all that changes & is

ok so the stepson has been taking some steps into adulthood, not the changes that we usually associate with being in the later part of 16. So In May of this year he decides to get an eyebrow piercing, big deal. He then gets his hair cut and dyed in this new fashion style emo or scene as the kids put it these days (Old I am sounding!) So he goes from listening to rap and wearing football jersey's in February to this emo skinny jeans attempting to skateboard falls off and decides to not go near it again to hanging out with the dreaded idiots at the palm coast library. These kids all smoke, all like to "DEFY" the man by hanging out at the public library-oh mom can I go to the library it sounds so innocent? right? wrong. I am mad on one hand because we have talked and talked about everything from smoking to drugs etc. I am mad because I couldn't fix it for my own kids and can't fix it now either. I have spent most of this weekend thinking about this and have made conclusions based on the past of what worked and what didn't .
Kids change anyway
you can talk all you want they still change
kids need to feel accepted
kids need to make their own decisions and if you don't let them they will find some other way and it will appear DEFIANT!
Defiant is change to a teen
teens are adults just sticking their toes in the fountain of old age
they are not usually happy just being teens they want to grow up and be rebellious and make decisions even if you don't want them to
they do it anyway
you have a long talk with them after doing something dumb you punish THEY LIE they do "whatever" anyway
you don't do anything they DO IT ANYWAY
HERE IS THE AHA MOMENT FOR ME!
When a teen is rediscovering them self or recreating them self this is good and bad-bad if they do it to fit in with the bad crowd etc and do bad things- but they have to be able to get it out- meaning if you perhaps punish and negatively effect this change you cause them to rebel or do whatever out of either frustration or anger or just doing the opposite of what ever your wish is. This being themselves and recreating their self is a SURVIVAL TOOL- look at people who are really successful, they change just like a chameleon to whatever their surroundings are and they don't get killed by the part of society that is fighting for that job because they can't conform
THIS IS SOMETHING WE LOSE OR HOLD ONTO AS ADULTS
when we are young we change yearly UNTIL WE FIGURE OUT WHAT IS THE EASIEST WAY OR MOST COMFORTABLE WAY TO GO THROUGH LIFE
we see pain we don't like it but instead of ADAPTING TO THE SITUATION we run from it we cover it up we ignore it we take drugs or drink to escape it
teens adapt we do not unless we attempt to see things a little different
my son Josh went from this surfer image at school to fit in- then to the dark side all black clothing (mall zombies they called them) hell one of his friends had a trench coat (weirdo) then he went to straight edge -
my daughter has gone through it all too and finally found her nitch too-
I think the more shocked you react to these changes depends on how whomever will change moreso in either direction good or bad.
So getting back to the adult thing- you have these kids acting like an adult doing adult things but not so much effective like adult things like jobs and positive things- I think were did I go wrong? What did I do or not do to make or break this kid or kids? Well I don't think it was us, I think it's each and every kid had a desire or some kind of idea they want out of life and oh they will tell you I don't know this , I don't know what I want to do- they still want to BE ACCEPTED for what they are or aren't and IF YOU DON"T ACCEPT THEM THEIR IS A GROUP OF KIDS AT THE LIBRARY THAT WILL! So I think acceptance is first and all the while guidance helps too, acceptance and love and understanding even when you don't want to.

LYING-denial-ok so so n so lies for the umpteenth time and you call them on it they so no it's the truth- RULE IS TO LET THEM LIE EVENTUALLY SOMEDAY THEY WILL REALIZE THEY ARE LYING TO THEM SELVES OR actually even if they believe the lie that they know is a lie it didn't happen -once again adapting to the situation being chameleon like changing for what ever is to come

THEY WILL EVENTUALLY BECOME ADULT ENOUGH TO TELL THE TRUTH SOMEDAY AND IF THEY DON"T THEN THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE GONNA DO ANYWAY SO JUST ACCEPT IT OR DON"T

I would like to explain the meaning of compassion which is often misunderstood. Genuine compassion is based not on our own projections and expectations, but rather on the rights of the other: irrespective of whether another person is a close friend or an enemy, as long as that person wishes for peace and happiness and wishes to overcome suffering, then on that basis we develop a genuine concern for his or her problems – His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama

freedom is where it's at (limited)

Here we are almost 2 weeks later, I'm back on a normal sleeping schedule and so is Ron-almost. So we did away with attempting to keep dad in his room/area-he only had a 4x2 piece of wood with a latch key holding him in at the end of his hallway, blocking him from going into mom's room. So we moved the latch key project over to mom's side of the hallway and added another latch key project to the living room/stairs area by the front door. All doors remain double keyed dead bolt (meaning both sides) as well as kitchen closet door with latch key. Dad gets his snack in the middle of the night and a drink, figures out it's dark or something and goes back to bed. The earliest he has attempted to wake us is 7:45 I'll take that any day of the week over him falling under the last latch key project by his room 2x's ! Along with the banging, yelling and kicking the bathroom door that connects to mom's bathroom. So we are back to allowing him to go from his room to the dinning room, sit in his wheel-chair have a snack and drink look at a magazine and then go back to his room and either watch tv or sleep. He just can't go anywhere else in the house, which for now is ok with him at least in the middle of the night.

So all in all I am blessed for the extra sleep, I'm starting my 15 minute a day decluttering routine and am off to a good start (even though all the animals are watching. Oh, I forgot to introduce "Cole" our newest Siamese 2yr. old we got from the Halifax Humane Society this last Wednesday. Very interesting kitty, energetic, playful and sweet he even slept under mom's bed the first 2 nights and on the 3rd (last) he slept on her bed and pooped in her room too. Snoop and Kimmy are having the worst time of adjusting, Daisy and Biggie are just keeping their eyes away from paws. Mom gave Cole his last name "Porter" after my grandfather going to school with Cole Porter at Yale. My grandfather said that he never had much of a social life, he was always busy writing songs and music.

Busy but good week, after all.

you must be willing to try anything

ok-so Ron hasn't slept in a week-we worked out one day last week I think Thursday- Dad up all hours of the night-I vowed yesterday to keep him awake and boy did I he was mad as hell and I got it both barrel's and Ron got triple or more- the name calling was horrid- anyway in thinking about what we need to do is all get some sleep mainly Ron and dad has also started to bang, knock and try and get in mom's room-so yesterday and today not so good, I called the doctor to get a script for him to sleep. Test subject dad we will see how this works out. to be continued..........also going to give him the sleeping pill at 10-12 pm after his snack

up at night~ again & every night

so he goes to bed at 8pm ish and falls asleep quickly- some nights he's up in 2-3 hours others around 4-5. he takes namenda, tandem & lorazepam at 8pm, i really believe by him waking up at those times he's in some kind of sleep walking mode. you can just tell by the way he looks at you and usually you just get an agreeing mmhmmm of some sort as he continues on his way. last night at 12ish Ron found him trying to open the front door moving the handle back n forth, i came down the stairs and asked him if he was making sure the front door is locked and he agreed, i told him thanks for keeping us safe that was very nice of him. then he told me it was christmas, i told him to go back to bed but he just continued to go to his wheelchair and sit, all you can do is let him be- 2 more trips in an hour back n forth- those hours from 10-3 are hard on his brain challenged mind. found another screwdriver in his room-amazing where he finds them and still has that process of what they are for, mainly opening the kitchen and getting snacks-

funny thing yesterday-amber came by and helped with dad for a few hours did an excellent job, very compassionate young lady she is, talking to dad for like an hour -dad asked her how she was and said she was fine he didnt believe her so he let her talk her troubles out to him. he woke up from his nap and said that, "i should tell you that amber is still upset over that guy" so we talked a little bit about that-then when he was going to bed i asked him if he had something on his mind, he said, "amber" i said eh that guys no good anyway-if it works out it works out- you know your alive when you have problems.

resting with my thoughts

Its sunday and Im sitting outside on our dilapidated deck/porch on 5 buck plastic chairs made in china. The plastic towards my back bends because Im propping my feet on another chair. My head is tilted sideways as i think about my just sitting with myself at this second on Sunday and my breath is slow. my dad is up for his second time this morning not sure why, i guess he just wants to read the paper and sit with mom as she takes forever in the bathroom and eventually makes it to the kitchen. He just told me to shut up because he's frustrated and so am i. so i do the next best thing and i sit outside with myself and let my thoughts flutter away like little butterflies. some days or mornings like today you wake up and have a certain patience or awareness and realize all the little things that we flutter around about in our brains are really worthless and just as they are thoughts they are not true facts. it most likely sounds crazy, but if you look at some of your thoughts and give them too much credibility you can sure waste a lot of good energy. one of my favorite things is the feeling i get blogging about family and there is so much for me to learn in accepting the real for what it is. sitting out here in the shade just listening and looking around me and just being in this one place at this one time. very calming indeed my friends.

sorry about my punctuation but im really not in that mood today, im just appreciating all that i can right now.

i look at my toenails and think i should trim them-fact yes :0) very funny.

if you try for a minute or two when your not enjoying yourself to just tell "your-self" what your doing. It really works and it's very calming too. for example, we spend too much time just thinking about other things we need to do, don't want to do, hate to do, don't want to think about, really care about, really feel bad about, don't like, like, want, need, don't need, can't have and the list could go on forever. but if you think about it~ALL OF IT IS EITHER PAST-PRESENT-FUTURE and you can't do anything about any of them! i mean yes you can save your money, yes you can eat well & exercise, you can keep things simple BUT YOU CAN KEEP THINGS SIMPLE wow! what a statement, it's almost like multi tasking this multi thinking, don't you agree? I could think about any number of things while i type or fold clothes or wash dishes, right? but what does that do for me, really? does it make it easier to get done or to the next thing i'm doing? no, NOT ONCE HAVE I BEEN DOING ONE THING AND BEEN THINKING ABOUT ANOTHER HAS IT MADE THE THING IM DOING PLEASURABLE OR FUN OR ANY EASIER OR ENJOYABLE. so why do it, the other thing will get done after you get the first thing done & IT FEELS LESS STRESSFUL! OMLord what a AH HA MOMENT, it is to be doing and thinking about this any one thing at a time. for the record i have wanted to write about things and gotten all excited about what it is i want to write and then once i start writing, i start thinking about the next thing im gonna-have to-want to do and suddenly my writing feels un easy, rushed , not fun and boring and lamo.

Lucky for those who have an under active brain, what beautiful awareness they possess.

Happy awareness to all of us.

When life throws you lemons & additional wisdom

So I sit here thank full that my computer is working now, I spilled evoo on the keyboard and in realizing my laptop is not a salad it was very frustrating to type on. Well enough of that because I've got so much to tell I almost bursting from waiting so long! Ok so this last month has been quite exciting we had Ron's, Mike's & their dad's birthday all on the weekend of the 8th which was loads of fun. The preparing and over stressing was not I regress to that fact even though I loved every minute of all the to do's and lists and getting with Kim and planning strategy of secrecy's. I loved it a bunch! We had the agency and Josh from Thursday night till Monday evening at 5pm. Wow I look back and we had a blast, a very interesting family I married into, no attitudes, no one acting like they are better, no one being snobby, everyone getting along beautifully! The party was a blast that was Saturday, we got an ice cream cake and Mike and Ronnie both wore tshirts that said 4 then 0 ha, ha get it twins- Just amazing this getting along thing really! So we ate & drank & ate & drank and so on all weekend long, I think by Monday my body had about had it! We stayed at the Best Western with a few of the family and the others stayed at the Makai which is kinda old and run down a bit, it's too bad because the view from the rooms is great and access to the beach is like right there! We had the party there with a cookout and lot's of surfing, rafting and fun!

Getting back to the beginning:
Poor Josh stayed with them Thursday night, I spoke with him Friday morning and once again dad gave him a bomber present all over the floor. I was beginning to think that dad was doing this on purpose because Josh had stayed with them Wednesday sometime and he did it then also? So anyway, I took a drive in the morning to the house and cleaned up a hefty mess that took me about an hour to clean and disinfect. Josh left that day at 5pm relieved by Jan (to say the least) I made my 2nd trip to the house to pay Josh for the day before after lunchtime. So Mike went and picked up Blake and met us at the hotel, we met up with Ronnies dad and Kim and all of us ate dinner at Bonefish grille , very good by the way. Took another trip to the house (3rd that day) to pickup surfboards etc. Blake had fun till we went to the beach the following day, but he kept a good game face on still for his dad's birthday. Ronnie took him home that afternoon, the rest of the weekend was nice and mellow.

So things that have happened in the last month.................hmmmmm, ok we can start with this morning I found my purse on my dad's tray in the dining room so I asked him when he came out, "Hey dad, did you find what you were looking for in my purse?" He says, nope! So then I asked him, "what were you looking for in there? he said, "keys"-I asked him did you find the one you were looking for? Well I know the answer was no because the kitchen was still locked, but it was so funny that he thought to get my purse to try and find the key to open up the kitchen, amazing! So I end the story by telling him that you can't sneak the sneak it doesn't work like that, I told him you taught me and the student tricked the teacher!

Much more to come- I can only hope.