hey there! it's me sanity!

yeah I look over my shoulder and behind me trying to catch up is my sanity. Unfortunately I am running too fast and not paying attention. What me pay attention? It costs too much I say! On I go forward living day to day not looking back, I am a freight train with no destination just forward. There could be a warning sign in the road up ahead, but I won't have time to look because I'm moving way too fast to see it. My husband whom I could not do this without is grasping at the walls as we go by and trying to grab them to slow down and make sure we don't miss our turn and loose our way. I get mad and say I don't have time for this I have to keep going don't stop me or I might end up like Wilecoyote and fall off the cliff! But if I keep going full speed I have a chance to make it to the other side without falling between the two mountains!
I feel very sad today to have done this to my husband, while he pushed me into this thing I battled with thoughts of nursing homes and caretakers and he thought of us doing our part. We thought this would be short term, my dad would get better we could fix up their house and they could live there. Yeah right! My father had some kind of age related illness before he went to have his hip surgery. It was my fault this all happend. Need to slow down and take care of things. Sometimes when your husband says things out of pain (to him/her) it wakes you up to the fact of what you aren't doing. I know I do alot and he knows that, but it's funny what you don't notice happening around you right in front of your face. I am so blessed to have him as my husband, some things really matter more than others and it is our responsibility to make sure we see the signs and follow OUR directions not others. But at the same time if we are moving too fast we deserve that speeding ticket and should listen to some advice along the way. Atleast we should consider the advice and ponder it a while not just shut it down so quickly and see whats behind it. Thank God I have someone who helps me see behind the advice and lets me ask for directions even when I'm speeding.

crappy happy day!

sometimes you just can't help but speaking before you think and last night it proves I have such a long way to go. In talking with friends, one is a police officer "Jordan" and tells me Josh just needs to slow it down and just lay off the gas under the over 95 over pass. Well I say just fucking pull him over and tell 'em! Right in front of his daughter, wife, stepdaughter, my stepson, husband and brother in law! Talk about listening first and listening to your mind before speaking? Was I in the present or did I jump ahead and not eve pay attention to my listeners? Boy what a lesson, a few minutes later when the adults were talking I apologized to Gabby, Jordan's daughter who said, "don't worry, I forgive you!" So today I take time to learn how to talk and act or react to my surroundings and people for that matter. I also re-read a neat quote, it reads:ATTITUDE

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successess, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our attitudes."

~Charles Swindoll

another-"New Response
If you can see and accept that you create your own stress according to how you are responding, you will then see that there is something you need to unlearn as well as learn. The old response needs to be unlearned, and a new response needs to be learned."
from: http://www.thoughtfortoday.org.uk/

Does your reaction have anything to do with YOUR agenda of expectations?

The Buddhist teacher said "Accept EVERYTHING which appears, with joy" - as it is, not wanting events or people to be different than they are.

Another Buddhist teaching for how to react: "Simply wish for others to be happy", and leave it at that (don't participate in the drama)

helpful teachings:
http://www.dalailama.com/page.17.htm

So todays job or learning mission is to wait and think a little more.

hmmmm................

consciousness the word has a lot of meaning- being aware of your actions before they happen or as they are happening, could you be conscious of your actions before they happen? You can. Choices there are lots you can choose to be happier, healthier, positive, active, compassionate, caring, loving, stronger and an OUTSTANDING HUMAN BEING? YES YOU CAN! Looking at things, objects, relationships, actions, myself in a different light, like on the Seinfeld episode where Jerry is dating a woman who looks different in darker light the same can be said for everything. You could look at things as bad, depressing, negatively draining and I believe get yourself sick physically or even mentally. But what if you challenged your way of thinking and looked at negative actions, words or happenings as a test or a lesson of some kind? What if every negative thing you challenged in the same light? Would you just be a nut and go crazy or would you begin to see more positive in your life and less negative? I often think about how my parents raised me and used to get frustrated because I was raised to believe through my parents upbringing that life was a bed of roses, death was sad, ignore it, go shopping instead of feeling blue, you must be constipated if your being nasty, marriage is forever and bliss. But now I realize that being sheltered wasn't so bad because now I know the meaning behind their actions. It was, life is what you make of it and a bed of roses can be what makes you happy even if for someone else it's not. Death is sad but you can't ignore it you can give it it's own place and deal with it alone because you came into this world alone and leave it alone you shall too. And feeling blue? Go shopping! It's conditioning yourself to get up off your depressed ass and do something conducive to your family! Being nasty, ignoring the action or words of your loved ones because at the center of the true self you are pure and a worthy human being! Marriage it's work, but sometimes you find someone who works along with you and sometimes you don't. So ask me if my parents were to blame for "things" that happened in my life or my outlook? I will tell you yes in a very, very, good way!

outstanding

Anthony Robbins says that if you want excellent results in your life you need to put forth outstanding effort. Good effort, poor results, excellent efforts, poor results. But just pushing forward to over the top then you get excellence. In meditating today on this subject I found out you can make choices that effect these outcomes. For example: When I wake up I can choose to start my day off with a positive attitude and then confirm this with meditating. And I can take it a step further by meditating on these choices. I 2 minutes I will be walking into dad's room and pick up his depends that he threw on the floor along with any clothing or bedding that might have gotten wet in the night, empty his commode, open his blinds and carry out this morning activity with cleaning him up and getting him his breakfast. But imagine if you will you are standing in front of his room and decide to be outstanding in every way towards him attitude wise as well as conversation, and actions included. I've done this in the past if I was having a bad day and didn't want him to be on the receiving end of my projections of negativity. I have learned this week that just because you have an altercation or something pisses you off you don't have to pass it on to someone else and this new finding with me is very neat because I find negativity is very catchy just like a cold you don't want to catch but somehow do. Going beyond the positive attitude and not faltering is the step I am in right now. Being able to look adversity in the eye and not letting it consume me, outrage me or effect the bigger picture. Later I'll let you know how I do, I am going to do this later also when I make food choices how much you want to bet me that it will be harder!

your parents

Parents are funny, they think that you'll always stay the same. It's really funny when you have a disagreement with one that thinks that it's ok to hang an empty valentines candy box on the wall. It's also funny when one steps in their own poop (by mistake) and attempts to walk across the room and take it with them. It's also funny when your mother thinks she got an irritation "down there" from you sitiing on her toilet. That was really weird! All you can do is laugh it off and see humor in something every day.

Valentines Day

Wow 3rd Valentines Day with my parents living in the same house, weird but fun! Dad has been so excited about this day that 2 weeks ago he was acting a little said but wanted to go and get a card for mom. Ron and I took him to Walgreens and let him find a card and when we were done he said, "Ya know, we are about 1/2 way to Dustins?" so Ron and I looked at each other and said ok! So off we went he had chicken and enjoyed it very much, he even said it was the best steak he ever had! So yesterday he thought it was Valentines day and wanted to give my mom her card, he was all excited and tried to go in her room when she was sleeping and give it to her but my mom said ok you can leave now and then said thank you. He woke up from his nap that evening and again wanted to give it to her, but she reminded it to him again. Finally 8:10 am the motion sensor goes off and it's dad at the table looking for his card for mom, so I found it and gave it to him.
It's funny because he didn't sleep all night last night because he was worried he would forget about Valentines Day. After I gave him his breakfast he laid down and took a nap and got up when mom got up just to give her the card and candy. Now that's love. I made him promise to remind him when there is a holiday so he doesn't miss it, but somehow I don't believe he will let me.

Happy Freakin New Year

The new year has started off to a great start for me! I got rid of my chest cold and hives and about 2 days before the new year went and did my lab work. Blood levels all out of wack, doctor asked if I was taking my Tricor and I told her yes. Went to the OBGYN and I most likely need to have a partial hysterectomy done in May. Found out I can't take aspirin, tylenol or advil so she wants me to stay away from sick people? So off to my old diet of whole wheat everything, no fat, sugar or anything white! And exercise starts again tomorrow, I'm excited. I should be because most people want to make changes the start of a new year anyway so why not? I am attempting to make this into a positive thing even though I feel like I am going through detox right now with sugar and junk. So yes I'm mad but a little excited about the changes I've needed to make.

For a fun note, today I also had to take mom and dad to the doctor (fun, fun) they both checked out good but my dad wants to jump my mom's bones. He thinks he's ready! OMG isn't that a hoot! It's great because he's 82 and still wants to, I told them I would drop them off at a hotel and said not to call me if they get stuck in any uncompromising positions. Call the fire department I told them not me!

Parents are cool as shit!

Peace out!