancer since May 2010.  For 4 1/2 years I've seen her fight, I've shared tears and attempted to help whenever I can.  She's lost 60 lbs this year, she's on malinol (sp) which is a chemical mimicked to increase appetite from cannabis.  She has been prescribed this for the past year with dizziness so hasn't really taken it, but she is also prescribe morphine and pain killers which she does take.  In the past month this is the second time admitted, first they had her on dilauded which made her aggressive
now just the malinol, morphine and pain killers.  She's as the doctors say loopy, GOD forbid they say confused because then they wouldn't be able to have her agree to treatment with out a health care proxy.  What I am telling anyone who reads this is that you must have a voice for you or your loved one who is heard loud and clear, an advocate.  I can not tell you how important this is, she's been in the hospital 8 days now with no physical therapy, but now they want to in a few days send her to a rehab facility.  Frustrating.  In speaking to one of her doctors he was kinda shocked they didn't start that either, so in his notes it went.  So your going to suggest this but your not going to start it ?  I questioned the doctor in regards to the malinol making her loopy, they would rather her be loopy than
combative which she was on Saturday towards her children  now ages 17 & 21.  I call the case worker at the hospital get the brush off because I am stepmom, regardless if I try to advocate for her.  I mention to the nurse to get her out of bed and into a chair, nope but they try.  Her father and stepmom just sit and wait and let the doctors and staff make decisions and do not know any better than to leave it up to them.  The father is quite sad as we all are, but it's his daughter and he doesn't want to see her in pain no matter how "loopy" she is.  She doesn't call her kids and doesn't even know her daughter is out on summer break, this is not like her. This is not loopy this is confused.  I know I was never in control, but damn it I hurt because I am the new wife of her ex and that is how I am looked at.  No power of attny, no will and all we do is wait.
REASONS FOR HAVING PROPER PAPERWORK IN PLACE AHEAD OF TIME AND WHY A FAMILY ADVOCATE IS ALWAYS NEEDED
family member incoherent and can't make decisions on his/her behalf
the hospital will send them to a facility with the first available bed and it's most likely SHIT
the hospital may sit on their asses while your family member gets worse unless you know how they usually act
they won't make sure they are bathed or fed~ I can't tell you how many times in a nursing home or hospital my dad was neither
bills can't be paid financial decisions, etc

The Last Gift | Tricycle

Ajahn Chah recorded the following talk at the request of one of his students, whose mother was on her deathbed. The student had expected no more than a few words for his mother, but instead Ajahn Chah offered an extended message of consolation, encouragement, and meditation instruction for the mother and the whole family.

Now, Grandma, set your heart on listening respectfully to the dhamma, which is the teaching of the Buddha. While I'm teaching you the dhamma, be as attentive as if the Buddha himself were sitting right in front of you. Close your eyes and set your heart on making your mind one. Bring the Buddha, Dhamma, and Sangha into your heart as a way of showing the Buddha respect.

Today I haven't brought you a gift of any substance, aside from the dhamma of the Buddha. This is my last gift to you, so please accept it.

You should understand that even the Buddha—with all his virtues and perfections—couldn't avoid the weakening that comes with aging. When he reached the age you are, he let go. He let go of the fabrications of life.

"Letting go" means that he put these things down. Don't carry them around. Don't weigh yourself down. Accept the truth about the fabrications of the body, whatever they may be: You've relied on them since you were born, but now it's enough. Now that they're old, they're like the utensils in your home—the cups, the saucers, and the plates—that you've held onto all these years. When you first got them they were bright and clean, but now they're wearing out. Some of them are broken, some of them are lost, while the ones remaining have all changed. They haven't stayed the same. That's just the way things are.

The same holds true with the parts of your body. From the time of birth and on through your childhood and youth, they kept changing. Now they're called "old." So accept the fact. The Buddha taught that fabrications aren't us, they aren't ours, whether they're inside the body or out. They keep changing in this way. Contemplate this until it's clear.

You've been alive for a long time now, haven't you? Your eyes have had the chance to see all kinds of shapes, colors, and lights. The same with your other senses. Your ears have heard lots of sounds, all kinds of sounds—but they were no big deal. You've tasted really delicious foods—but they were no big deal. The beautiful things you've seen: they were no big deal. The ugly things you've seen: they were no big deal. The alluring things you've heard were no big deal. The ugly and offensive things you've heard were no big deal.

The Buddha thus taught that whether you're rich or poor, a child or an adult—even if you're an animal or anyone born in this world—there's nothing in this world that's lasting. Everything has to change in line with its condition. The truth of these conditions—if you try to fix them in a way that's not right— won't respond at all. But there is a way to fix things. The Buddha taught us to contemplate this body and mind to see that they aren't us, they aren't ours, they're just suppositions.

For example, this house of yours: It's only a supposition that it's yours. You can't take it with you. All the belongings that you suppose to be yours are just an affair of supposition. They stay right where they are. You can't take them with you. The children and grandchildren that you suppose to be yours are just an affair of supposition. They stay right where they are.

And this isn't just true for you. This is the way things are all over the world. Even the Buddha was this way. Even his enlightened disciples were this way. But they differed from us. In what way did they differ? They accepted this. They accepted the fact that the fabrications of the body are this way by their very nature. They can't be any other way.

This is why the Buddha taught us to contemplate this body from the soles of the feet on up to the top of the head, and from the top of the head on down to the soles of the feet. These are the parts of your body. So look to see what all is there. Is there anything clean? Anything of any substance? These things keep wearing down with time. The Buddha taught us to see that these fabrications aren't us. They aren't ours. They're just the way they are. What other way would you have them be? If you're suffering from this, then your thinking is wrong. When things are right but you see them wrong, it throws an obstacle across your heart.

The Buddha looked at things in line with their conditions, that they simply have to be that way. So we let them go, we leave them be. Take your awareness as your refuge. Meditate on the word buddho, buddho [the Pali term for "awake"]. Even though you're really tired, put your mind with the breath. Take a good long out-breath. Take a good long in-breath. Take another good long out-breath. Focus your mind again if you wander off. Focus on the breath:buddho, buddho.

The more tired you feel, the more refined your focus on the breath must be every time. Why? So that you can contend with pain. When you feel tired, stop all your thoughts. Don't think of anything at all. Focus the mind in at the mind, and then keep the mind with the breath: buddho,buddho. Let go of everything outside. Don't get fastened on your children. Don't get fastened on your grandchildren. Don't get fastened on anything at all. Let go. Let the mind be one. Just be aware at the breath. You don't have to be aware of anything else. Keep making your awareness more and more refined until it feels very small but extremely awake. 

The pains that have arisen will gradually grow calm. Ultimately, we watch the breath in the same way that, when relatives have come to visit us, we see them off at the boat dock or the bus station. Once the motor starts, the boat goes whizzing right off. We watch them until they're gone, and then we return to our home.

We watch the breath in the same way. We get acquainted with coarse breathing. We get acquainted with refined breathing. As the breathing gets more and more refined, we see it off. It gets smaller and smaller, but we make our mind more and more awake. We keep watching the breath get more and more refined until there's no more breath. There's just awareness, wide awake.

Let go of everything, leaving just this singular awareness. But don't get deluded, okay? Don't lose track. If a vision or a voice arises in the mind, let it go. Leave it be. You don't need to take hold of anything at all. Just take hold of the awareness. Don't worry about the future; don't worry about the past. Stay right here. Ultimately you get so that you can't say that you're going forward, you can't say that you're going back, you can't say that you're staying in place. There's nothing to be attached to. Why? Because there's no self there, no you, no yours. It's all gone.

This is your duty right now, yours alone. Try to enter into the dhamma in this way. This is the path for gaining release from the round of wandering-on. Try to let go, to understand, to set your heart on investigating this.

Don't be worried about this person or that. Your children, your grandchildren, your relatives, everybody: Don't be worried about them. Right now they're fine. In the future they'll be just like this, like you are right now. Nobody stays on in this world. That's the way it has to be. This is a condition, a truth, that the Buddha taught.

If any preoccupation comes in to bother the mind, just say in your heart, "Leave me alone. Don't bother me. You're no affair of mine." If any critical thoughts come up—fear for your life, fear that you'll die, thinking of this person, thinking of that person—just say in your heart, "Don't bother me. You're no affair of mine."

What's the world? The world is any preoccupation that gets you stirred up, that disturbs you right now. "How is that person going to be? How is this person going to be? When I die, will anyone look after them?" All of this is the world. Whatever we think up—fear of death, fear of aging, fear of illness, whatever the fear—it's all world. Drop the world—it's just world. That's the way the world is. If it arises in the mind, make yourself understand: The world is nothing but a preoccupation. Preoccupations obscure the mind so that it can't see itself.

If you think that you'd like to keep on living a long time, it makes you suffer. If you think that you'd like to die right now and get it all over with, that's not the right way either, you know. It makes you suffer, too, because fabrications aren't yours. You can fix them up a little bit, as when you fix up the body to make it look pretty or clean. That's the way it is with fabrications. The only thing you can fix is your heart and mind.

This house you're living in: You and your husband built it. Other people can build houses, too, making them large and lovely. Those are outer homes, which anyone can build. The Buddha called them outer homes, not your real home. They're homes only in name.

Homes in the world have to fall in line with the way of the world. Some of us forget. We get a big home and enjoy living in it, but we forget our real home. Where is our real home? It's in the sense of peace. Our real home is peace.

This home you live in here—and this applies to every home—is lovely, but it's not very peaceful. First this, then that; you're worried about this, you're worried about that. This isn't your real home. It's not your inner home. It's an outer home. Someday soon you'll have to leave it. You won't be able to live here anymore. It's a worldly home, not yours.

So you have to understand that everybody, all the way down to ants and termites and all the other little animals, is trying to run away. There's no one who can stay here. Living things stay for a while and then they all go: rich people, poor people, children, old people, even animals. They all keep changing.

When you sense that the world is like this, you see that it's disenchanting. There's nothing that's really you or yours. You're disenchanted—nibbida. Disenchantment isn't disgust, you know. It's just the heart sobering up. The heart has seen the truth of the way things are: There's no way you can fix them. They're just the way they are. You let them go. You let go without gladness. You let go without sadness. You just let things go as fabrications, seeing with your own discernment that that's the way fabrications are.

The important point is that the Buddha has us build a home for ourselves, to build a home in the way I've described to you. Build a home so you can let go, so that you can leave things be. Let the mind reach peace. Peace is something that doesn't move forward, doesn't move back, doesn't stay in place. It's peace in that it's free from going forward, free from moving back, free from staying in place.

Pleasure isn't a place for you to stay. Pain isn't a place for you to stay. Pain wears away. Pleasure wears away. Our foremost Teacher said that all fabrications are inconstant. So when we reach this last stage in life, he tells us to let go and leave things be. We can't take them with us. We'll have to let them go anyhow, so wouldn't it be better to let them go beforehand? If we carry them around, they weigh us down. When we sense that they weigh us down, we won't carry them around. Let your children and grandchildren look after you, while you can rest at your ease.

Today I've brought you some dhamma as a gift in your time of illness. I don't have any other gift to give. There's no need to bring you any material gift, for you have plenty of material things in your house, and over time they just cause you difficulties. So I've brought you some dhamma, something of substance that will never run out. Now that you've heard this dhamma, you can pass it on to any number of other people, and it'll never run out. It'll never stop. It's the truth of the dhamma, a truth that always stays as it is.

Venerable Ajahn Chah Subhaddo (1918–1992), a teacher in the Thai forest tradition, founded several monasteries, including Wat Pah Nanachat in Thailand and Cittaviveka in England. This talk is reprinted with permission of the Sangha at Wat Pah Nanachat, Ubon Rajathani, Thailand and Abhayagiri Buddhist Monastery, Redwood Valley, California. Translated from the Thai by Thanissaro Bhikkhu. This is an abridged version; to read the talk in its entirety, visit accesstoinsight.org.

Image: Faro-8, Algarve, Portugal, 2010. From the seriesStill Life: Between the Living and the Dead by Robert Richfield/ Alan Klotz gallery NYC.

http://www.tricycle.com/special-section/last-gift

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(¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ All as one......Cara

the last orange on the tree.................

The orange is growing the others fell off most likely because they weren't strong enough so day after day I watch this orange grow bigger and bigger.  I was thinking about something my husband said last night about us complaining about the new hospice our trials and tribulations etc.  "It's not his fault, he didn't ask for this disease." my husband says.  "If he goes tomorrow, then what~he's gone" he added.  This really struck a cord with me because for the last week since we switched hospice, I've been swirling to make sure he gets the care and everything he needed.  Tired I was, until last night and was reminded that this could all be over in a blink of an eye.  I cherish every moment with him, every bowel movement, every laugh, every meal.  I didn't always.  We dance at the stupidest things or at least I do he watches me most likely thinking how crazy I am.

Fathers day is a few days away and I want to list a few cool facts about my dad.
Lied about his age to get into the service to take care of his mother and sister.
Worked a couple of jobs till his brother found him a job with the city.
Charmed the socks (literally) off my mom and then my gramma mommzi
I can count on one hand how many times he was truly upset with me
Never ever let me out of his sight when he thought I might be in danger or trouble
Held a friend back so I could deck her (I sorta feel bad about this one still today)
Took care of his grand children like they were little precious gems.
Always there to talk to, always had something to say, always had a gentle ear
Always gave the right advice even if I didn't think so.
As I look into his eyes today, I am not sure if he will make it another Fathers Day and this makes me sad.  Everyday as I do things for him no matter what I try and be positive and cheerful because that is
what he always gave to me.  Always.

He is the last orange on the tree.

awareness and attitude

To date, I or I should say my husband and I have been caring for my dad since 2005 when he first broke his hip.  I have cried, puked, been sick to my stomach, wanted to run away, wanted to put him in a nursing home, felt elated, amazed that someone could change (me) felt attachment and observed my own, felt honored and blessed.

When you first get into something like this, you feel like the end is never coming.  You don't know how long a person will be around and days and years sometimes feel like decades.  I did not appreciate my circumstance for a long time, this evolved.  After  suffering for a few years with my frustration and his I was forced into seeing this situation as a comical blessed look at life.  My thoughts have always been all over the place and I realize that with maturity sometimes we can slow them down to appreciate our present.  But I never imagined in my wildest dreams to be able to slow down life a bit and laugh at the same time.  I am so lucky to have been able to cross paths with Buddhism to bring me back to earth.    It's funny how out of misery you can actually change, but I'm just guessing here that is usually the way it works.  This made me realize that if I changed the way I saw one single situation I could change my views on a lot of other things.  I don't believe in narrow minded thinking as much anymore, I question a lot lately.

Dad no longer transfers from a chair or the bed with assistance, he is 100% full body transfer.  He no longer speaks to me or shakes his head .  The last words he said was Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas and only to his nephew Anthony. I can still get him to laugh which is easiest when he's laying in bed (not sure why) and he still allows me to feed him and give him drink.  Sleeping is increased and it is harder to wake him up.  When I was angry and scared at these changes when they were gradual I immediately noticed my attachment getting stronger.  In the beginning every day was a week now every week is a second.  Every day is a gift.  Being with him now has definitely helped me with healing over mom's passing and as I've said in the past I've mourned my old dad but periodically life's special moments from the past pop into my head, happy to notice them and appreciate the life we have had.

grand daughters are the most beautiful things on earth, you have a strong feeling that they can do no wrong yet you want to teach them everything you know that is good in the world.  7 year olds are the most fun of all (ask me next year) I am still allowed to be seen with her and that feels just fine

grand daughters= love

enlightenment & suffering

When I started this journey of taking care of my dad I began with the knowledge that I thought (an illusion) that things could get easier and that I could fix my dads situation.  As time went on I began to get frustrated and began losing my patience daily.  I still live in a bubble illusion that I do what I can daily to make sure my dad gets what he needs and face obstacles that make me scared.  Fear is usually what we have either faced before or is unknown.  It is much easier to face each day with hopes of a new beginning that can be positive for ourselves or someone else.  In this case both.  Fighting with fear, frustration, anger and losing control doesn't work.  Accepting and willing to do what is right or here and now is bliss, it is the only way to be happy.  Being happy my dad doesn't have much speech left, or can hardly stand by himself?  How can this be?  Taking my happiness from wherever each moment leads me, finding it in words or expressions that he has little of.
Yesterday dad tried to help with his depends and I reminded him of when I was a baby he was getting ready for a meeting all dressed up with a suit and tie, he lifted me gave me a kiss..........and I asked him patiently what I did.  I waited and repeated the story and he replied a few moments later, "puked" and smiled.  I patted his leg and said that's great, you remembered! It makes me happy.  When he poops, I know his system is working-that makes me happy.  He picks up a cup by himself and takes a drink, that makes me happy.  Relief.  But there is still the illusion of control there, but I'll deal with that later.
Control is an illusion, we have none.  But if there is a day with no sores or falls and his system is functioning, I am happy.

I used to dread thinking about this time of my parents life, I used to dread thinking of having to care for them.  I believe most feel this way, but are too proud to say so.  Dreading, is an illusion of a fear of the unknown.  If you don't know what will be, why dread it so?  We fear we may not be able to handle something, we have no idea until we do it.  I used to dread my feelings of frustration, my unknown.  Live here, live now that is all you have.  Tomorrow is never promised.  Inconveniences are constant, interruptions are everywhere and they can test your patience.  Let go of that illusion and accept this time you have and if it were your last day.  If I could go back in time I would have loved to been able to experience it like I am now.  Appreciate, appreciate, appreciate that you have come so far as to give up illusions of control.  I used to dread my feelings of sorrow for losing my mom, but it is a small reminder of what life gives you-the moment.  I can feel my sorrow, I can feel my dads loss daily, I can have these feelings and not fight them and just be with them and that is enough.  Imagine for a second you have a cold, we all hate colds this is true.  Fighting the cold, you can't win-it doesn't make the cold go away does it? But eventually the cold goes away and it had nothing with you NOT wanting it or fighting it, did it? It went away on it's own, all by itself.  Feelings are like that, they eventually pass and you either notice them before they hit or you don't and don't understand at first that some you can control others are the product of years of imbedding into your makeup and they take a while to adjust and or accept.  Kind of like a wave, I've heard sayings like-something about what happens to you and more of how you adapt to it.  Thank you God, thank you universe, I am human, I make mistakes, I am not perfect.....my world is.

So yesterday was a great busy day.  Got up Biggie, peed on the new deck in the back yard-Daisy got her tie down wrapped around a pipe, Cole pooped a lincoln log next to the cat box and dad was digging feces from his booty and wiping it on his bed rails.  Sheesh all before 7:30 shoulda gone back to bed at that point.  Cleaned all messes up, gave dad his meds, took blood sugar, made him his breakfast.  Proceded to run around the next hour like a chicken with her head cut off, Kathy our cna came.  We put dad on his comode and I asked him if he had a name for me today, and his answer-"Misfit!" How glorious a day! He called Kathy and my husband Ron, "fart heads" and to top this best day ever off, when I said I love you to him when I got him tucked in, he said----" I love you!" not once but twice and clearly!

by Yo

Some people are raised/cultivated like a beautiful bonsai trees and some like wild flowers. Sometime bonsai tree breaks out or is neglected and adopts to wilderness and freedom. Sometime wildflowers in search of safety surrend to the cultivation and shaping... the form that is imposed on them might be beautiful but they lose freedom...

altruism.......

Form is no other than emptiness, emptiness no other than form. There are no walls in the mind.
—The Heart Sutra

“'What is not given is lost.' These words were spoken by Father Ceyrac, a French Jesuit missionary who has devoted himself to the wellbeing of children in South India for over sixty years. A similar thought is found in Buddhist teaching: 'What is not done for the benefit of others is not worth doing.' Seeking happiness just for yourself is the best way there is to make yourself, and everyone else, unhappy."
—Matthieu Ricard

the illusion inside

I am sorry to break this to you, but it's all in your head
You walk out the door, ignoring your neighbor as if he were dead
"Oh me!" you say if he were dead I would morn his loss
But you never knew him as you defensively cross
You have no clue, you live in a shell, you live in a cave
you are a slave.
You are a slave, to your eyes that don't see and your heart does not feel.
You reel.
Why do you reel?
You reel because of shock of pain and suffering. We all do.
Be here, there is no tomorrow.
Only sorrow.
This shock is aware, it is alive, it is here, in it is
now.

last night

last night was tough to sleep I laid there in shock or more like awareness. My stepson's mom has been dealing with stage 4 cancer since 2010 when she had to have 95% of her colon removed or in other words large intestin. Dealt with almost 12 months of chemo treatments, pet scans, and worried kids (she has 2 and she is I believe 44 this year) Cancer, cancer........blood tests revealed yesterday her cancer markers are extremely elevated. I am selfishly shocked but not surprised, stage four is nasty. She has had at least 1 normal year, everything went back to normal living out our separate lives. What an optical illusion that is, you are effected, infected, affected. Please may I have some way to end her suffering.

from Trouching Enlightenment by Reginald Ray

According to Tibetan teaching, we can quickly and strongly bring our prana to a certain location in our body by visualizing that we are breathing into it. We might do this by visualizing that we are bringing the breath into our body from the outside, through the skin, for example; or, we might visualize that we are just breathing directly into a location, such as the interior of the lower belly. Now here is the key point: wherever our attention goes, the prana goes, and the prana carries awareness right to that point. By directing the prana, we are able to bring awareness to any location within our body.

At first, for example, we put our awareness into our abdomen or into our heart center or into our limbs, into our feet, into our fingers, or toes. Although initially it does feel as if we are putting our awareness into those places, as time goes on we begin to sense that what is really happening is that those places themselves are already aware and we are tuning into the awareness that already exists, not just in these particular places, but throughout the entire body. We begin to develop more subtlety, and we gradually become aware of our tendons and ligaments, tiny muscles in out-of-the-way places, our organs, our bones, our circulatory system, our heart, and so on. Through that practice there slowly comes about a kind of shift in emphasis, a shift in the way we are aware as people. Habitually, there predominates in us a “daylight consciousness,” which most people experience in their heads as a kind of being up front and toward what we want consciously or intend for our lives. This kind of consciousness is really a way of being very focused on what we think, of bringing into awareness things that are in some way important to the project of “me.”But when we are asked to place our awareness in our bodies, something different begins to happen. Often, when we begin to do this kind of interior work, we can’t feel anything at all. Some of us may feel like we don’t even have a body. But through the practices, we begin to be able to see in the dark, so to speak. We begin to become aware that a larger world is beginning to unfold at the boundaries of awareness. The only thing you see in the daylight is what you want to see; when you turn the lights off in the night, you see what wants to be seen, which is a whole different story. It’s not something we can focus on with our usual self-serving consciousness, but nevertheless, this information begins to come to us in a very subtle way. We discover that the body actually wants to be seen in certain ways. This is a rather surprising discovery for many of us. We can’t imagine the idea that the body might be a living force, a source of intelligence, wisdom, even something we might experience as possessing intention. We cannot conceive of the body as a subject.

We may begin with absence of feeling or numbness, but as we continue breathing, the places where we are breathing may begin to show signs of life, and we may become aware of some faint sensation. As we continue breathing into the various locations in our body, we are likely to discover blockages and discomfort. People often uncover vivid pains and discomfort they were only subliminally aware of or perhaps were completely unaware of. They may realize that they feel like throwing up all the time. They may sense they are very, very tight or hard in their lower belly or their throat or their joints. They come to see that nothing is really flowing and that there are certain places where they are completely shut down. While some places feel very hard and armored, others feel incredibly vulnerable, unprotected, shaky, and weak. One side feels shorter or smaller than the other. One side feels alive, the other dead. Everything is out of kilter, and we are filled with distress of all kinds. We want to scream or run, or jump out of our bodies. This initial step involves getting to know a body that is in a lot of discomfort, holding a lot of claustrophobia and a lot of pain. As our awareness develops, we begin to realize that our habitual--if subliminal--response to our somatic distress is an unconscious or barely conscious pattern of freezing: we are holding on for dear life, fearful and paranoid, tensing our body and our self so we won’t have to feel.

At this point, the practitioner is instructed to receive the information of uncomfortable or even painful tension into his or her awareness without comment, judgment, or reaction. When we do so, we begin to notice that a certain area of tension is coming forward, as it were, presenting itself with special insistence to us. It clearly wants to be known, above all other potential areas. In addition, it comes with a very specific calling card, a particular portrait of feeling and energy. More than this, the area of tension comes as an invitation--it calls for release. Now at first, we might find this call painful and frustrating because we don’t see how we can heed the call and act upon it. After all, it is the body’s tension, right?

But the invitation for release, to be discerned in the very tension itself, also brings critical information with it: it is actually us, our own conscious, intentional, focal awareness, that is responsible for the tension in the first place. It is our own overlay, so to speak, that is creating this feeling of freezing. As this becomes clear, we begin to discover that we have the capability to take responsibility for the tension, to enter into the soma, to feel how it is actually us that is holding on. At this point, we can, indeed, release. We have to let go of ourselves, we have to feel that the unpleasant tension is our own paranoid holding on, and we have to open, relax, surrender, and let go. This represents a leap into the unknown.

As we move through the process of discovery, it may begin to dawn on us that the body itself has an agenda that it wants us to follow. The agenda begins with some region or part of the body coming forward to meet our awareness, presenting itself with a certain energy, texture, and demeanor, alerting us to our holding, and then inviting us into the process of release and relaxation. The interesting thing here is that we are dealing with something that is not us, it is not the conscious mind, it’s not like “Okay, I have a back problem, I’m going to use this bodywork to solve my back problem.” That’s imposing our agenda on the body. The body is going to say, “Nope. We are going to start with the arches of the feet. This is where we are going to start.” And then the next day it’s the calves, the next day it’s the neck, and then the next day or the next month it’s under the shoulder blades, under the clavicles, within the interior of the chest. In other words, the body itself actually gives us the routine. It gives us the protocols and it gives us the journey.

In this work, we are called to let go of what we think we want or think we need, and listen deeply; we are invited to surrender to the invitations that come forward from the body to become aware and to open, relax, and let go. Through that process there is a gradual shift from feeling that the body is an object or a tool of our ego, to realizing that the body is the source of something that constantly calls to us with a primal voice that commands our attention and engages us in a process that we find extraordinarily compelling, even though we cannot fully understand what is going on.

When people do this bodywork thoroughly and deeply, whatever personal issues they may have turn up somatically. They appear in a way that is according to the timetable of the body, not of our ego-consciousness. It is amazing how literal it can be. People who have difficulty with self-expression may feel at a certain point that they are being strangled because they sense the energy collecting at the throat and are unable to move. People who are unaware of their emotions may experience their heart as if in a vice. Such extraordinarily literal somatic experiences can be very painful and difficult. It is clear why people numb themselves because basically, who wants to feel that? But when we understand that these sorts of discoveries are part of regaining balance, energy, healing, and a more wholesome relationship to ourselves, it’s a whole different story. We begin to have confidence in the pain that we run into, and the blockages, because we have tools that we feel have some hope of leading us through. In each new experience, we bring awareness to our bodies, feel the blockage, find the invitation to release, surrender our hold, and experience the relaxation, sense of unknowing, and open space that result when we do.

In this process, we become acquainted with our body in ever new ways. As we continue, we may feel almost as if each particular part of our body is opening like a flower. We find a sense of vitality and life and energy in each part of our body. We begin to realize that each part likewise has its own very specific and unique awareness-profile, if you will, its own personality, its own living truth. It has its own reason for being, its own relation to the “us” of our conscious awareness, and its own things to communicate in an ongoing way. With each part of the body there is a similar whole world that opens up and is available for discovery when we begin working with it. With each new discovery, who “we” are grows deeper, more subtle, more connected, and more open and extended. All of this unfolds from that first experience of numbness.

WHEN ASKED “How do you exhaust karma?” Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche simply said, “When things come up in your life, you feel them completely and fully and you don’t hold back. You live them right through until they have completed themselves.” This applies to whatever is arising for us, not just what is painful, but what is pleasurable as well. When we are blissful and happy, we go along to a certain point but then pull back because we are afraid--perhaps it is too much and we feel we are losing our sense of self, or perhaps we are afraid it will slip away. This is because true bliss and true happiness, perhaps even more so than pain, are a negation of the human ego.

In the Yogachara teachings, within the “storehouse consciousness”--what we call the unconscious--are all the memories, all the experiences that we have not fully lived through. This understanding works well with modern psychological thinking. The process of the path to enlightenment, which can be demonstrated from the very earliest texts onward, is allowing the unconscious contents of our life to arrive in our awareness and to allow awareness to integrate what we find about ourselves and about the world. According to Buddhism, the unconscious is the body. Through working with the body in the way that I am describing, we actually are able to unlock and unleash all of these experiences and all of these things that have been insufficiently experienced and are therefore held throughout the body.

That’s why it is said in the Tibetan Yoga traditions that the body actually holds our own enlightenment. Until we are willing to live through some of the wealth of information and emotions that have been offered to us but rejected, our awareness remains tied up and restricted. The way they put it in the tradition is that the experience of working with the body unlocks memories and images and emotions that become fuel. This fuel creates a fire in us, a fire of all the vivid and intense pain held by these previously rejected aspects of experience. That pain is a fire that gradually burns up the structure of our ego--it is a visceral inferno. It is said that this inferno purifies awareness and makes the field of awareness very, very bright. The more we do the work, the more our awareness actually opens up. According to the early tradition, enlightenment itself is when the fuel is all used up. Awareness, no longer tied up in evasionary tactics, is set free and liberated to its full extent.

Through the work, we begin to discover some fundamental shifts in the way we are. There is a rich interior life of the body that we feel and experience, but which also somehow remains shrouded in mystery. At a certain point, we realize that we can’t tell whether something is physical or energetic, whether it is emotion or sensation, and we realize that we don’t need to figure it out. It begins to unfold. The so-called self, that relatively consistent type of person we have always been trying to be, becomes much less important, and there’s a willingness on the part of the meditator, or the body contemplator, to allow the self, the conscious sense of self, to die and be reborn, over and over.
Digging Deep

Reginald Ray

The first step in regaining our embodiment as meditators is to establish a clear, open, and intimate connection with our larger, macrocosmic “body,” the earth itself. In this practice, we will explore how the body can be felt as an incarnation of the earth. Earth breathing enables us to deepen our connection with the earth and to explore our identity with the earth itself. This practice also enables us to feel the support the earth offers us. The more we allow ourselves to feel supported by the earth, the more we are able to identify with the earth, the more room we allow ourselves for the inner journey.

Take a good meditation posture and feel the earth under you. Even if you are on a cushion in a room on the sixth floor of a building, you are still supported by the earth. You may initially want to keep your eyes closed. Begin breathing into the perineum, the region between the genital area and the anus. Bring your breath into the bottom of your pelvis at the perineum. Feel any tension you may have in the perineum. Breathe in through your sitz bones. Let the bottom of your pelvis sink into the earth. Breathe into the area of your anal region and your genitals. With each out-breath, let your pelvis sink more and more deeply into the earth, so that you are sitting completely and without any reservation on the earth. Bring the energy of the breath up into the hollow of the lower belly.

Now begin to breathe into a point that is a few inches below your perineum, putting you in direct contact with the earth. We are extending our awareness beneath our body, into the earth. Bring the energy of the earth up into your body. Now reach a few inches lower and then a foot lower. You are literally reaching with your awareness down into the earth and breathing up through your bottom.

With each breath, let your awareness drop down a little further into the earth. Breathe in the inner breath, the inner energy of the earth. Sink lower and lower into the darkness of the earth, breathing the energy up. On the in-breath, you are bringing the energy up, and on the out-breath, you are dropping further down. As you breathe in, allow your attention to remain deep inside the earth.

Continue in this way, letting your mind sink down into the darkness of the earth with each out-breath. Allow yourself to come right to the point where you feel you are about to go to sleep, but stay present, and take the attitude that you are sinking into a mysterious realm where all the answers you have ever sought are waiting. Try to be awake yet hovering on the boundary of sleep. On each out-breath let yourself sink a bit deeper, and take note of whatever images arise. Try to sense the extraordinary stillness and peace of the earth.

After about ten minutes, let your awareness drop more precipitously, further into the earth: one hundred feet, two hundred feet, a mile. See how far you can reach. Continue to breathe the earth’s energy up into your lower belly, going further down each time. Then let the bottom drop out and let your awareness go in a downward freefall. As your awareness descends, gradually have the sense that the energy is filling your body: into your belly, your mid-chest, your upper chest, and your head. Keep reaching down, deeper and deeper. Continue reaching further and further, while continuing to let the energy further up into your body. We are now receiving the awakened energy of the earth in our entire body.

To conclude this practice session, transition by dropping all techniques. Simply sit in your body, feeling your body as a mountain, still and immovable, and notice the awake and present quality of your mind.

all I want

pain and suffering go hand in hand
wanting and needing like a grain of sand
I pick up the pieces and they fall again
you are grasping for life as I hold out my
hand

Spoke my mind and then some

ok so doctors and offices are potentially overkill on a lot of things. Dad falls and everyone is like take him to the er~ummmm no maybe order xrays and send him to do that? Why cause him stress and upset, his life has plenty of that. Ridiculous I say, you take him to the er it's very scary for someone with dementia. If you don't, "oh you should...." they say~ whatever. Use your brain whenever possible, there are sometimes alternate routes that can be taken. If he was bleeding that would be another thing, bones sticking out, fever, lots of weakness~
I hate this fucking disease, it kills a lot more than just the person with it.

Ok so Tuesday, 5 days ago we got referrels for xrays and Friday we finally hear back from the doctors office. 4 days later~ hmmmm.........calling the ortho doctor on Monday