cara & dad

dad & angelina

The other day- around noonish dad came out to have lunch looking kinda slim in the drawyers you could say. So i checked his padding and he didnt have his depends on. So I asked him politely, "Before I start making lunch, would you go and put your depends on, i think youll feel better!" Close to 5 minutes later he comes out with his depends on the outside of his pants, can't get mad at that he did exactly what I said to!

I love days like that.

Last weekend Angelina came over and was watching cartoons with my dad, I guess this stuck with her all week because a few days later she asked me, "Whats deedaw doing?" I told her he was watching tv, she asked "is he watching cartoons?"

About a couple of weeks before that, we had her over and she told Ron and I that she wanted us to buy her a baby dolphin so that she could swim with it at her new house. At her new house she was excited because she was watching her favorite cartoon, I was talking on the phone with her and Amber over her shoulder, "tell nana that we have cable now!" so she tells me, then I ask her Angelina do you know what cable is? She said no. Then she calls me later to tell me all her shows she can watch but she called it Dora cable, sponge bob cable, etc.

a random reflection

Well ok, it's funny when you have a blog or whatever it's called you take a minute to look back and see what's happened the last year and you go. "wow was I depressed or what?" So today I sit here and realize how important it is I really do take care of me. Facts
I pulled out most of my hair before February or it fell out- (now it's coming back yey)
I gained weight (come on people do you really expect me to tell you how much?)
Loss of sleep I have come to terms with is extremely important to my health
When I am stressed it starts to take it's toll way before I realize it and usually by then I am in big trouble

that was the ugly the good is I know I'm not superhuman and I'm setting some limits with myself- yeah maybe in the illusion sense of the word- ha whatever I am really sick of this ok so now since we took a breather over the weekend we had a great time eating shopping repeat etc.............my head is a little clearer and I find that I need breaks like that every couple 3 months or so just to look at myself and be a little me. I realize I am a caregiver all the time, I live breathe and eat it every day. You don't just go to your job and switch it off or on like that I am on all the time, there is not a second of the day that I am not aware of my responsabilities.

But it's really ok and I'm ok with it even though I don't get to do anything or much of what is important to me and the focus is always elsewhere I am happy I am given this chance. It is a struggle but I have been given a gift to see my entire family grow because of it- we share we laugh we fight but we love most of all and we love together.

Ubuntu-you are therefore I am

We are all the same we may not be on the outside but we are.

me

that's all I am, is me
anyway just kinda happy, kinda sad, this week- happy cuz I jogged-ran non-stop 2.01 miles- without dying or grasping badly and still able to breath. Happy cuz everyone in my immediate circle woke up and is doing better than most, we could all be griping about our jobs etc. but for the most part things are strolling along. Today I farted around the house got a few things done, had to do some stuff for kids- took a shower and I get like 5 calls on my cell in 2 minutes. I love my kids don't get me wrong but I am not super human anymore. The only way I can do any amount of good is to take really goo care of myself first then everyone else gets leftovers. Usually including my husband- he's funny cuz he knows I like my quiet time in the morning and I just thought we had different sleeping patterns? We work so well together like this, I'm the early riser and he is like the night shift around here. Ying and yang we are. I did a big kid thing today and actually planned a long weekend for me and my hubby, was supposed to do a week but 4 days isn't all that bad, I should be able to not have too bad anxiety about that. Today in making my protein shake with 1-1/2 scoops protein, 4 strawberries, 3 piece pineapple chunks, plain yogurt, 1/2 cup organic milk 2%, 1 banana, 4 ice cubes and one f---'n spoon left in the blender! So the blender lid shoots off the top and I figure it's just not on tight and so I put the lid back on and hold down the lid not checking inside the blender or realizing the spoon's still in there until I think it's done. What an idiot. So then I go and clean up my mess and have 3 weeks worth of dad's med's that are in daily/week containers so I don't have to do them weekly and they have crap/shake all on the top- me thinks they are water proof and run water on top of containers- guess what, not waterproof. So here's to a good rest of the day with that one, had to call Walgreen's and have'em get me rescript on almost everything.
I cried the other night cuz my dad has had a few "duh" days where he's just not all there, he knows who I am but I guess I should be happy about that. I don't know we have been doing this for 4 years now and I am trying to not burn out for every one's sake, but I swear some times I need my kids to be adult and take care of themselves. I love my family more than anything, but I am getting tired. So now we need to come up with a different plan for me cuz this ain't working!

I am the luckiest girl

I am the luckiest girl in the world. Well yesterday both my parents woke up, both of them in their 80's dad turned 84 yesterday to be exact. Mom got to say happy birthday and fight with him over the newspaper and tell him he was acting like a true --------- and said even on his birthday. They got to fight, they got to wake up another day, what a blessing this must be for them each day. I had this thought as I walked up the stairs and laughed after my mom told on my dad. So we are meeting my daughter Amber, her boyfriend AJ and my grand daughter Angelina at Olive Garden whenever mom is ready. Josh is practicing with his band in S. Florida and Ron is taking Blake to tutoring. Walking past the stairs to the living room dad says as he moves his walker down the step, " Cara, I don't know about this, I got a feeling somethings gonna happen today!" I told him to not jinx us and it's his birthday and we are gonna have a good time and I danced or at least did something that resembled it. Drove to Olive Garden, got dad out of the car in his wheelchair, had mom wait till Amber and crew got there to all walk in together. Mom got out and fell flat on her face, upset bystanders 2 women, my daughter, everyone who was out either stopped and tried to help. AJ and Amber got mom into the car-after having fire department look her over, I drove her to the hospital due to the golf sized knot on her forehead that we were trying to control with ice and swollen knee- all ok just lot's of arthritis on the knee. In the meantime Amber and AJ take dad inside Olive Garden and eat while I take mom to the ER to get checked out. I made sure to explain to Amber she did the right thing by having dad eat on his birthday even though she wanted to be with us. She really showed her heart and future high BP, but she called 911 and gave her all and handled it well for a 25 year old. I am proud. So my husband gets the run down leaving PC and heads to the hospital always assuring me it's no big deal. He has this ability to make me think this and it works very well. Just as I'm bringing mom out he is speaking with AJ and Angelina and my mind is more at ease. I can't figure out how to get everyone home he takes charge and he takes dad, I take mom. We get home he gets dad in bed makes his bed empties his bucket and cleans the kitchen and does the dishes after we eat. Aside from my husband being the most helpful person on earth, he makes me feel like the most beautiful, want to be better and I am because of him. Not many wives can say that. Hopefully I can give him back what he has given me and if not I hope that God sees what a good person he truly is. I don't know many husbands who would give up their sanity to live with their wives elderly parents and put up with it as well as he does. I am truly the luckiest girl in the world.

Now if he could be enticed to stick around for a can of tuna that would be easy.................................................................jk.

motivation and truth

Sometimes I waste hours of my days "looking" or "avoiding" for things to do. Ha, this searching is kind of like trying to find you or maybe avoiding the real you? Too deep, I go sometimes I wonder. So down pat sorta speak I have managed to alter my moods with my fathers laugh or smile. It's funny I like mornings when I wake up early and I veg quietly in front of the laptop and drink my coffee (even though I am not admitting to not feeling well because of it) and listening to my own thoughts or quiet. I used to hate it when my dad would wake up before me and "interrupt" this period of time and so I would allow this thing to overcome me. I read a long time ago in some Buddhist meditation book , pretty sure it was by HH that there is a moment of time a few seconds before we get mad or agitated (one of those emotions) that we have the power to change the reaction to our emotions. Now the first thing that the book explains is that you have to be able to notice the reaction to the emotion first in order to be able to change it and this happens very quickly. So months or maybe a year goes by and I'm still frustrated but hey I'm noticing it right? Wrong, it sucks really because you aren't feeling any better your just seeing the truth of how stupid and selfish you are and that stinks bad! So you notice the moments before the reaction and you allow yourself still to get worked up and mad and still you wonder why people make "you" so miserable, what did you do to them you ask? I am sitting here laughing because once again I wish I had realized this stupidity earlier! So you fight with yourself and say "ugh why am I mad?" But going back further it looks like this:
1- getting frustrated for no reason or maybe there is you just allow Your- self to feel like how dare someone or thing bother me!
2- you start watching your reactions to your emotions or Your-self and still REACT like a idiot- stomping and kicking like a child!
3- you stop and say ok what am I gonna do about this? mostly because your sick and tired of feeling sick and tired
4- you start trying different things- my suggestions of what worked for me-Exercise calms you, finding me time ok here is the thing, people things "interruptions" happen- this me time is NOT being frustrated and putting your headphones on and peddling or meditating outside waiting to calm down and not be frustrated THE ME TIME IS those seconds before you get mad or frustrated and decide to be happy. Ok so I have realized that therapists have it half right, they tell you to go exercise do this do that try this try that do something for yourself. I used to feel annoyed when my I'd be trying to exercise and get interrupted at home or when I was doing something I thought was trying to help, but it doesn't. I am so serious about this it's like I never believed the book but kept reading anyway. Incense works not sure why though, explained to Kim that it's funny when you burn incense to calm down and then when you burn it you automatically feel calm it's kind of like a switch. I highly recommend that!
5- you realize that the book is right and notice your switch happened one day and you notice because I read somewhere that you can choose to be happy-you can choose your reaction- you have choices- it's not everyone else, it's been you all along! I noticed this when I was either sick or moody or in a plain run of the mill stupid assed shitty mood and I most likely hadn't slept either, one morning when waking up and I have my best pissed off face with my best pissed off mood and my stomping or dragging butt must've been a sight of pure idiotness when my dad takes one look at me and laughs and smiles at me! How dare he laugh, how dare he not succumb to my idiotness-stupid assed shitty mood-sleep deprived-moody SELF! Then something happened, I couldn't be mad? Why? Because he took it away! He made the choice not to let me! Argh...................and I decided I felt better. It actually felt better to not feel that way and I felt better making that choice. So now every day I get up grumpy or sleepy and I allow my SELF to be sleepy and my dad laughs and smiles at me and I walk passed him with a groan and a smile and know that it DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THAT WAY anymore.
6- you realize that you read a book and that at sometime everything clicked and your not sure why it did. Maybe it's because you wanted to badly to un-become what didn't work in the past and you were just sick of it. But when it does come you realize what happiness is and where it comes from. Within.
Never realized that when you want something really bad and when you keep working on it you can get to where you want to be eventually.

The choice and what is

Yes I'm on my mission again today about choices. This subject has worn on me a lot lately, but mostly yesterday on information or should I say taking in information. My dad as you know has dementia or what ever his doctor has written down on paper. Since this disease is so complex and confusing it is worth it to sometimes look at books, online resources and come up with answers for some behaviours. My father seems to be more pre-occupied with sex these days than usual and sometimes the moments he chooses and where are not the most appropriate. But what about dementia is appropriate, I mean if you read books on the subject it is called brain damage or changes in the brain as some doctors like to put it. Regardless, the book tells me his behaviours are normal albeit inappropriate to say the least. The light bulb comes on and through reading I discover the best way to help this situation for all is to do the opposite of what I did. I tried to scold him like a child, I apologized for the changes he's had to endure living together, apologized for the fact his wife is not interested in sex, but due to my sanity he had to keep it together. I suck sometimes. Hoping that he's forgotten my assholeidness and not prove catastrophic like the book explains could happen resulting in my actions. My new way is to pretend the behaviour does not exist and as long as he is safe I can just remove myself from his presence or possibly attempt to give him something else to do, (yeah right). So in thinking that I could get additional information based on the fact Alzheimer's is in the name of the website, I travel to the message board in hopes of new and more up to date knowledge. What I find is a bunch of depressed people who only made me depressed and I then choose to not visit that area of the website in the future. I think sometimes it's cathartic to bitch and moan but at the same time you have people who blah, blah, blah I feel so sorry and bad for you, I hope things will get better, maybe you need to change your living situation, blah, blah, blah. Choices, too many negative ones. Put him in a nursing home, how much can you tolerate, you should hear the negativity it's like being on a sinking ship. I feel sorry for the girl who's post got like 30 replies, it's nice people care and all but laugh a little, this is life people. I read a quote that went something like this, "happiness is the dirt beneath your feet". To me that means be happy NOW not later, there is no later, have fun now not tomorrow, be your best now, live for today, my favourite other quote, "Love a person like you could lose them tomorrow. Choices, we have so many. Why not choose to be happy, when I'm sad I feel like I have a hundred pound sack on my back and my legs have 50 lbs weights attached to each. Some days it takes me a little talking to, to get me there but it gets easier the more you make that choice. Believe me, if I can be here and for the 90% part be happy any one can.