being thankful

Opening my inbox yesterday I recieved a daily buddha message that went as follows:
Let us rise up and be thankful,
for if we didn’t learn a lot today,
at least we learned a little,
and if we didn’t learn a little,
at least we didn’t get sick,
and if we got sick,
at least we didn’t die;
so, let us be thankful.

-The Buddha

Most of the time I'm preoccupied and have a bit of trouble focusing on these things but today it kinda smacked me in the face. Ron and I took dad to get a flue shot, being that it was 3pm and he was tired getting him into the car he says, "Hey that guy had a bear cub in his car," I kinda went along with it because as I'm finding out sometimes you have to go with it others you have to derail sorta speak. Dad also said he doesn't know what he's gettin himself into with that cub, he's gonna be big someday, I told dad if the guy didn't get rid of him soon his mom will prob. come looking for him and eat the guy! I asked dad if maybe that flue shot was knocking him out, he said yeah and that he felt it! Earlier in the week not so lucky, dad woke up from a long nap before dinner and I could tell by what he said that he was really in a deep sleep. Mom was kinda concerned because dad asked her when they were gonna meet up with Marion and Chris. My aunt Marion passed close to 20yrs ago and the family assumes Chris either has or made someone elses family misereable. So I just said to dad, "Boy you mustve sleep really hard and been dreamin", it's just better with some things to use either method, because for as long as I can I don't want him to have doubts.

Sometimes we have to be thankful that our thoughts and others reactions are the same even if they come from different places.

Words

Words: are sounds put together in a language that have a meaning to that group of people that use that language. Well that's my definition, ask an english teacher and it may not be correct. Mom turned 82 on Monday, September 15th, 2008 this is a big milestone for some who actually make it to that age. My grand daughter, Angelina almost four has started to come up with some great word usage these days and going out to lunch with the family to celebrate this milestone was no exception. I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up, she answered, "Nana, I'm gonna be four and be a big girl!" Josh is having a great time teasing this poor child every chance he get's, telling her she has something on her nose and it's not there. Too funny. The day out was fun my daughter Amber had a blast in watching Angelina (her daughter) get all the attention. Dad said the "F" word when he got mad at me 3 x's about a food related issue and mind you it's always said with emphasis. Mom dropped the "F" bomb too shortly after when she was supposedly correcting my dad, all said quite loudly ofcourse. Last but not least, Angelina calls me the other night to tell me where babies come from, "where", I ask, "From the baby shop!" she tells me.

Looking back on the other day, thinking about how Angelina was twirling in the restuarant telling Ron, "wait, don't take my picture yet!" Being that age she is blessed to not have a recall of hurtful or shaping of what people say, unless most likely her mom. Our minds are not as advanced as we think, we get mad or happy and say things that we think should be either emphasized or lightly said. This doesn't matter at all or shouldn't they are just words, sounds put together. Myself, I prefer the twirling and the carefree look of a childs face that doesn't care just is showing her happiness from the inside out.

Before I forget (pic of Angelina too!)

Backing it up a few weeks, July 21st to be exact. Mom has a melanoma the size of a quarter which is around a centimeter, the plastic surgeon has to make sure he get's all of it by taking 3 centimeter's the size of a small orange cut in half. We get through surgery, Dad doesn't know because I want him to be ok and let mom sleep and he get some too. Bring mom home she's in a wheelchair, remember dad is in a wheelchair/walker a good percentage each. I had our caretaker Mary still come by on this Monday to help with dad, so that I can take care of mom. Thank God for my husband Ron he reminds me to be patient all the while in the next coming weeks, he helps more than he ever knows. Later that evening Dad comes in for dinner and says, "Hi Mama" and doesn't mention Mom in a wheel chair the entire evening even though they are sitting less than 3 feet away. Dad goes to bed his usual time 8pm says good night to mom and off he goes. Remember my dad has dementia/Alzheimer's. My son just happened to move out approx 1 week before mom's diagnosis, Ron, Josh and I clean out his room and get it ready for Mom. We order a hospital bed, wheel chair and get a new tv and the basics lamp, etc to make her comfortable. So mom is now situated for the night with pain killer, anti nausea and antibiotics it's 11:30 I'm sleepy so off to bed I go. Ron and I are in cuddle mode discussing the day, when the motion sensor goes off in dad's hallway. I go down the stairs and dad has a confused look on his face, so I ask him if he's ok? "Why is Mama in a wheel chair?" , he asks. I tell him about the surgery and why and so he starts to turn around, he walks a few feet towards his room and then turns around again and asks me with sad eyes and tears streaming down his face, "I was no good to her, it's my fault, I was no good to her". So I tell him let's go and see Mom and go and sit with her, he doesn't want to but I make him. So in her room he goes with a t shirt and depends and socks on into Moms temp/room and they watch Sex in the City and Reno 911 till 1 am. Dad cries when he see's her but she's all doped up but she consoles him anyway and tells him she is ok and asks dad, "Do you want me to kick the doctor in the balls?" The end of August, Mom get's released from the plastic surgeon and back (for the most part) she is back to her old wanna go everywhere self again. And each day I thank God that she is exactly that way.

The game of Life

Have you ever wondered what would life be if we knew then what we know now? Would we go to the beach, get in our cars, eat sushi, didn't sit and waste time playing a stupid game? Life is full of consiquences, sometimes you know, sometimes not. Mom get's to retire with dad in Florida, helps him get better goes to the beach, gets skin cancer? But what if she knew what would or could happen? Who knows? I think she loved the beach as much as I do now maybe more? She got to go through the Panama Canal and see that magnificient creation even though you could fry an egg on the deck of the ship and dad slept right through it. What if I had moved a long time ago and never been here to see my mom through this? My husband asks, what if they were still living alone?

My mom came through this with high flying colors, even though she a month after her removal of her melanoma had to have something taking off her face also.

What gives some people that strength to go on to make it while some others wait to give up or worse don't appreciate what they have.

This is how a mother loves.

I don't possess my mothers abilities in the least of ways. I wish I did. When I was young looking back, "be careful" was really the same as I love you but have fun. I was a tom boy who loved to skateboard, bike ride, climb trees, play every game known to kids, pretend me and my friends were the Swiss Family Robinsons in my back yard play house from Gimballs at the mall. Growing up and boy did I want to as soon as I noticed boys was not too easy a time for us all. My girl friends and I would take atleast an hour to get ready to go roller skating, ice skating or watch the boys play baseball just to be out and ready for anything! Several occasions I lied awefully bad about bad pizza or kanishes when in fact I stoled my moms j&b scotch. To say I was a handfull to todays standards would be putting it lightly. My mother was going to instill some culture and poise in me whether I liked it or not. I was in public schools for 7-8 yrs, I can't really count kindergarten because all I remember was my mom and dad taking me to the beach alot instead of going to school. Eighth and Nineth grade I spent at Knox Preperatory School in Long Island or on the Island as it's called. Even though I hated it due to mostly having to adapt to the preppie way of life, I have very good memories of those 2 years. In the last quarter of school of the second year my dad suffered a major heart attack and a mild one, I remember the day was like a Wednesday and I had just came from a game I played (tennis, soccer, softball or basketball?) and my mom's car was parked in the parking lot at Knox. Mind you, you only got picked up every other weekend and had afternoon visits with family alternate weekends. Mom told me dad's back went out and when I got to the hospital dad was sitting up in a hospital bed with all kinds of tubes and cords, plugs and monitors attached to him. He got up and gave me a hug (sitting) and I remember saying what about your back? Dad's doctor mentioned to mom that if we could find a way to move to Florida and retire that dad would prob. live alot longer. Off that summer we went, Mom pushing dad to get well, having him eat right, walking to the end of our property (to the mailbox) and back, then to the end of the block, and she packed and planned a trip to go look at houses in Florida with a realtor and did everything come to think of it. We flew together as a family to Florida to find a house and moved there in the summer. Moving van took our belongings and we took the 2 dogs a basset hound and her mixed puppy/adult in a Chevy Chevette gunmetal grey with red seats and no ac (from what I remember). My dad could only drive a little, my mom drove mostly and my dad even made me drive, no drivers license and 15 yrs old. Luckly those lessons in the mall parking lot paid off big time, believe me your fist time driving in traffic is a bit scarey if your doing it on I-95! Moved in made friends, had a few boyfriends, got pregnant, then married.

Getting back to my mom, she always gave me hope. Hope in marriage, health, love, sickness, my children, job and even when I didn't have much. Her ability to forgive and not forget is unsurpassable bar none. She is biased very to me. She is also biased to the good that can and is inside everyone, even if they aren't showing it at that time. How does she know these things, why when I get mad about something she gives off this feeling that she's ignoring me when in fact she's just really making light of it knowing it will pass and not even matter? How she does this I hope I figure out, I think I have to ask her this later. Maybe it's her faith in God, she prays every night to her dear heavenly Father for anyone and everyone she cares about. She worries still at 81 years young about everyone she cares about, even her husband that he'll be nice to me? Who does these things?

In a week from this Monday she's having 3 cm removed from her shin due to malignant melanoma under anesthesia. I am scared as hell about this skin cancer and losing her to it. I am being selfish I know, I don't want her to suffer and lose that gleam in her eye and will to be alive as she lives each day. You should hear her laugh out loud when she's watching her favorite shows, shows she's seen a thousand times. She sings with commercials, "There ain't no bugs on me!", sang by some adorable lab.

I believe in heaven her mother is looking down at her and saying what a chip off the old block. Maybe her dad too. Lastly, her dad when on Sundays the family would go to church have a good friend or golf buddy that was like an usher or something would come up and shake her dad's hand and he'd have a golf ball or a buzzer in it! In church even!

Well lunch is home today, she has to go to Walgreens (she has a list I'm sure) and pick up her glasses at the eye glass place. I wish I could just stop crying, but like Jan (one of our helpers) says she used to promise herself not to cry in front of her mom she gave herself to cry like a baby once she got far enough away from her to make sure she couldn't hear her.

my mom (picture is of Angelina 3 yrs 3/4 old!)

Moms aren't supposed to get sick, the last time she did was a cough/cold thing going around. My mom doesn't have diabetes, her bp is OK (with meds) she's almost 82. I read something yesterday which put it in words how I feel. I read that when you take care of your parents or do some things for them, you begin to take a look at your own mortality. My dad had 2 heart attacks before I turned 15 years old, it wasn't easy for him. When this happens you have to slowly reabuild yourself and push every day to exercise, eat right and be careful not to over do it. When I was in my 20's my mom had a lumpectomy with radiation. I took her to her appointments, visited her at the hospital, and she was the strongest person with breast cancer in all the world. Never once did I think she'd die from it, or maybe don't remember. A little while ago she told me that was the scariest thing she ever went through. My mother has been taken for curt, mean, brash, rude, cold, harsh, hard for her words to others or about from time to time. She was raised privilidged and born in 1925 in Wheeling, West Virginia. She had 2 older siblings Hugh and Margorie. She often says how she missed talking to him about anything little or small. She remembers one conversation with him as he was referring to having his leg amputated due to a bypass surgery that didn't heal, he said "Well now that I only have 1 leg, I only have to worry about cutting the toenails on 5 toes instead of 10!".

Being born through a depression makes one appreciate every little thing. My mother was not wasteful, she loved spending money on her family but lived a modest life. When she was young she remembers there being an "X" infront of her house on the pavement by the street. Her parents told her that was from the beggars that knew they could go to their home for food. She and her sister volunteered at the local Red Cross with their mother for many years. Due to the usual flooding in Ohio she always had lots to do. Her sister and mother later on were very important community figures volunteering for the Citizens of the Blind and the Cancer Society. To this day every month, she donates to her charities: The Red Cross, Human Society, Cancer Society, National Wildlife, from feeding children, Veterans of Foreign Wars, to the National Republican Party, Border Control, to keeping English as our first language. I am sure I missed a few.

Her brother Hughie went on to the steel business following in his fathers footsteps. He met Martha his wfe throughout his life and had 4 childre; Heather, Briar, Malcolm & Timmy. My mother loves to tell a story about Heather then about 3 or 4 yrs old, "Heather and I were riding in the car from Wheeling back home, Heather fell asleep in the car and after about an hour she woke up and asked me", "Auntie Charlotte, I had the greatest sleep, did you?" Throughout the years she kept the rest of us up to date what each of the four were doing and who married a republican or a democrat. Very important in this family those things are. She could really talk up a storm she called it about those things with Hughie.

She loved horseback riding, even though her mother insisted that she should give it up due to her falling. She went to high school in Wheeling, W.VA. and 2 years at Knox in Cooperstown, NY and later graduated from Katie Gibbs in NY.

deep thought.........

I've been thinking and meditating alot lately about the past and future. I know we really don't have much control over either but our attitudes and the way we really handle both. First off, took my dad to Dustins bbq yesterday after he got his shot of go juice (procrit) and he for the 1st time in years dipped a fry in ketsup and offered it to me. Now this may sound funny, but it brought back lots of memories of being a child. I remembered the 1st time he took me to McD's a walk up windo one near a beach we used to go to and how weird that was. Taking time to remember certain events is really cool because you can say goodbye to a time in your life and can also connect or reconnect you to the person your remembering. I was sad because when I was that age through my teens I did not appreciate those moments as I should but you don't know cause your a kid. It's like you want to hold on to that memory cause it's gone and doesn't exist only in your mind. That's why when you go to a funeral they call it a memorial service because you are bringing up either great things that, that person did whether it funny, sad or whatever and you take that time to cherish that period in your life. Sometimes I try to prepare myself for what's to come and it makes me want to cherish time that I have with everyone I know.

Things I don't want to forget-
My dad dancing with my friends acting silly and taking them bowling or to the mall or McD's-
Teaching me how to drive a car and a school bus (in my 30's) when I failed my test the 1st time my dad went and yelled at the test lady and said "you need to take my license because I taught her!" the part I failed was not correctly stopping at a stop sign or rolling stop-he also taught me how to rid a motorcycle (although I couldn't stop it- We went to the mall and got our motorcycle licenses together-he taught me how to ride a bike and a skateboard-Mow a lawn and all the rest-
He also taught me to forgive on a daily basis, this was through his actions, he taught me how to give to anyone who needed it, people deserve 2nd chances, he also never forgot-like the time I shot him in the butt with a bb gun at his twin sisters farm when I was 12 or 13-His twin sister Marion was the coolest aunt she always sang to me "close to you" by the Carpenters, she took me to a flea market and bought me a bugs bunny radio-
My dad knew I was dating a 19 yr old (I was 15 or 16) and this guy would only call me on Wednesdays to take me out Friday or Saturday and that consisted of taking me to his place where he kept a picture of his girlfriend on his night stand and one day this guy show up (I swear I heard his motorcycle) and my dad waits for him outside and takes a gun out of his jacket and tells him never to call or come back-something to the affect you upset my daughter you upset me and I never knew this happened till about 10 years later.

The future is the pain really of the unknown and how we are going to react to it. To be continued........................