grand daughters are the most beautiful things on earth, you have a strong feeling that they can do no wrong yet you want to teach them everything you know that is good in the world.  7 year olds are the most fun of all (ask me next year) I am still allowed to be seen with her and that feels just fine

grand daughters= love

enlightenment & suffering

When I started this journey of taking care of my dad I began with the knowledge that I thought (an illusion) that things could get easier and that I could fix my dads situation.  As time went on I began to get frustrated and began losing my patience daily.  I still live in a bubble illusion that I do what I can daily to make sure my dad gets what he needs and face obstacles that make me scared.  Fear is usually what we have either faced before or is unknown.  It is much easier to face each day with hopes of a new beginning that can be positive for ourselves or someone else.  In this case both.  Fighting with fear, frustration, anger and losing control doesn't work.  Accepting and willing to do what is right or here and now is bliss, it is the only way to be happy.  Being happy my dad doesn't have much speech left, or can hardly stand by himself?  How can this be?  Taking my happiness from wherever each moment leads me, finding it in words or expressions that he has little of.
Yesterday dad tried to help with his depends and I reminded him of when I was a baby he was getting ready for a meeting all dressed up with a suit and tie, he lifted me gave me a kiss..........and I asked him patiently what I did.  I waited and repeated the story and he replied a few moments later, "puked" and smiled.  I patted his leg and said that's great, you remembered! It makes me happy.  When he poops, I know his system is working-that makes me happy.  He picks up a cup by himself and takes a drink, that makes me happy.  Relief.  But there is still the illusion of control there, but I'll deal with that later.
Control is an illusion, we have none.  But if there is a day with no sores or falls and his system is functioning, I am happy.

I used to dread thinking about this time of my parents life, I used to dread thinking of having to care for them.  I believe most feel this way, but are too proud to say so.  Dreading, is an illusion of a fear of the unknown.  If you don't know what will be, why dread it so?  We fear we may not be able to handle something, we have no idea until we do it.  I used to dread my feelings of frustration, my unknown.  Live here, live now that is all you have.  Tomorrow is never promised.  Inconveniences are constant, interruptions are everywhere and they can test your patience.  Let go of that illusion and accept this time you have and if it were your last day.  If I could go back in time I would have loved to been able to experience it like I am now.  Appreciate, appreciate, appreciate that you have come so far as to give up illusions of control.  I used to dread my feelings of sorrow for losing my mom, but it is a small reminder of what life gives you-the moment.  I can feel my sorrow, I can feel my dads loss daily, I can have these feelings and not fight them and just be with them and that is enough.  Imagine for a second you have a cold, we all hate colds this is true.  Fighting the cold, you can't win-it doesn't make the cold go away does it? But eventually the cold goes away and it had nothing with you NOT wanting it or fighting it, did it? It went away on it's own, all by itself.  Feelings are like that, they eventually pass and you either notice them before they hit or you don't and don't understand at first that some you can control others are the product of years of imbedding into your makeup and they take a while to adjust and or accept.  Kind of like a wave, I've heard sayings like-something about what happens to you and more of how you adapt to it.  Thank you God, thank you universe, I am human, I make mistakes, I am not perfect.....my world is.

So yesterday was a great busy day.  Got up Biggie, peed on the new deck in the back yard-Daisy got her tie down wrapped around a pipe, Cole pooped a lincoln log next to the cat box and dad was digging feces from his booty and wiping it on his bed rails.  Sheesh all before 7:30 shoulda gone back to bed at that point.  Cleaned all messes up, gave dad his meds, took blood sugar, made him his breakfast.  Proceded to run around the next hour like a chicken with her head cut off, Kathy our cna came.  We put dad on his comode and I asked him if he had a name for me today, and his answer-"Misfit!" How glorious a day! He called Kathy and my husband Ron, "fart heads" and to top this best day ever off, when I said I love you to him when I got him tucked in, he said----" I love you!" not once but twice and clearly!

by Yo

Some people are raised/cultivated like a beautiful bonsai trees and some like wild flowers. Sometime bonsai tree breaks out or is neglected and adopts to wilderness and freedom. Sometime wildflowers in search of safety surrend to the cultivation and shaping... the form that is imposed on them might be beautiful but they lose freedom...

altruism.......

Form is no other than emptiness, emptiness no other than form. There are no walls in the mind.
—The Heart Sutra

“'What is not given is lost.' These words were spoken by Father Ceyrac, a French Jesuit missionary who has devoted himself to the wellbeing of children in South India for over sixty years. A similar thought is found in Buddhist teaching: 'What is not done for the benefit of others is not worth doing.' Seeking happiness just for yourself is the best way there is to make yourself, and everyone else, unhappy."
—Matthieu Ricard

the illusion inside

I am sorry to break this to you, but it's all in your head
You walk out the door, ignoring your neighbor as if he were dead
"Oh me!" you say if he were dead I would morn his loss
But you never knew him as you defensively cross
You have no clue, you live in a shell, you live in a cave
you are a slave.
You are a slave, to your eyes that don't see and your heart does not feel.
You reel.
Why do you reel?
You reel because of shock of pain and suffering. We all do.
Be here, there is no tomorrow.
Only sorrow.
This shock is aware, it is alive, it is here, in it is
now.