up at night~ again & every night

so he goes to bed at 8pm ish and falls asleep quickly- some nights he's up in 2-3 hours others around 4-5. he takes namenda, tandem & lorazepam at 8pm, i really believe by him waking up at those times he's in some kind of sleep walking mode. you can just tell by the way he looks at you and usually you just get an agreeing mmhmmm of some sort as he continues on his way. last night at 12ish Ron found him trying to open the front door moving the handle back n forth, i came down the stairs and asked him if he was making sure the front door is locked and he agreed, i told him thanks for keeping us safe that was very nice of him. then he told me it was christmas, i told him to go back to bed but he just continued to go to his wheelchair and sit, all you can do is let him be- 2 more trips in an hour back n forth- those hours from 10-3 are hard on his brain challenged mind. found another screwdriver in his room-amazing where he finds them and still has that process of what they are for, mainly opening the kitchen and getting snacks-

funny thing yesterday-amber came by and helped with dad for a few hours did an excellent job, very compassionate young lady she is, talking to dad for like an hour -dad asked her how she was and said she was fine he didnt believe her so he let her talk her troubles out to him. he woke up from his nap and said that, "i should tell you that amber is still upset over that guy" so we talked a little bit about that-then when he was going to bed i asked him if he had something on his mind, he said, "amber" i said eh that guys no good anyway-if it works out it works out- you know your alive when you have problems.

resting with my thoughts

Its sunday and Im sitting outside on our dilapidated deck/porch on 5 buck plastic chairs made in china. The plastic towards my back bends because Im propping my feet on another chair. My head is tilted sideways as i think about my just sitting with myself at this second on Sunday and my breath is slow. my dad is up for his second time this morning not sure why, i guess he just wants to read the paper and sit with mom as she takes forever in the bathroom and eventually makes it to the kitchen. He just told me to shut up because he's frustrated and so am i. so i do the next best thing and i sit outside with myself and let my thoughts flutter away like little butterflies. some days or mornings like today you wake up and have a certain patience or awareness and realize all the little things that we flutter around about in our brains are really worthless and just as they are thoughts they are not true facts. it most likely sounds crazy, but if you look at some of your thoughts and give them too much credibility you can sure waste a lot of good energy. one of my favorite things is the feeling i get blogging about family and there is so much for me to learn in accepting the real for what it is. sitting out here in the shade just listening and looking around me and just being in this one place at this one time. very calming indeed my friends.

sorry about my punctuation but im really not in that mood today, im just appreciating all that i can right now.

i look at my toenails and think i should trim them-fact yes :0) very funny.

if you try for a minute or two when your not enjoying yourself to just tell "your-self" what your doing. It really works and it's very calming too. for example, we spend too much time just thinking about other things we need to do, don't want to do, hate to do, don't want to think about, really care about, really feel bad about, don't like, like, want, need, don't need, can't have and the list could go on forever. but if you think about it~ALL OF IT IS EITHER PAST-PRESENT-FUTURE and you can't do anything about any of them! i mean yes you can save your money, yes you can eat well & exercise, you can keep things simple BUT YOU CAN KEEP THINGS SIMPLE wow! what a statement, it's almost like multi tasking this multi thinking, don't you agree? I could think about any number of things while i type or fold clothes or wash dishes, right? but what does that do for me, really? does it make it easier to get done or to the next thing i'm doing? no, NOT ONCE HAVE I BEEN DOING ONE THING AND BEEN THINKING ABOUT ANOTHER HAS IT MADE THE THING IM DOING PLEASURABLE OR FUN OR ANY EASIER OR ENJOYABLE. so why do it, the other thing will get done after you get the first thing done & IT FEELS LESS STRESSFUL! OMLord what a AH HA MOMENT, it is to be doing and thinking about this any one thing at a time. for the record i have wanted to write about things and gotten all excited about what it is i want to write and then once i start writing, i start thinking about the next thing im gonna-have to-want to do and suddenly my writing feels un easy, rushed , not fun and boring and lamo.

Lucky for those who have an under active brain, what beautiful awareness they possess.

Happy awareness to all of us.

When life throws you lemons & additional wisdom

So I sit here thank full that my computer is working now, I spilled evoo on the keyboard and in realizing my laptop is not a salad it was very frustrating to type on. Well enough of that because I've got so much to tell I almost bursting from waiting so long! Ok so this last month has been quite exciting we had Ron's, Mike's & their dad's birthday all on the weekend of the 8th which was loads of fun. The preparing and over stressing was not I regress to that fact even though I loved every minute of all the to do's and lists and getting with Kim and planning strategy of secrecy's. I loved it a bunch! We had the agency and Josh from Thursday night till Monday evening at 5pm. Wow I look back and we had a blast, a very interesting family I married into, no attitudes, no one acting like they are better, no one being snobby, everyone getting along beautifully! The party was a blast that was Saturday, we got an ice cream cake and Mike and Ronnie both wore tshirts that said 4 then 0 ha, ha get it twins- Just amazing this getting along thing really! So we ate & drank & ate & drank and so on all weekend long, I think by Monday my body had about had it! We stayed at the Best Western with a few of the family and the others stayed at the Makai which is kinda old and run down a bit, it's too bad because the view from the rooms is great and access to the beach is like right there! We had the party there with a cookout and lot's of surfing, rafting and fun!

Getting back to the beginning:
Poor Josh stayed with them Thursday night, I spoke with him Friday morning and once again dad gave him a bomber present all over the floor. I was beginning to think that dad was doing this on purpose because Josh had stayed with them Wednesday sometime and he did it then also? So anyway, I took a drive in the morning to the house and cleaned up a hefty mess that took me about an hour to clean and disinfect. Josh left that day at 5pm relieved by Jan (to say the least) I made my 2nd trip to the house to pay Josh for the day before after lunchtime. So Mike went and picked up Blake and met us at the hotel, we met up with Ronnies dad and Kim and all of us ate dinner at Bonefish grille , very good by the way. Took another trip to the house (3rd that day) to pickup surfboards etc. Blake had fun till we went to the beach the following day, but he kept a good game face on still for his dad's birthday. Ronnie took him home that afternoon, the rest of the weekend was nice and mellow.

So things that have happened in the last month.................hmmmmm, ok we can start with this morning I found my purse on my dad's tray in the dining room so I asked him when he came out, "Hey dad, did you find what you were looking for in my purse?" He says, nope! So then I asked him, "what were you looking for in there? he said, "keys"-I asked him did you find the one you were looking for? Well I know the answer was no because the kitchen was still locked, but it was so funny that he thought to get my purse to try and find the key to open up the kitchen, amazing! So I end the story by telling him that you can't sneak the sneak it doesn't work like that, I told him you taught me and the student tricked the teacher!

Much more to come- I can only hope.

It's never too late to say I'm sorry

Those are the most important words you will ever need to know. I don't say that you actively need to ever apologize because sometimes people will look at you and go "Heh?" I am talking about the day in your life when you realize it's not about you, it never was, or when you over react or think that people have "bad" or the "wrong" intentions or ones that you think you understand. Intentions-very complex meaning for that word, can be taken in-numerous ways. People often think when they aren't really thinking that so and so's intentions were this or that and often times we get mad and scurry our little ways and burrough ourselves in little holes that we call our lives. And then there is the ah, ha moments where we trust in something bigger than ourselves or "the self" or "the ego" and say ok I'm gonna give this a shot. So you open up and get real and say to the ego self, "just gonna wear my heart on the outside and see what happens". I'm not talking about being nice or stupid to everyone, doing it when and where it counts and trusting. See that's the biggest problem with the ego self, you don't trust, you keep hidden your not open. Your closed off to the world and in the end when all is said and done and your alone and you think to yourself, "I couldv'e, should've and didn't"-

We are human, humans are stupid, smart, intellectuals, snappy, moody, happy, sad, depressed, angry, a thousand different things or more. But once you realize you are no better, no less you are not closed off anymore and you have the ah, ha moment. You realize that below the stupid, smart, snappy, moody, happy, sad whatever- we all are the same, we all want love, we all have needs, we all care, we are better than we ever expected, everyone else is better than you expected and that is when things of the greatest beauty begin. Maybe it was there already and you just had your eyes closed. Maybe that's what happend to rip van winkle?

So today, something magical happend. My daughter came by for a stop over after taking care of a client and it just so happend dad was getting up (really I think he got up cause he heard her) and I saw a twinkle in his eye. Amber was being nice to him and he asked her if she was patronizing him (big word) and he got on the New York subject that he wants to leave, and Amber said he would go with him. After she left dad went back to lay down, because it wasn't time for him to sleep and when I came back from getting Subway he ate and was heading back to his room, he said, "Amber made we want to cry.", so I asked him why, he said " she said she'd go to New York with me!" People with dementia all need to feel they are not crazy. They sometimes see things that we don't see and sometimes they see something but draw to their own conclusions that it's something else. This is a scary thing for them, they know things aren't right, but they don't need to be treated like it isn't either.

I also learned through my "younger eyes" that we are always changing, we are always different from before, sometimes good and sometimes not. Sometimes it just takes longer to see it too and when you do it's like a little gift from God.

New Angelina'isms

"Nana, your not supposed to talk when other people are talking!"

"Nana what are you doing? I say, nothing, talking to you? Angelina asks again, Nana I'm serious I know your talking to me, I just want to know what else your doing?"

Angelina I ask, when did you learn how to whisle- we are in the car with uncle Josh and trying to talk- , "Nana I just wanted to learn how to whisle, and it took a really long time" So we had to have the whistling is only for outside rule=

to be continued..............................................
Last year sometime Angelina again, asked me what I was doing, whats Dee Da (my dad) doing, Pop pop, Josh the dogs etc. I told her Dee Da was watching TV, what's he watching, she asks? I said I 'm not sure, she then asks, "Is he watching Spongebob again?"
July 17, 2011
Angelina was cooking with me age 6 and learning how to chop with a knife and open a can, etc. I had her put something in the microwave and she looks in it and says " Nana, wow that's a clean microwave, how did you get a clean microwave?" Too funny.

For Amber

The outlook wasn't brilliant for the Mudville nine that day;
The score stood four to two with but one inning left to play;
And then, when Cooney died at first, and Barrows did the same,
A sickly silence fell upon the patrons of the game.
A straggling few got up to go, in deep despair. The rest
Clung to that hope which "springs eternal in the human breast;"
They thought, If only Casey could but get a whack at that,
We'd put up even money now, with Casey at the bat.

But Flynn procede Casey, as did also Jimmy Blake,
And the former was a no-good and the latter was a fake;
So, upon that stricken multitude grim meloncholy sat,
For there seemed but little chance of Casey's getting to the bat.

But Flynn let drive a single, to the wonderment of all,
And Blake, the much despised, tore the cover off the ball,
And when the dust had lifted and men saw what had occurred,
There was Jimmy safe at second, and Flynn a-huggin' third.

Then from five thousand throats and more threr rose a lusty yell,
It rumbled through the valley, it rattled in the dell,
It knocked upon the mountain and recoiled upon the flat,
For Casey, mighty Casey, was advancing to the bat.

There was ease in Casey's manner as he stepped into his place;
There was pride in Casey's bearing and a smile on Casey's face,
And when, responding to the cheers, he lightly doffed his hat,
No stranger in the croud could doubt `twas Casey at the bat.

Ten thousand eyes were on him as he rubbed his hands with dirt;
Five thousand tounges applauded as he wiped them on his shirt.
Then, while the writhing pitcher ground the ball into his hip,
Defiance gleamed in Casey's eye, a sneer curled Casey's lip.

And now the leather-covered sphere came hurtling through the air,
And Casey stood a-watching it in haughty grandeur there,
Close by the sturdy batsman the ball unheeded sped --
"That ain't my style," said Casey. "Strike one," the umpire said.

From the benches, black with people, there went up a muffled roar,
Like the beating of the storm waves on a stern and distant shore.
"Kill him; kill the umpire!" shouted someone from the stand;--
And it's likely they'd have killed him had not Casey raised his hand.

With a smile of Christian charity great Casey's visage shone;
He stilled the rising tumult; he bade the game go on;
He signaled to the pitcher, and once more the spheroid flew;
But Casey still ignored it, and the umpire said, "Strike two."

"Fraud," cried the maddened thousands, and the echo answered "Fraud,"
But one scornful look from Casey, and the multitude was awed.
The saw his face grow stern and cold; they saw his muscles strain,
And they knew that Casey wouldn't let that ball go by again.

The sneer is gone from Casey's lip; his teeth are clenched in hate;
He pounds with cruel violence his bat upon the plate.
And now the pitcher holds the ball, and now he lets it go,
And now the air is shattered by the force of Casey's blow.

Oh! somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light.
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
But there is no joy in Mudville -- mighty Casey has Struck Out.

Written By Ernest Lawrence Thayer, circa 1888

Now that I've finally calmed down~~~~~~

Ok so my son goes to the doctor this morning at 11am finds out he has brochitus, yey! So going back almost 6 hrs to 6:30 am I am woke up by the dogs growling at something outside my door. So to give you an idea of this, my husband and I (dogs included) sleep upstairs probably 20 stairs up to the second floor. On the way up the stairs we only have one railing because my husband moved the right side to the wall downstairs so that my mom and dad would be safer along the wall that has a tile floor and one step to get to both the living room and dining room as well as the front door. My husband about 1 wk ago put a padlock on a closet door that he installed to the kitchen so he can't help himself to snacks he's not allowed to eat. We have a motion sensor in the hallway in front of his bedroom door so when he passes through an alarm type ring is heard upstairs in our bedroom. We have an alarm system on all the door and sliding glass ones as well that chimes when every opening is opened. Lastly in our jail like environment we have installed (Ron again) double sided deadbolts so that when we leave we have to use a key to go out the door and then you lock it again to lock whomever inside. All this so that my dad is safe and has somewhat of a roaming capability. So this morning at 6:30 am I hear my name being called and it sounds like my dad is really close by, how close you ask? Right outside our bedroom door, I screamed or yelled, I forget and I know I cussed like a sailor but it was out of fear of what could've happened. Ron helped (did most of it) from the front walking in front of dad as we step by step got him safely down the stairs. Almost 10 hours later and probably a Mikes cold lemonade or two and I might be ok this evening. Scared and rattled all day long, wasting my energy and feeling like crap because I worried myself sick actually. The reason for him coming upstairs, you ask? All because he wanted the keys to the kitchen so that he could get in there once again. Oh and by the way the reason he most likely had so much energy was because he stole 2 doughnuts, one granola bar and a bunch of potatoe chips from the kitchen yesterday afternoon. I was so mad about that I wouldn't give him any jello last night, and today his blood sugar is 171 when it's usually under 100- So the latest additon in home dad security is a swinging 1 x 4 piece of wood that latches to a padlock and is about hip level that blocks the way to the stairs or the living room. My husband has been in my face several times today explaining that I this is minimal and it could've been way worse if he had fallen, which as usual he is right about that. Thanks God I'm sure it wasn't in your plans today and I am quite thankful for that.