another broken hip for dad =(

Ok so life will often throw you a loop and we either have a choice to accept what is happening fully or we can attempt to block this flow of energy and let it knock us down anyway. I am telling you it is better to go with the flow as the saying says. Acceptance can be in the form of choosing not to fight, looking at all sides of a story and not neccasarily agreeing with all sides but accepting that just because you have ingrained this into your memory to respond to this situation the same all the time. You see 4 years ago the last time dad broke his hip, I was standing over his bed attempting to get him to eat or whatever. Then I did not have an abundance of patience to put someone elses needs before my own nor did I ever think of it? I mean I was a giving person I thought and basically nice too, but I didn't have this thing I was lacking. Maybe compassion to not look at things through burdensom eyes or instead of thinking when is this going to be done and when am I going to not have to do this. Not sure what the word is for what I'm feeling but I will try and discribe it to you. As long as I have my mind and I can sit a little with it I am fine. I don't want to say happy or at peace or calm or anything else I say fine because it is just that and nothing more. See if your way up happy this way and then your just happy then you just maybe a little happy. Or you could even be a little mad or even grumpy too but your still grumpy. See being fine to me is being ok, I can breathe calmly, I can complet a thought, I can just be or just be me. Maybe that's the reason I like the library or maybe that's why people usually like too because you can just be with your book and not have to worry about checking the laundry or dinner etc.

So today I am sitting in the hospital as my father sleeps and I'm just being me and I'm really fine with that. My dad fell while Ron and I went out to dinner, we came home gave him some tylenol, tried to get him to bear weight on the side was painful and then decided to take him to the hospital to have him checked out. Funny thing is that he told us that it was his hip all along. The girl who was at the house from the agency said he can't have a broken hip, he's moving his feet? I even explained how when last time he did the same thing in a wheelchair in the waiting room at this hospital for 8 hours and then 6 hours before was spent going to the doctor's office and then the hopital not once did he act like I surely would if I had broken my hip! I listen to his breathing and cherish it as odd as this may sound. The anestheseologist stated that there is a 50% mortality rate amongst his age bracket for recovery. He even told us he lost his grandmother the same way. I cherish the thought of feeding him, whiping his face, and planning his next step of care. For a fleeting second I think about how lost I will be without him. I miss his stupid dirty laundry, his calling me all day long for anything, reminding him to stop feeding the dogs, dad telling him to use a napkin when he picks his nose. I think the dogs miss him the most.

This is how it works for you newbees out there, 1st the hospital emergency or however you get there be it sickness or family choice. A hospital stay, two days later a visit from the hospital social worker who gives you a list of area rehab/nursing homes. If your like me, you rush around crazy looking at these places (to put it nice) and you a decision based usually on your gut reaction. Insurance I believe pays for 28 days, they get rehab while your there. You need to go and be a presence at these places this is important because this shows the staff your not going to let stuff not be done or that they will get away with anything. After rehab or just before you need to find out what your family member will need in order to come home and function as best as they can without assistance. The reason for this is because the less you do the more strength and thought process they keep. This is the truth. Insurance makes it mandatory to have a PT person come to your house for 30 minutes and try and exercise with them. And all this time from the very beginning you will be learning patience and you won't even know it until one day you stop yourself and say wow that stupid inpatient feeling isn't there anymore. I am fine with being, and patient.
Have patience with yourself and you'll be fine.

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Couldn't resist =)

sleepy Daisy

enjoying the sun (and my lap)

Sundowning and zombie land

I added the above picture because I sometimes need to remind myself there is happiness out there. When my dad doesn't sleep he's awake most of the day and doesn't sleep at night until maybe 6-7 am till he eats breakfast. I can only imagine not having any sleep and when the time comes I suspect that I might have to make a few adjustments with my regular daytime life. I am trying to explain what it's like for a person with Alzheimer's to help understand what they feel. So last night he wakes up at 9:30 pm after going to bed at like 8 ish. He wakes up because he heard Ron, Blake and I saying goodbye to Jan and the dogs barking their little heads off. So he starts to come out of his room, slightly dazed but happy to see me. I ask him, "dad are you checking to make sure I got home ok?" He nods his head yes and I ask him if he wants to go back to bed and I'll see him in the morning. Well due to the night before we needed to have the heat on because it was low 40's over night, Ron was up 4 different times to his nose and throat hurting because the heat was too high. Dad has a bad habit it the ac is on he puts it up to 80 well he does the same thing with the heat. Ron was afraid that dad would burn out the heater coil or cause a fire, so to the store we went and me making phone calls and not getting anywhere we finally found a lock box for the ac thermostat with a key. Dad at 10 is now awake again because Ron is installing this lock box so he can get some sleep tonite, so again I thank dad for checking on us and tell him it's ok to go back to bed. Midnight rolls around and we are watching a movie with Blake, he attempts to climb up the stairs without his walker and has the zombie look on his face. I tell him get off the stairs and he doesn't listen so I have to grab his hands and guide him to his walker. The only way I can describe it as his expression looks like he's sleep walking and dazed. This morning he's sleepy so he gets up quite late and dazed after he eats there is a glimpse of dad as once again you can see it in his eyes. Very funny thing is that after you see the glimpse of "him" you instantly feel better. I only wonder what I'll feel when it's not there any more at all.

Not to be read by the squiemish types or grandchildren

Ok so old people with dementia masturbate when ever they want, where ever. When they are frustrated and don't or can't express themselves which most can't they masturbate. Noticing in the past weeks, when I get my dad out of the house he does a lot better with his frustration. Miss a few days and don't take him out and your in for a few surprises. Going to discuss this with his doctor to see if my assumptions are correct, knowing that most likely he will differ in opinion.

I am sad, out of control mad and want to yell at everyone. These episodes I like to call them are coming more frequent, I can't wait to see what the holidays bring! It's obvious that when I don't take care of myself all that well that the end result is what you give. Shit. Taking a walk helps, yelling at your husband helps, blogging helps, you can't yell at the person your caregiving for tho. Burnt out today. Funny thing is that 99% of the time I'm good and I have lots of excellent days and things are fine for atleast a month.

Eating better tho, back to smoothies and more veggies less meat.